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The Void

I've read several of the stories on this site and I see true strength in all of you that have left your sad and sexless relationships. I also read the stories written by those that are still, like myself, trapped in a miserable, sad, unfulfilling, and hollow sexless relationship. Stories of men and woman that stay with ungrateful and uncaring partners. Partners who we sacrifice and neglect our own needs for, just to save our relationship with them.

After sacrificing for years to make my wife happy, I feel as if I have not succeeded in accomplishing anything that she would consider meaningful enough to "reward" me with the love and affection I so desperately yearn for. I have given this woman everything I have and more. Yet, I ask for almost nothing in return. I have moved across the country for her career, I have paid for vacations, planned extravagant dates, and bought her everything she has ever asked for. So for my troubles and effort I get to lay in bed with a woman that tries her hardest to deny me the most intimate part of a loving partnership.

So I started asking myself, why?.

That's when I realized I'm not married to a person. I'm married to "the void". The void is not human, it has no understanding of needs other than its own. It is a bottomless pit of needs I have to fulfill. The void however cannot give back. It is empty, it is unable to return the love and care that has been given to it. On the rare occasion that the void can show even the slightest bit of consideration for another persons needs, it is a moment to be amazed by. On these rare occasions, the void will ensure that you appreciate and admire the little effort they have put forth. Because for the void that's as considerate as they can be. The void will take everything you have, but it will not be enough. The void will drain you of any sense of happiness and love for life that you ever had. The void can transform into whatever it needs to be in order to ensure that you continue providing them with what they need. If it suspects that you are coming to your senses, it will do what it must to keep you in the daze that is a sexless relationship. It will cloud your judgement with the memories of days past. Memories of happier times and the promise of there eventual return. The void is tricky, the void is a liar, the void is unfair. The void cannot love you as a person, only as a tool it needs for its own happiness.

The only way to stop the void's control over you and your happiness is to realize one thing. THE VOID NEEDS YOU. The void needs a caring and considerat partner in order to survive. The void is nothing for you and I no longer have any use for the nothingness of the void in my life.
Knightinbrokenarmor Knightinbrokenarmor 26-30, M 20 Responses Jan 8, 2013

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Gather yourself around you and go! Now! There may be tentacles.

Wow. This was powerful. What a way to put it. (also, incredibly insightful) . Well you seem to have a real understandung or grasp ...if you read...or even if you do not....i highly recommend "malignant self love " you may find that it explains bith your wife, your relationship and you...and all the behaviors. Expensive book at $50 however much of it can be read online...just google it. The author is something like sam...im just gunna go look..last name vaknin.

Wow! What an excellent description....the void. Perfectly said..you deserve better, you're worth more then that.

I feel for you and i hope you will find the strength to move on in your life. your words touched me and giving me hope that there is men out there that want to 'give' unconditionaly/ truthfully...

Well written. A void? Avoid!

http://www.lovefraud.com/01_whatsaSociopath/key_symptoms_sociopath.html

"....Psychopaths' lack of remorse or guilt is associated with a remarkable ability to rationalize their behavior and to shrug off personal responsibility for actions that cause shock and disappointment to family, friends, associates and others who have played by the rules."

"...The feelings of other people are of no concern to psychopaths. Psychopaths view people as little more than objects to be used for their own gratification. The weak and the vulnerable—whom they mock, rather than pity—are favorite targets."

Also http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/01/04/rethinking-female-sociopathy-part-one/

"Sociopaths often have a gross and exaggerated sense of entitlement. They seem incapable of true love relationships and often confuse love with ability to control and exploit someone."

"...Sociopaths have an emotional need to justify their crimes and demand that their victims show them gratitude, love and respect. In other words:
Sociopaths expect that their victims show gratitude for being victimized by them."

Simply superb!

"That's when I realized I'm not married to a person."
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Oh, that's a person, alright. Reading your backstory, it sounds like she has been forthright with you in terms of what she presently wants from a relationship with you. And there was a wedding.

But in terms of the facts on the ground, is there presently what you would call a marriage? Is what you are doing recognizable to you as a marriage? Not in the legal/contractual sense, but in terms of your aspirations as an individual. Would you have signed up for this? Was there a point where you two were ever aligned?

If there is no marriage, I'm a fan of rocking the boat by invoking a "market correction". What would you adjust about your habits and behavior, to more authentically align your lifestyle to where you really are? Suppose you were planning to be single again? What would you do differently? Any chance you can start that process now?

hi,i read the story and i can tell u something,the void is not her,your wife,its you.she is constant as she knows she just have to ask and she will get.i wont tell u to leave her or divorce her but stopbeing the void and learn to say 'no' coz the real failure will then be u.i know its harsh and its bitter what im saying but im a void ,myself,i did everything when i was working for the first time,i said 'yes' to everything and wat did i get? nothing ,.i desperately wanted to please every1 that i was miserable and got out being a failure/im still the void. and i hope one day i will be full and not some empty thing

Love it, the void won't let you break free, the void has sanguine the life out of you but here you remain as loyal as one can be. You walk around confident but really your so weak, the void is your life, your project and you can't break free. I can relate to this, this is how I feel.
I understand how hard this must be, people can say run, don't look back but it's like a drug you can give it up.

Good that you realised that the VOID needs you to validate her being. In this case it may be an idea to withhold some of the things you do for her, let her realise that you can not be taken for granted and you need something in return. Dont be a door mat, be your own person.

Mate, that's dark. You are done. Get out. R

<p>-----"It is a bottomless pit of needs I have to fulfill."</P><br />
<p>You don't have to fulfill any such need. You did it because you got something out of the dynamic.</P><br />
<p>Distasteful as that sounds, the only fix is to own your part in the dynamic. </P><br />
<p>And once you own it, fully and responsibly - you can change it to better suit you and your needs.<br />
As long as you are willling to pay the price!</P>

The "void" to which you refer is the "we".

The "we" is the illusionary identity that your refuser wants you to believe exists - and that YOU desperately WANT to exist.

There is no "we" in dysfunctional relationships.

When you realise that, you have constructed the first rung on the ladder from which you can start you climb out of the void.

Tread your own path.

Nice story well put together. Chasing the why can really do your head in. You seem to have established your why pretty quickly.

You are right when you say that Refusers need us and all the attention, house,chores, financial providing, etc we do for them. It is the Refused that keeps providing them the ammunition they in turn use on us.

Question here is have you had enough of your void which might make you consider your legal options, and leaving?

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

For me, your description is not of my partner, but of my mother. This describes her relationship with me and my siblings to a T. I lived like this exactly, only as The Void's daughter, until I saw the light. You are also correct in how to a-void the void. You are young. I wish you a speedy getaway and a quick start on the rest of your life.

Not all Refusers are "the void" but I suggest all refusers have at least some of these qualities. A very novel and creative explanation that helps put the situation into an understandable light! Thanks!!

Like a black hole... Taking all within its reach and offering nothing in return...

Very well stated...

Rated UP. I have never seen it written this way before, but you are 100% spot on. What are you going to do about it?

Run like hell.

Stop asking Why and RUN! You are really blessed as you realised what happens now and not in your 60s

Amen.... dispose of the void and live a happy life, one filled with love and affection...