5 Years And Counting

That's how long we've been married. Five years. I was 35 and in love with a handsome Christian man. We followed the recommended purity guidelines and refrained from premarital sex. I thought that he was demonstrating self control when he didn't push the boundaries.

Unfortunately, I found out on our wedding night that while he was interested in giving sex a try, it wasn't necessary. After years of self-pleasuring, he had learned to satisfy himself so well, that sex with me wasn't nearly as pleasurable. I couldn't compare to the fantasies in his mind.

Like many women, I thought that I was the problem. So, I tried different hairstyles, various clothes and every little trick I could find on the internet. Nothing worked. As a result, I became depressed, anxious, and confused. There I was at my sexual peak with a partner who was not, and continues to be disinterested.

Yes, I suggested counseling; however, he never liked the therapist and didn't want to find a different therapist. I asked him to leave for a week so that I could consider my options. Because of limited options, he had to move in with his parents for a week. He came back extremely repentant and even demonstrated some behavioral changes, only to slide back into the familiar behavior.

We just had a baby via IVF - turns out my husband is infertile. Yes, I wanted a baby even in the midst of this insanity. I was turning 39 and realized that if I wanted to experience pregnancy and motherhood, I needed to make a decision quickly. He's a great dad, a good friend and a decent roommate. But I want a lover, someone who is passionate about me.

I'm so afraid of waking up one day on a business trip, hurt from the neglect, and finding myself acting out of revenge and spite. I'd rather just walk away from the marriage with my integrity intact. I'm financially able to support myself and my child without him. I just can't believe I waited all that time to get married only to find myself in this situation.
40andsexless 40andsexless
36-40, F
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

You seem to be a sound and intelligent woman who already knows what must be done to add some intimacy in your life. You have married a completely self absorbed individual who most likely at his age is beyond changing to your satisfaction.
If you can accept life as merely mundane and without passion stay. If not move on while you are still young enough to find true happiness. The years pass by all too quickly to immerse yourself in an incompatible circumstance.

Indeed, what a shame and waste. My 2 cents based on my experience -- some years of being partially happy and many of being unhappy with my wife.

You cannot fix the past.

You probably cannot fix him.

You may be able to fix YOURSELF, but no guarantees.

There is more to life than intimacy BUT if that is important to you then you must weigh the cons and pros............ and act accordingly.

You and only you are responsible and capable of satisfying your emotional and bodily needs.

[PERSONALLY, I need a female partner for the emotional side, but while I can satisfy myself physically and it's not even mainly the usual m********, I prefer a female partner. And I did have an affair and, while I take my marriage vows seriously and admit I broke them, I think God will understand and take care of it.]

Finally, finding the right or a right partner is not easy.

[I experimented -- we even lived together before marriage -- and while I would not say that our marriage has failed, I suspect we both chose incorrectly. I do love her, but it takes more than 'love', even the agape love to create a happy marriage.]

Best wishes!

Subtext in this reads to me like your arse is halfway out the door already. At the very least you have considered how you'd support yourself and kid, which would indicate very strongly that this union is on borrowed time.

See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. In the light of that information, it might be best to get your entire arse out the door. That would of course be entirely your informed choice to so do. But with the only alternative being more of the same with this dude, no jury would convict you if you gave him the sayonara.

Tread your own path.

Time to start reading widely on this forum and learning all about this sexless marriage situation you find yourself in. You have the same choices everyone here has:
Stay and have an FWB

Sadly, the choice you almost certainly do NOT have is
Stay and things will get better. They don't. They get worse.