Real Man

I wish I'd married my idea of a real man. I thought at the time he was. I was so wrong. And I'm not just talking about out utter lack of sex. Apparently he was glad to marry a tomboy because he thought I would not expect him to do the 'man' things. I am still a woman. I am a strong woman, I am capable, I am sexy, I know my own mind. I do not need this BS in my life. I do however need support(emotional and financial) and love and need someone to want and need me. Why can't he? I know the why doesn't matter. Simply the fact that he doesn't/can't is telling enough. Having a rough time. Getting to the end of my rope.
Solonely80 Solonely80
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 8, 2013

woudnt be close to Toronto would ya?

Ah the tragedy of human existence. Most women wish they married a real man, whereas most men wish they did not marry a real woman.

Too true

You're right tho Redzcar, I agreed with that comment out of my anger at the time, I have been told by many real men that they would kill for a woman like me. Weaker men are intimidated by me. I don't however believe anyone said anything about being morally superior.

I wasn't bashing any gender more than the other(s?).

Sorry to read your story. I picked someone that was into sports and somewhat Tom boyish because I thought she would enjoy the world like me.

I enjoy good food, outdoors, swimming, nature, and sunshine. So should my wife. A little sensual hedonism. Like chocolate, enjoy skinny dipping, drink wine, kiss and touch in public.

Mine won't. Good luck to you.

I would even settle for non public affection at this point! My husband and I should have a lot in common too with the horses and riding, but our backgrounds in horses are too different. And he has the strange idea if I don't agree with him I am saying he knows nothing. So if we ride, we fight.

what a rip, eh

OK. As you are nearing the end of your rope, the time is nigh to make the landing as controlled as possible rather than it being allowed to turn into a full scale wreck.

Go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce will shake out for you. From within the parameters this information provides, start working on an exit strategy. Get it into do-able shape as soon as possible.
Tend to your network of friends / family / church to build up your support network, so you can lean on them when this all gets pretty tough (which it will)

Dunno that I would bother issuing cementhead an ultimatum / chance to lift his game. There seems no chance of him doing so, so that would be a waste of time.

Might be best to get all your ducks in a row, then chuck him out (if your legal advice is that you can) or leave yourself (if your legal advice indicates this to be a better option)

Set yourself time disciplines on this process. Examples -
- check out lawyers tomorrow.
- see one within a week.
- get a viable exit strategy together in a month
- knock it into do-able shape within another month
- pull the pin on this scenario in 60 days.

Tread your own path.

I have decided when my coworker is back from vacation I will ask for his divorce lawyers contact info. I will make an appointment to find out how things go IF. I am feeling very negative right now, but when he perks up I waver. I realize tho there is no harm in having a plan, it is much more likely that it will do me a world of good. I had already decided that I will have my decision by my birthday in early April to get the hell out of this damaging relationship or if things have changed astronomically I will give it 6 more months to see. I don't want to give up, but I think it's time.

Having a do-able plan in your pocket will definitely help you. Simply because it is a viable alternative. At this point, here, today, you don't have a viable alternative. Having a viable alternative will help you deal with this **** from a position of knowledge and strength.

Please forgive me Solonely80 because I know this is a serious discussion, and one that I am personally familiar with. . . but, bazzar, your comment, "Dunno that I would bother issuing cementhead an ultimatum / chance to lift his game" cracked me up! I'm still laughing.
I think your presence in this forum is admirable and exactly what "we who post here" need. You never waiver in your stance and its logical. Thank you for all that you do, and for making me laugh tonight! :) You're wonderful.
And Solonely80, I really think it's an extraordinary relationship that can make a 180 shift to love, respect and sex. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I've personally not experienced it. There are really good men out there, and life gets shorter and shorter everyday. Why not find happiness? I wish you the best of luck!

That definitely was a good one, and it fits! Sometimes he suddenly acts more like the man I married, and I see glimpses of what we once were, and how happy I could be if he could sustain it. But then he doesn't. I am far from perfect myself, but having approximately 6-5 years out of an 8.5 year relationship be pretty much sexless kind of wears on a person and makes them kinda cranky and tense, ya know?

