Did you later regret leaving a loving partner because the sex was not good?

I love my boyfriend so very much, we're each other's everything and the thought he might not be in my life one day is the scariest saddest thing ever. I can't imagine someone more loving, tender, supportive and trustworthy. He's my best friend and the only person that loves me unconditionally. My problem is I can't be sexual with him, it's not something we lost along the way, it just never was there for me from the beginning. I've fought it a lot in the first years of our relationship and then I came to accept it, suppress my frustration and got used to the situation. Recently I’ve found myself fantasizing about other men and I crave being with someone that feels right sexually. I also miss the sensual, playful aspects of my personality that I suppressed and kept hidden for  a long time now.
After 5 years and a half of being together I find myself terrified at the thought of our impending marriage. I have a sick feeling in my stomach and just yesterday we were discussing details about the wedding with my parents and I just didn't want to be there. I didn't want to hear about anything wedding related, no excitement, no peace of mind just a sick feeling and this unsettling voice in my head saying "don't do it!". I wish I were strong and confident that my gut feeling is right, but I don't trust myself one bit. I might be terribly wrong, I don't have the best track record with decisions in the past. I'm impulsive and I get fixed ideas sometimes that things have to be a certain way. What if I'm chasing an illusion, an idealized version of love?
I'm at life's crossroads for sure and this decision is so big that I find myself paralyzed with fear and can't act in either direction.
Should I go ahead and keep the security, the comfort and my best friend...but in 5 years be older, even more sexually frustrated than I am at the moment, plus always wondering how our life would have been different and always second guessing that I made the right decision?
I resent him for what is lacking in our relationship and that I'm trapped here but I also love him so much and there's nowhere safer and warmer than in his arms. He is my rock and I will be so alone in this world without him. I love showing him tenderness but I don't fancy doing anything sexual or erotic. Is it me? is it him? is it us? am I crazy?
There's a few other things that I'm missing in our relation. I realized we rarely laugh together or have fun like just be silly and joke about stuff, he's rarely spontaneous or adventurous. He has a very mathematical, pragmatic mind and he's traditional in some ways. Me on the other hand I'm all over the place, I definitely don't have my **** together like he does and I'm not very balanced with some things. But I do need my small dose of craziness from time to time, I need to try new things, to be playful and creative in certain aspects of my life.


It's so much harder because I live in a foreign country and I don't speak the local language, I barely have any support system here, it's not very easy making friends and getting to know people.
If I decide to cancel the wedding I'll be burning a lot of bridges with our common friends, his family and my family who already paid a good part of the wedding. I don't think I'll get any sympathy from anyone because he's the perfect guy on paper and everyone loves him. My mom absolutely adores him since my father was very abusive and violent with us in his younger years and we never had any emotional support from him. Most about everyone will think I'm batshit crazy if I break it of and a very lonely time will await me. I’m not even sure my family will speak to me any time soon, not that their support means that much. They usually bring me down and they have no faith in me. They were never the supportive kind of parents anyway.
I'm unsure I have the strength to build myself up all alone and take control of my life, something I've been feeling that I ned to do for a long time now.

I need to learn how to be happy with myself, to figure many things out about and my bad patterns and behaviors, to work harder for my goals and especially to be more consistent in the things I do. I'm afraid though I will crumble even further without HIS support and that I'm foolish to think things will be better if we break up. I'm so conflicted about us, in some ways I feel I'm not true to myself, I'm not authentic. And then there's just this paralyzing FEAR.
lalaland4 lalaland4
26-30, F
13 Responses Jan 7, 2013

"I don't think I'll get any sympathy from anyone because he's the perfect guy on paper and everyone loves him."
Then THEY can marry him!
Don't marry this guy!

I had those doubts. I did not listen and got married. I wish I never had.

Have you two ever had an in depth discussion about your sexual incompatibility? You two may benefit from premarital counseling.
I will tell you, that before my marriage I had a small, but persistent feeling that so something was not quite right in our relationship. I couldn't pin point why, and as my ex seemed so perfect to my family and friends, I brushed it off and ignored the warning bells. I loved him so much.
Later on, he revealed that he had a *********** addiction and cuckolding fetish that he kept hidden from me. I was so hurt and angry, but it made sense why we were so sexually incompatible. Eventually, our relationship fell apart.
I now wish I would have listened to my inner voice. It would have saved me years of pain and misery.
Keep in mind that he might be keeping part of his sexuality from you. I'm not trying to scare you, as it may not be the case (might just be a low sex drive), but it's something to consider. Keep your eyes open, and good luck.

"Just a low sex drive" is an EXCELLENT reason not to get married.

Yes, a low sex drive is a reason not to get married, in and of itself. I was simply pointing out that a low sex drive might indicate that his desires lie outside of the straight vanilla heterosexual realm. He may have strong sexual desires that he is not revealing to her. He may (rightly or not) think that his future wife will not accept his desires, so he will hide them until he has put a ring on her finger and then coerce her later (as mine did) or continue behind her back.
While he is withholding from her, he might be at home ************ to **** or chatting online about a fetish (what my ex did)...or he could have a low sex drive. Which isn't good either, because sex is one way that we bond with our spouses...without it we feel become detached. Either way, it doesn't bode well for the OP. IMO. I hope she uses her intuition as her guide. Good Luck.

