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The Professional Victim

If you are on these boards it is most likely that you are saddled with what we call in ILIASM as a Refuser.

However i have also come to realise that it would be fair to say that in many cases the Refuser is also a Professional Victim. So what is a Professional Victim you ask?

A Professional Victim is somebody who feels they are forever wronged in their life. They will complain endlessly about all the things that have gone wrong in their life and on a day to day basis you included.

If you are unfortunate enough to live with a Professional Victim well life can be hell. You are forever attacked and reminded of all the things you do wrong by him or her. True or Untrue. Every effort on your behalf to please the Professional Victim will go unappreciated and more likely be used as just another excuse as to why and how you hurt them.

A Professional Victim engages in extremely negative behavour and loves to forever play the martyr. If the Professional Victim is not martying themselves out than they are never happy.

The Professional Victim is not a victim at all instead they are a sheep in wolves clothing. The Professional Victim is always on the prowl and looking for ways to bitc...h, moan, complain, & run down their partners self esteem with their self aborbed distorted bullsh...it.

The Professional Victim loves to set you up and is forever laying traps to catch you in. How many times have you asked your partner is it ok if he/she babysits so you can go out on a particular day with your friends? The Professional Victim will happily agree to your little excursion even encourage it only when the day comes and you eventually come home from your little adventure you find he/she is in a bad mood, & streesed out. They then spend the rest of the week reminding you how horrible you are for what you have done to them and just how bad you treat them. It is usually at this point where they tell you just how bad a parent you are as well becuase on the one day a month you choose to go out all of a sudden in their distorted minds you are the worst parent.

Also i am sure many here have heard this line from the Professional Victim they live with. If only you cleaned the house, took out the garbage, made dinner, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, etc so i wouldn't have to do it all I WOULD BE MORE WILLING TO GIVE YOU SEX. This line my friends if you ever hear it is the biggest Malakey ever fed to mankind and should never ever be believed. You could perform Saint Like Miracles and you still wont be getting any loving from your Professional Victim who by now has taken your miracle making and turned it into a sin

SO in conclusion if you are living with someone who constantly complains about their life and how bad you treat them, or just how much your parents offend them,(even when your parents do nothing wrong) or perhaps they blame you for everything even if the sun was to fall out of the sky you are indeed living with a Professional Victim.

Life with a Professional Victim is extremely tough and at times the parftner of a Pofressional Victim prays for death. Indeed to them death by Darth Vaders lightsaber seems more pleasurable than having to endure the constant rants of a Professional Victim.

You see there is no cure for a Professional Victim, it is a condition that is associated with Narcissism and Bipolar.

If you are unfortunate enough to live with a Refusive Professional Victim than i really do pity you. Your options are limited and unpleasant. In most cases having a good exit plan is about the only form of insurance you can take out against the Professional Victim.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978 31-35, M 10 Responses Jan 8, 2013

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My friend is married to someone like this... He's evil... She's finally gotten her and her two children away from him... But he will not leave her alone... He's gone all around trying everything he can to smear her name, or make people believe she is this horrible person. He tells them he's been a victim of her abuse and all... It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad and sick... I pray he gets the help he needs... That he'll realize he's making a joke out of himself by posting crazy things or pushing his story of her being this awful person.. It's a very hard thing for me to sit and watch happen... Praying that Jeff and anyone who needs it seek to help they need... For their own happiness...

My abusive ex accused me of being a professional victim... Funny thing: Now I'm married to a man who treats me kindly and respectfully, and I never have anything to be unhappy about, and I never, ever think of myself as a victim. Sometimes, accusing a person of being a professional victim is nothing more than gaslighting. I hope participants on both sides of the equation stop to consider whether or not the person they're victimizing is, in fact, an actual victim.

I unfortunately married one. Had no clue until 4 months in. She is making life for me hell and worse my 4 yeard old daughter. Solution. Documentation. This is a form of abuse. Us men can be abused. My attorney was impressed with the amount of documentation crazy voicemails and texts I showed him. She will be served sometime next week. Do not stay in a relationship like this. Therapy is futile. People like this have a way of thinking no one can understand. They care only for themselves. No matter how much they may cry and bed and try to make you think they love you, 5 minutes later all this was your fault. Stay far away.

Thank you. I tried very hard. But the stress was far too much. (Had a stroke this year) and my little girl is really hatting all the aggression in the house. I have to do right by her. I do hope we all end up happy..

Good luck Deejay

I wish you all the best. Good move on documentation etc. It will serve you well later.

Made my day!

Yup!!

So well written, so true. I love the Star Wars hints in your stories..so funny.

Yup, that's my STBX. My favorite part, when I finally started calling him on this behavior he always says "Look how messed up my parents are. You should be happy I'm as well adjusted as I am". Nope, I'm not happy with it.

One of the things that pees me off is that society seems to provide succor and encouragement for this mentality. I am not talking about helping people who have had a really bad time, more about the "professional" aspect you refer to. It's hard to trust the Victim message when so many people are making a living from supposedly helping (and in practice, likely harming by keeping them in learned helplessness).

Anyway, I am highly peeved that refusers get bolstered by toxic notions of acceptability and immoral autonomy at the expense of others.

Dan Savage has a nice phrase about this ploy, the "if-onlys", the hoop jumping you're supposed to go through before Shangri-La happens; except there's always one more if-only.

I have heard the hoop jumping described as constantly shifting goals, titanic deck chair rearranging, etc. it all boils down to ain't nuthin ever gonna be good enough. there's always some new, more elusive sumthin *they* want/need in order to "want" us.

thanks for verbalising the toxic encouragement/back up. yeah that's a p!sser alright.

Where-as there are most assuredly "Professional Victims" about in this common to us all situation, they ain't ALL like that.

But it doesn't particular matter whether they are "Professional Victims" or whatever other label one might apply to them based on their behaviours (eg Narcissists / Passive Agressives / any other of the terms that appear here / unknown cause.

They are intimacy averse to their spouse. That is the common TRAIT, irrespective of the "cause".

And the two options available to the disenfranchised spouse remain the same as ever.

Tread your own path.

Bazz so true at the end of the day it does not matter what banner we put them under what matters is they are not intimate with their partnee

my first refuser played the victim card.. and drank a lot


second one is passive agressive with a sprinkle of victimhood.... and doesnt drank at all

One size does not fit all. Well written and well stated, but not my reality. Better days ahead