Beginning IntrospectionIn preparation for moving on, I've started to sort through mounds of my own papers that I've stored in boxes. I admit in the past 2 years, since losing my job, I've lost control of my own documentation; there were also boxes I haven't touched in 10, 20, 30 years, from university, from high school, even from grade school.
As EX's cleanup is not progressing, I figured I might as well get the house in as much shape as possible myself.
I'm also giving myself permission to move on - from many aspects of my life. I will never look at my university notes from 1992. I have dumped them. I don't need to hang on to paid household bills from 2010. I have dumped those too. And cards from friends in 2001 that I no longer even speak to - all in the recycling.
As I go through this stuff, I am getting more a sense of who I am, who I have been. I really have done a whole awful lot with my life! This sexless marriage cannot define me. I am the person who won English and Art awards in high school - and looking at my old artwork, I can see I had talent. I've accomplished so very much in so very many fields! So I've "failed" at my relationships to date - at least I had them! At least I tried!
One particular piece of art brought up feelings of a pattern. It was a drawing of a dragon. I remember that I started drawing dragons because a boy I had a crush on wanted a dragon painted on his ceiling. This boy also was extremely troubled, dealing and doing drugs, dropping out, etc.
Looking back I can see that the guys I have been attracted to, have also been the troubled ones. The ones on the edge. The ones filled with anger, rage. The ones who mirrored my own anger. The dark horses.
Somehow I thought, if I could get their attention, we could be angry together. We could have that passion and turn it to good together.
What I didn't realize is that a person with that much anger can also turn it on ME. And my EX is an angry, angry person. He has lots of right to be angry - but just because someone has been hurt, doesn't mean they won't hurt ME.
Maybe everyone else knows this instinctively, but somehow I don't ... I think i thought that hurt people wouldn't hurt me.
I think I'm gonna post a picture for my friends here, a self-portrait from that time... how have I been shaped? What is it that makes me choose all the wrong mates? (pictures are posted - dragon one is for public, portrait if friends-only)
I think I'm going to have to work on me, for awhile.
One thing for sure, I won't make these exact mistakes. "Fixing someone" is no longer on my resume.