No one said doing the right thing is easy. It can be hard, nausea-inducing and scary.

And freeing.......

This is a relationship disaster in the making. You know it is.
No matter how difficult it seems - to call it off now is really the only thing to do.
Divorce is NEVER easy, always painful.

<p>DO NOT MARRY HIM!<br />
Not only because it isn't right for you, but it will not be right for him either. He deserves a wife who truly wants to be his wife - you don't.</p>

I think you already know the answer to your questions....you just are afraid to deal with the repercussions of doing what you know is right.

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Stop using him as a security blanket, and then resenting him for allowing it (I read your follow up comments). He can't stand up for himself, and you don't respect him for it. You aren't physically attracted to him, and don't have a good sex life.

I admire that you are capable of seeing that this is not a healthy dynamic, and it shows honesty to admit that this dynamic isn't good for either of you. Yes, it will be hard to face the consequences of a broken engagement and the disappointment and judgement of friends and family. But, that will be very short term, and I have a hunch that people will respect you for your honesty and refusal to do the short term easy thing....in the long run.

You are very young, and it sounds that you need to understand yourself and your own needs much better before making a long term commitment to anyone. And, needing a partner who can stand up and mutually advocate for the relationship and himself is not weak, it is a sign of health.

Trust your gut and call it off ASAP. I promise it will be fine. I wish I did that with my first marriage.

This is not a tough decision in any shape or form.

How can this not be apparent to you?

You have some unmet childhood emotional needs from a father that you already acknowledged was not there for you,,,,,,,," we never had any emotional support from him".

You are simply trying to replace your abusive and absent father with a father figure husband.

You see your eventual husband as a father figure,,,,and sex with him seems wrong,,,as you shared.

This is because you are seeing him as a father replacement.

You in no way can marry this man.....this is not a healthy situation,,,and you are not being fair to him.

You love him,,,,,,but like a father,,,,not like a husband needs to be loved.

Quit worrying about what people will think,,,,,and do the right thing.

PTI

What Baz said. Tough decision, now or later.

At the very least, POSTPONE the wedding because of your ... nerves ... or whatever. Wedding-related vendors will probably be happy to keep an account open for your family.

it wasn't the fact that it was not ..."good sex"...sex was not there.....so who knew if it was possible to be good or not. In addition, in a relationship lacking intimacy, well there is a lot of the relationship that is empty. There is a lot of awkwardness, and the attitude of just going through the motions. You are there out of obligation, there is no enthusiasm to be there. Your there sharing a home, a meal, that's it........so...do i miss that?.....Hell NO!!!

"just because the sex was not good"

Oh, that blinking "just" word.

Oh, that "unconditional love" phrase. Gah.

It seems like you're talking your needs down, despite the evidence screaming at you from your emotions, despite you attempting to surpress them. Then you're building up how wonderful this paper guy is, despite that he seems oblivious or unconcerned that you're not into him and you're not satisfied.

And then the authentic reason: fear.

Tell you what, if you make the huge mistake of marrying this guy, you'll know more fear when you try to untangle that one.

Here's my two cents and I apologize if it sounds harsh. It seems that you have no desire for him and what you are enamored with is the security and support he provides you. What do you provide him? Apart from your fear of being alone (which is never a good reason in of itself to be in a relationship), does he really figure much in your affections?

You description of him and yourself suggest you have little common ground and it would be a very sad event if you went through with marrying him just because you fear familial upset and disappointment. It is better to make a slightly difficult and less painful decision now than put both you and your boyfriend (whom you say you love a great deal) through even greater heartache and suffering later. Call time on this relationship now.

I don't offer him near as much as he does, he's the giver and I'm the taker (not financially though). We are definitely not equal partners in this, because things always happen the way I want them. Why? because he allows it. Maybe he's too kind and I'm that evil ***** that doesn't appreciate a good man. Ideally I'd want our power dynamic to be more balanced, unfortunately he's rarely able to stand his ground in front of me. Even if you're madly in love with someone you shouldn't try to please them non-stop.
I've been honest with him, he knows about my worries, he knows that I'm having doubts because of our sexual incompatibility but still wants to go ahead with the wedding. He says we'll work on it, that he can change and things will be ok.
If we're ever going to break-up, the whole burden of doing it, is going to fall on me.
He'll never in a million years participate in this. It would be so so so much easier if he's think too that this is not OK.

I was a bit interested early on in the story as to whether you were interested generally in sex, or whether your sexual disinterest is unique to him.

But as the sorry saga unfolded, the sexual side of it emerges as pretty much irrelevant in this totally dysfunctional dynamic.

This is a train wreck in the making if you let it leave the station.

You will either make a very difficult choice now, paying the short term pain bill, and (once you have recovered) getting on with your life
or
You will not make the difficult choice now, and instead pay the long term pain bill and interest there-on and run your life into the ditch.

Your choice.

Make it as informed a choice as you possibly can.

Tread your own path.

I would take the short term pain over the long term agony, any day!