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It's Not All My Fault (update)

I took the advice in my post. I made a decisions and decided I would only try if my husband wanted to work with me. I told him I would spend another year fighting this way. He said I was absolutely right and he agreed wholeheartedly. So I suggested we go to counseling.

We have our first session next week....we'll see how it goes.

*cross your fingers for us*
deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Jan 6, 2013

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Be sure you get a good pro marriage counselor. I mean that's why you are going I assume is to improve or save your marriage. I've read you have to be very careful in choosing the right one. There are articles on the web about what questions you should ask your therapist to see if you think they will be a good fit, get recommendations and investigate them on the web if you can. Sometimes you get more screwed up going. If you or your husband are not satisfied you should change. One of you might like the therapist and one not so be ready to negotiate up front about what you will do. I think you should search or interview a counselor until you both are satisfied. What I mean by satisfied is they seem to have the same goals, good character and morals, that they don't seem one sided, if they communicate with both of you well and jive together with the both of you as much as possible. If one is unhappy right off you might want to try another one. I have not experienced this only went like 3 times and my husband once and that was it. He wasn't willing to go. I did try to find someone that he could half way connect with he's not real open and we even went to a man. My pastor recommended him because he thought my husband might relate better to him. I thought initially a woman might have been better for him. Maybe, since he only went 1 time??

So glad for you and I hope this is the time and things will turn totally around for you! Best wishes

Respectfully, I suggest that the role of counselling is to uncover the truth. In other words, let the truth drive the outcome, rather than going in to the process trying to mandate an outcome.
I would suggest that you avoid a "Pro Marriage" counsellor - and for that matter avoid a "Pro Divorce" counsellor too. A counsellor who is adept at assisting you uncover YOUR truths is your best bet.

Dead on the money Baz.

I totally agree that the therapist should reflect and revel the total honest truth. I did not mean to suggest finding someone that would mandate the outcome. That would not be worth your time and money. I've just read so much about how marriage counseling can also be harmful to the relationship. Ive read where some counselors are quick to jump to the D word and if you are trying to save your marriage you don't want that. I think you should fine someone with integrity and professional and you'll get the truth told. I want my marriage to work so I definitely don't want a therapist right off the bat tell us it won't work without actually putting in some hard work. :-)

I agree with Bazz here. Either he has realised that your back side is half way out the door so he had better shape up, or his eyes have lit up thinking bingo 12 month free ride coming up.

Only time will tell on this one.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

One of two things has happened here.

1 - he has had an epiphany and is now prepared to step up

2 - he has used your "we" thinking to buy himself another 12 months of the free ride while the counselling plays out.

Tread your own path.

Just a word about counselling . . . go into it with an open mind and an open heart. It feels "strange" in the beginning, but you will become accustomed to it quickly. (I'm assuming here that neither of you have been in counselling before?)

Be totally HONEST - about your situation, your husband AND yourself. Be prepared to discover things you may be unhappy to learn - not only about your husband but about yourself!

If you truly do NOT like your Counsellor or find him/her to be "not on your wave length" then try a different Counsellor. But don't give up on the Counsellor just because you don't like what they have to say.

I encourage you to share your experiences (only as much as you are comfortable sharing) here on ILIASM. Feedback from this group, together with counselling, is the best way I know of truly etting to the bottom of these situations. That allows you to make informed decisions about your future. Good Luck!!!

Well done! Good for you! Good for both of you!

Good luck!

This is positive news, good luck on the journey