Wha?? Huh?Right after Thanksgiving, its over she's done. Had it. We sleep in different rooms, keep talking a bit. Still very cordial between each other. GO to another therapy session in which I propose 2 options and new years eve dealine. My last ditch effort to complete MY process. Option 1) New vows, new rules, and I put in writing for the first time my frequency and active participation requirements. Option 2) I laid out the divorce road, Said the rings come off immediately, we separate money and share custody from the same house for 3 months, then allow for a checkpoint (are we really sure), if we are sure then prepare the documents and divorce by August.
I said we would choose either option by New Years Eve at midnight and no decision was a definitive option 2. So we scheduled a therapy session New Years Day and went about the holidays.
The holidays were great! No, no sex and no exxpectation of it. There just relaxed environment. The therapist said 3 words at the end of our previous session that have apparently lifted the veil of understanding for my wife... "Dying to Self" Anybody heard of it? Well this led her to tell me she messed up, and she didn't realize how much she had sabotaged our relationship. I said "ok", and she said she couldn't quite put it all into words yet, but she was working on it. So we went and had a great holiday with both of our families. No appearance of a couplen near the brink.
So then we go to therapy on New Years Eve, and she writes a letter to me that she is sorry for doing so many things wrong this whole time. And the reason for this enlightenment is found in a blog called the peaceful wife. Basically has to do with a man needing respect to show his wife love, and a woman needing love to show a man respect. Obviously a vicious cycle. And parts of it make sense to me. So as agreed earlier she could propose amendments to my proposal for consideration, and even thanked me for the origianl proposal. Well a bit of concern back and forth and she is still unsure of the frequency, but after talking it really boiled down not to a frequency demand as much as a "quit turning me down" demand. So she said she would do whatever she has to save the marriage. She said she will not turn me down, and she will initiate once a week on top of that. Well, so far she has brought it up everyday. She has only turned me down once, and she initiated as well. She has been much more communcative on the whole topic, and even with the touches throughout the day. Basically a tremendous turnaround!!!
So my only problem is that it took a lot out of me to get this point of elightenment..... and now I seem to want more than just the sex void filled.... There are many differences in what we prefer to do hobbywise (motorcycle vs gardening...) and through this process I have thought about finding someone I share more in common. I feel like I am now moving the goal post on her, and I feel bad about it.
I didn't expect the elightenment part! Now perhaps it may be short lived, and I brought that up at therapy... but that hasn't stopped from continuing her transition. And so while I thought I had a plan, a deadline, i's dotted, t's crossed.... I am still day to day with my emotions albeit with a much more supportive, communicative, and physcial receptive spouse!!