Bacon Scented Candles

To those kindly and well intentioned people who suggest that this can be resolved by any/all of the usual titillating methods, please be advised that these will NOT work.

What suggestions? Scented candles, holidays, stress relievers, date nights, sexy underwear . . . Anything you care to add.

Why won't they work in this situation? These things may work to revive a normal sex life that is in the doldrums for a period.  BUT they are entirely useless in the situation of a person who is in a relationsip with a truly sexless partner.

How do I know?  Personal experience PLUS the countless pieces of supporting evidence gleaned from this board.

Why is it inappropriate to suggest these things - they just might help?!  They are inappropriate because such suggestions depend on the one wanting sex to implement them.  And the problem does not lie with that person - it lies with the person REFUSING sex.  Every time a Refused person tries something which does NOT work (and believe me, the people here have tried EVERYTHING!!) then their self esteem is further battered.  Their failure (yet again) to stimulate their partner into having sex makes them feel WORSE than ever. . . .

Bacon scented candles?? Some time ago this term became "short hand" on ILIASM for all the suggestions that are described above.  Someone suggested that the smell of bacon was arousing and that was then suggested as a possible scent for candles!!   The term has been used ever since by long term ILIASMers to describe all the things well intentioned and good hearted people suggest as possible "cures" for sexless marriage.

So what DOES work? The six hundred million dollar question!  In most cases, NOTHING.  Very few situations of chronic sexlessness are ever resolved.  The deep seated reasons (usually unknown) for this behaviour are not easily addressed.  And the only person who can effectively address these issues is the person who has them.  In most cases that person (often called the Refuser here) is not interested in addressing the issue at all.

enna30 enna30
56-60, F
17 Responses Jan 7, 2013

In light of our recent discussion on that topic in another thread, I'd like to state my general agreement with you.

As I mentioned to Baz, I get intensely annoyed when someone provides what I consider "first aid" advice, to what I see as a chronic problem. I agree with the sentiment here that most of us in situations for years on end have likely "tried talking to them" and have probably taken a shower, or researched sexual and seduction techniques.

By the same token, just as there can be large disconnections with sexual appetite, or general intimacy, there can indeed be disconnections involving sexual kinks, and wholesale different approaches to sexuality. An obvious one (and a terminal one), would be if a partner determines that their sexual orientation is differnt, but there are all kinds of other variants and alternative preferences (or pre-reqs) that might be a factor. There's a bit of a grey area within this realm, and certainly on this board, where advice in this realm might be construed as either a variant on "scented candles", or whether it's actually a fundamental shift in identity and expectation within sexual expression.

Having been a few places across the past year, and becoming very familiar with people within these circles, I have come to believe that in some cases, there's a lot of value here, and I think it's more than just being "jaded". At least among my circles, some alternative forms of sexual expression (and not all) do indeed seem to correlate to some past trauma, seemingly as a way of "working with the grain" of whatever their psyche can handle, so they can also participate sexually.

I'm reminded a bit of this Tattoo repair/coverup reality show I saw, where people approached tattoo artists to fix a badly done tattoo with something beautiful. The old tattoo is still permanent, but the lines and colour are incorporated into a new design and are lost as background.

Apocrypha, you make a lot of sense. This is an area in which I have NO experience and I am certainly happy to accept your knowledge. It does become easy to see all sexless marriages as something that can not be fixed - because there is so much evidence for that.

BUT as you so wisely point out, it is not always the best option. The issues of divergent sexual tastes, either by themselves or coupled with former abuse issues, is a topic worthy of a lot of discussion here. I applaud you for sticking patiently with us (the naysayers!) until we have seen the light!!

Maybe you could lead a forum topic on this? Or a story? Your contribution on this section of sexless marriage is too valuable IMO to be sidelined as comments on other stories.

It would be arrogant of me to pose myself as anything more than a tourist - my personal inclinations are relatively "vanilla", as they say, whereas I've been cavorting with people who like spicy chocolate.

I don't have an answer all worked out, but in my own struggles with my wife and insights we've learned across the past year about what's easy and what's not, the issue of control and surrender is one that tends to recurr a lot in our negotations.

I am pondering a longer story to relay our journey within an open relationship. But as it pertains to BDSM kinks, there is an axiom within those circles that it's a poor match to have two Tops, and it's a poor match to have two Bottoms, and even Switches can often have problems with synching their desires. Tops are often that way because they cannot or do not wish to "surrender" control of a sexual "scenario" to a partner. Instead, they "hold the space" for the sub.

There's a bit that has broad application I think. Some struggles with aversion to intimacy (my own relationship with my wife is an example), end up stumbling here a bit. We have better frequency and overall quality, but it's always on HER terms, at her behest, at a time of her choosing etc. And that is about her retaining her sense of control, and resisting her sense of surrender.

Interesting to me that within circles such as BDSM, or "lifestyle" folks such as swingers, where sex can be treated as a scene, hobby, entertainment event, and where it is scheduled and planned for and prioritized, like band practice, that somehow the ritualized aspect of it seems to make it easier and less fraught, to "let go".

I truly encourage you to write that story. I know you will present it as your own story, rather than as the "conclusive solution"!! lol

There are a number of people here I believe who would like to understand this - and as you say, the "vanilla" people are not going to instinctively get it. I freely admit to being a vanilla person.

Furthermore, there WILL be others with insight into this lifestyle (VB comes to mind) whose contributions could also be of great value. I suspect most people outside of the vanilla rarely post about their own proclivities for fear of possible backlash. But this would be a great opportunity to hear from them too.

I am not a fan of regulation, and am thus writing the following as a bit of a whinge.

I find the scented candles posts akin to fingernails being screeched down a blackboard when such 'advice' is offered on this board.

