Why?I read all the posts in this group and wonder why? Why did all these marriages come to this place? I know why mine has... primarily because it started for the wrong reason. Not for love... not for desire to be one with my husband, but for fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being disowned, fear of my inability to raise a child on my own. I felt I had no other option. Hoping that I would "fall in love"... trusting that the "happily ever after" would come to pass... I said "I DO". Twenty-four years later.... 15 yrs of that completely void of any physical relationship I understand why I am here.
We sat at a bar having dinner New Year's Eve, on the corner, purposefully, hoping to somehow engage in conversation. I watched as couples chatted and laughed. I would look up at him occasionally to see if maybe he would have something to say, he awkwardly smiled back. I did however, find out that the bartender was moving to Chicago to live in her uncle's house while he travels out of the country for 2 years. Anyway, I wondered, would the others at the bar that night, end up like us? Is it just the way things are? After years together, there are no more words, no real need for affection, or intimacy. Is what I live the "NORM"?
Coming to this group, and reading the sad stories of people who live in relationships very similar to mine, I wonder. WHY? Why and how do people who started out "in love"....the"right way", end up just like me. Then I wonder is a successful, loving, intimate marriage even really possible? Perhaps I should just resign myself to this lonely unsatisfied lifestyle. Perhaps this is all there is... I should just keep smiling and be happy in spite of it all.
ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 5 Responses 1 Jan 6, 2013