We, or MeI am presuppossing here that you (the reader) are past the stage where "everything is great bar the sex" and are at the realisation point that the dysfunctional aspects of your marriage ain't changing.
Essentially, at the point where you suspect that the "we" dynamic no longer exists (if in fact it ever did) or at least, does not work in any useful way.
At this point, a change in your focus is well in order. Continuing on in "we" thinking is highly inadvisable at this point. "We" thinking is only going to hold you up, at best - or stall you completely, at worst. The refusive party in the dynamic will gobble up any "we" thinking and apply it selectively to suit their agenda - which essentially is buying more time. To spin the free ride out as long as possible. There will be (as usual) no reciprocal "we" thinking brought to the table by the refusive that has the remotest relevance to YOUR interests.
You are, (as you have probably been suspecting), on your own with advancing YOUR agenda. There will be no assistance or support from the refusive party for you. Indeed, there is far more likelyhood of obstruction and undermining by the refusive in an attempt to de-rail your agenda.
If you continue with "we" thinking, you are complicit in your own problem, for THERE IS NO "WE".
Rather there is "me" the refusive (and believe me, they have, are, and will continue to operate on a "me" basis) and there is "me" (as in 'you').
If you continue to make choices on a basis of "we" then you will be assisting the refusive in their time buying agenda. That is most definitely NOT in your best interests.
Your choices have to shift to a focus of "me". Your best interests. Your future. Your aspirations. Your personal growth. Your evolvement as a person.
There are no "we" best interests / future / aspirations / growth / evolvement. For there is no "we" anymore (if indeed there ever was)
This does NOT mean you have to start acting like an arsehole to the refusive. Not at all. But it does mean that you have to undertake your choices on a "me" basis, and, there will be times in this that it displeases the refusive (because they are not getting 'their' way. You'd remember that feeling well I should imagine, after all you had many years of exposure to it. It didn't kill you, did it ? Nor will it kill the refusive to get a dose of reality)
Nor does it mean you have to rush off to divorce (although as ever, it would be wise to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you).
What it DOES mean, is that you tread your own path. Making your choices on a "me" basis. Just as the refusive did in the past, is still doing now, and will do into the future. Two unique individuals.
In rare rare rare cases, this might have the effect of both parties "me" choices having a lot of common ground, and the relationship might even get to a functional status. I wouldn't be holding my breath, but there have been a couple of cases on these very pages where the relationship got torn down to bare metal and rebuilt into a new and functional state by this process.
Far more likely is the scenario where the process of you adopting "me" choices (and the refusive continuing with their "me" choices) reveals a yawning chasm of irreconcilable differences. And, the stark truths this process will uncover mean that the marriage is highly unlikely to survive the process.
Such a result, painful and difficult as it is, is the right result, for it is ba
Tread your own path.
bazzar 56-60, M 16 Responses 33 Jan 5, 2013