What I would "like" is for anyone about to post a comment to do the story poster the courtesy of reading all their back story(s) to get a clear picture of what they have tried, how they have attempted to coax the corpse back into life, what their circumstances are. In short, gather as much information as possible, so the potential commenter can make an INFORMED comment.

When you have a poster who has just about axphixiated themselves on the smoke from scented candles and spent a small nations GNP on see thru panties, run the gauntlet of counsellors, doctors, scheduled innumerable date nights and such like - - - - -
- - - - - and then see some fuckwit post "have you tried really talking to them" or "have you tried seduction" - - - I oftentimes feel like bouncing left hooks off their skulls.

Ranking slightly below these style of uninformed comments are the equally unhelpful genre of comments such as - - - - "Wow. Just wow"

Then the are the opportunistic (male) commenters with the - - - - "I'd do you. Can I see your pics. Add me" who need hitting on the head with a hammer.

Whinge over.
Carry on.

Tread your own path.

In the vein of "have you tried really talking to them", I want to gnaw my own arm off at the elbow when a 20-something advises me on how to perform oral.

But don't you know that you couldn't possibly be "getting it right"? Just let that twenty something have one chance to show you what you are doing wrong and your whole life will be fixed in an instant!!! ROFL

yummm, bacon candles. just what you need to get the mood going. lol.

great points! and guess what? i never did any of those things with my STBX. because why? I KNEW NONE OF THEM WOULD WORK. ;)

because you can't make a person, male or female, feel passion and be passionate when they have zero innate desire to.

*ding ding ding* Right on.

Thank you. Every time someone posts a useless comment, I will now refer them to this post!

bacon scented candles , sick !

Maybe your love is asexual. People often think that sex and marriage or any other kind of relationship for that matter go together. They don't have to. The greatest relationships that will last into old age are normally ones based on who a person is not what they look like. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex. Maybe you should focus more on the person instead of that particular area. There are more important things in life.

If my STBX had allowed me sex outside of the marriage, then her being asexual would not have been a dealbreaker for me.
The emotional abuse *might* have been fixable.
But I could not be sexual with her without making her angry and myself depressed.
I could not be sexual with anyone else and remained married to her.
I could not be happy living in enforced celibacy.
So staying with her meant I had to commit myself to a life of guaranteed unhappiness...that's what she was asking, and that's neither a sane nor caring thing to ask another person to do for you.

hylierandom, I *like* this.

...If I felt hurt by her behavior, well, I was being illogical. If I felt hurt from lack of sex, well, I was just obsessed with sex...

Respect is a crucial factor, methinks.

Rated up

They either want you or they don't.

Agree 1000%!

Wish I had know it 20 years ago, but better late than never.

Maybe your guy is depressed or just doesn't feel very sexy himself.

Sweety, if you don't know the first thing about sexless marriage, then your comment might make some sense. In this context it is completely ridiculous!!

Thank you. You just made everyone here realize why you live in a sexless marriage.

*smile* - you obviously have not read widely here!!!!

But, being out of the sexless marriage..every time I see bacon..I think of all my friends here at EP.. in the ILISM. Bacon, may not do much for our spouses...but it binds our hearts and our spirits together. so getting to know you, was worth it all.... So, pass the bacon please.

Enna you are spot on. As i like to say most here can peform saint like miracles and they still wont be getting none!

The bacon scented candles DOES have a role to play I believe.

If it works, then you know that you had a jaded marriage capable of recovery, rather than a terminally dysfunctional situation.

If it doesn't work, then you know that you DO have a terminally dysfunctional situation.

That is valuable - albeit highly unpleasant - knowledge to have.

Tread your own path.

In my case, she said she wanted romance and candles...I did that, it got her *sort* of into it. She still made me stop after a few minutes...after I did 20 minutes worth of set-up and massaged her for half an hour.
We never should have married in the first place.


Please also add to the romancing list doing the housework, cooking, child minding and home maintenance. This especially for very helpful suggestions for men to inspire that 'oh so tingly' feelings in their spouse. As a man who has always done all of this and held down a full time job, let me say that there is no correlation between vacuuming the floor, taking out the trash and sexual arousal for a refuser.

Oh so true

I beg to differ. Him cleaning up or doing dishes while I enjoy a bath or whatever is a huge turn on. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! Of course, I am rather easy.....

Someone I'm into saying "Let's have sex! here! now!" is a huge turn on...;p

LOL! I reckon for sex people, anything affirming can be a turrn on. I did include the caveat "for the refuser" in my comment ;-)

Oops! Hee hee. Selective reading, just wanted to brag about my libido, I guess! :-)

ROFL! I reckon that is self-affirming.

Livin' libido loca...

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This should be required reading before you are allowed to post! Thanks Enna.

I agree, those things mention will not work. I've tried everything to fix my almost sexless marriage and it does not work. My husband does not see anything wrong with our situation, so adding candles or more sexy lingerie just leaves me sitting alone with lingerie on watching the candles burn and being upset that my husband doesn't want me. I dont know how many sexless marriages truly turn around but I know that for mine to it would involve my husband completely changing who he is and what he wants. I havent not left yet, only taken steps too, but I know my marriage is over.

It is a heart-breaking realisation, isn't it? Know we are here for you Jen when you need support and a shoulder to cry on (well, a few hundred shoulders actually!)

It is, and somedays I still dont know if leaving is the right decision. But there are many other days where the answer is very clear.

Thank you.

Written because a number of such suggestions have surfaced recently. I worry that the newbies may set store by such advice which we long termers (lifers?!!) KNOW will not work. I don't want to see a whole lot of people disappointed and let down yet again because their efforts have failed.