We know - oh yes! WE KNOW!!! {{{hugs}}}

Oh yes, I know the drill too. I also have a man that shows me those same glimpses that aren't much, but just enough to keep me strung along. I go back and forth too. When you said your man was glad to marry a tomboy, because. . . this is exactly my situation, right down to working on our cars! In the beginning I felt like I was being a good woman, doing and doing for him. How wrong I was, all I was doing was setting him up to do nothing, while expecting everything. Whew, does this wear on a girl and bitterness is not attractive on anyone. I don't want to be the bitter, resentful woman, I just want to be happy and for him to be happy too. Who knows what the future will hold. :)

I don't do mechanics lol this is one area I am the 'typical female'. Which is part of what has brought on my latest rant. I have a brand new truck on full warranty. Very recently noticed a clunking. It has gotten exponentially worse. I tell him that. He says, you better call the dealership! While I accept this is technically an appropriate response.. Would most men not say, I'll take it for a drive and figure it out? Especially a man totally capable of doing many repairs himself. I didn't expect him to fix it. Just give a crap, and maybe some support, and reassure me it's not something totally retarded like a loose spare tire(which it is not). So I mentioned it to friends and coworkers today. And today I got the offer from a mechanic coworker to come for a drive with me to listen, and a friend's fiancé to go to the lube shop he manages to be able to easily get underneath and look at things. I now know the problem and have a big headache ahead of me. I tell my husband the problem, he says ugh did you take it I work today?(he doesn't want to help me but doesn't want anyone else to, possibly because it will help me realize I can do things 'on my own'(without him)) then he is being weirdly emotional. Won't tell me anything besides its not me, and he had a bad day at work and go away. Awesome. So glad I have such a ****** roommate for a husband.

LOL! Its not funny, but it is. Are we with the same ****** roommate? I think sometimes I have must have a really distorted sense of what "my man" should do. And perhaps I do. The only "real man" I have had in my life is my grandfather, my dad was a 2 weeks/year guy, and my pop was true. He was a logger, so he was strong, he was a gentleman, he would never think of letting my Gram deal with her car, or even gas for that matter. He would get upset if my gram got out of the car without letting him open the door, stuff like that.
Believe me, I don't want all of that. I am capable and would feel somewhat stifled if I couldn't do for myself. . . but to feel like I matter? that he cares enough to want to do something for me? that's what I want. Not sit on the couch and say nothing until there is a hint of "what is she up to so I had better act" type of guy. And when I reference "act", I mean, question her whereabouts and do some martyr-ing. He sucks.

I totally understand. When mine suddenly gets the urge to 'help out' he insists on helping with the things I gladly do by myself all the time. Like 'help' feed and water all the horses and dogs. It's my routine, I like it, it makes me happy to spend the time with them. I feed them at 5am before work and at 7 pm after work. Then he comes out for evening feed (on his rare 'helping' moments) and I get yelled at for doing this wrong or that wrong and he buggers up my whole routine. Seriously, go 'help' by doing a 'man' chore, maybe take the garbage to the dump, or work on the flooring or siding, or fix some of the fences the elk are destroying in their quest to eat all our hay! Not that I can't do those things too. And I would gladly help him with it(as long as he could manage not to tell at me). And that's my rant for tonight lol

I had a huge angry response ready for you Redzcar, but I erased it because you are an idiot and do not deserve such a detailed response. I do not resent him having a relationship with the animals. I resent the lack of support that I have told him repeatedly that I need.

I cannot work on my relationship with him because he will not communicate with me, or give me any intimacy.

And if a man can expect a woman to do the cooking and cleaning despite working as much or more in a week than he does, you're damn right she can expect him to take the garbage to the dump after she bags it up and puts it in the garbage storage area for him.

Expecting a man to do something to justify his existence in a relationship does not make a woman any less strong.

I know it only too well. I feel your pain.

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