House Of SadnessI feel silly posting another story, I feel too needy. But - writing is my therapy and you all help so much. Last night I posted a short story, releasing pure frantic energy. I deleted it, sparing you all. I can't stand being in this house, it is suffocating, full of sadness, regret, remorse, grief. Lies too.
I tried to make this our home. During our "working it out" phase I finally made a collage of pictures on the wall -- I had to search very hard to find happy, smiley pictures, but I found a few. Printed them in black and white and put them in silver and black fr
My dog lives here. I don't have kids (we are "lucky" in that respect, I know, but save your judgement there, you don't know everything). But we have a dog. And this dog has been my buddy for all of his life. I did daycare when we first got him. He was always at my feet -- by my side -- all day, everyday. All the sudden he is old, very old. Can barely walk, I have to carry him up and down the stairs to go ouside. He falls a lot. He's 11 and it looks like his back legs will give out on him before the rest of him, forcing me to make an awful decision for his fate. (and I made him promise he wouldn't make me have to do that) The floor is littered with his toys, he still tries to play. He's been barking and howling out of the blue a lot lately -- he must pick up on my energy. He always has. As I type this now he brought his favorite toy to me and is laying at my feet, wanting me to play with him. Anyway -- what does this have to do with anything? I don't know -- I am just full of sadness. Intense sadness.
Nothing went the way it was supposed to, in all my life, it seems.
How do you wake up one day and not recognize your own life, and not want to be there? Well, I know how.. I won't go into all that again. It just sucks really bad.
So...the "sentimental" crap wants to flood my heart. As I prepare to take the leap, all the sudden all the sentimental stuff wants to surface? As if any of it was REAL?? I was TRYING to make this life work and I was paddling by myself in this boat UP STREAM. I am tired now. I stopped paddling little by little... and now I am just running with the current. The house is falling apart since I stopped caring after I closed my daycare (ask me how exhausting it was to keep it bright, safe, clean and love-filled for 8 years by myself.. and I am not playing a martyr victim.. the guy did not help). I was so burnt out at the end of 8 years, but it wasn't because of the kids, I loved my job in that respect.
And now --- he must have caught up that something is changing. All the sudden he is cleaning (NOT a prerequisite for sex, remember, he was the one who denied me intimacy) and hugging me as I walk in the door?? WTH do I do what THAT now???? Last night he wanted to "cuddle"..????? I have never heard him say that word before and I am not even exaggerating. I am not -- I have never heard him say cuddle before. I had to refuse him.. "I have to get up early".............. OMG..........
I can't stay in that bed. I can't stay in this life. So I am trying to figure out what I can DO today --- I need to DO something. The pictures will come down (we are in the process of selling this house anyway, ALL things point to the end of the era), though we are probably months away from that being final. That's another thing, though -- we are starting to talk about where we will go to next. And, I can't with him. There is NO way I am dragging this party on.... I haven't had anything to say. Obviously.
The grief is heavy, but writing this out has helped some. We all work through stuff differently I suppose -- tapping at the keyboard is my way.
I recognize I need more concrete steps, though. Like actual movement. I don't have enough money saved up, but do we ever have all things "perfect?" I don't yet have a room to move to -- I need that first. Before I tell him. Because after I tell him, there is NO way I can stay in this house of sadness.
Edited to add: The other morning, omg, that was yesterday, time is playing tricks on me -- anyway, yesterday I woke up with these words ringing through my mind and I don't know where they came from, but they must drive me forward: "Healthy and thriving can't survive here." My environment is toxic to who I am and want to be. So, sad or not ---- I have to keep walking forward.