House Of Sadness

Damn it! Now I'm all sad and such. I'm sorry, Awakeforthedance. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Just Remember you have all of us to support you.

I feel your sadness, awakeforthedance. You articulated it very well. It's a time of transitions in your life, and while it's easy to mourn the things we're losing I personally find great value in knowing that by letting go I'm making space for something else. 'Something else' means something new, and it may feel better, or it may feel worse, but whatever it is it will have something to teach us about the transience of life. The nature of life is one of flow; things come into our lives and they leave. When we put our happiness and satisfaction with life on external things we immediately set the trap for our own suffering. I'm pretty skilled at that myself (much more so in the past than now), but life experiences contain endless opportunities for us to move beyond the suffocating experience of our own suffering.
First and foremost we're meant to learn to love ourselves, and from that bring a sense of wholeness to everyone who comes along the path into our lives.
I'm not trying to belittle your feelings or your experience, but one of my earliest teachings came from a Buddhist who said that attachment -to people, places, things, even emotions- is our greatest self cruelty. Sometimes we even grow attached to suffering (and that's how entire religions are born, but I digress). I'd like to encourage you to learn to meditate, and grow curious about the feelings of suffering. You and you alone are the only one capable of liberating yourself from it. Go easy on yourself. Breathe. We're all like cresting waves on the sea, falling back into our greater self again. Everything is okay...

Reading your story brought back the same fears I had to face not long ago. Engaged to be married, didn't want him anymore. Had to leave, but how, when and what do I say. It ended abruptly and no good came of it. In my advise, make your plans, have somewhere to go, get your strength and it will guide you. It's no easy task, knowing it's the end, but it's easier when you make a plan. But don't hold back your feelings of leaving, it will only haunt you later if you give in. Sadly, it sounds like he finally sees it, but now it's all too late. Some never change their spots, only camouflage them for a while. Good luck, I wish you the best. Be strong ♥

You are not alone, I understand everything you are saying. I feel the same way. The only difference is I have to keep a fake happy facade going through it all because there is kids involved.

I understand the need to release that sadness through writing. I'm sorry for your situation and wishing you all the best. xo

Reading your post reminds me so heavily of the weight of sadness I felt when I was realizing my marriage was dead. I won't say that life was just amazingly better as soon as I left - but that was in part because I underestimated the strength of my love for her. "I love you, but cannot stay with you" was literally true, and I had a long grieving process (which is not entirely over, but mostly over) that was soul wrenching. But - it does get better. Know that it does get better. And on the other side are new friendships and relationships where people will respect you.

Given your situation Sister A, you can probably file what follows under "Redundant Information" (I've written it more for the benefit of newbies)

Newbies.
It is advisable, when you get to the point of figuring your marriage might be dyfunctional, to get yourself off to a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. And, to figure out a rudimentary exit strategy. Depending upon how your life is panning out, it may be wise to polish that theoretical exit strategy in to do-able status. All this BEFORE "The Talk". At a time when you are rational, in control, and thinking objectively. If you never use it, you've lost nothing.

In dysfunctional marriages, things can turn to **** REAL quick, and that is NOT the time to be in a mad scramble to try and put together an exit strategy.

Be prepared.

Tread your own path.

Awakeforthedance, we are here for you. Stay well.

Ok now

Thx for concern of my dog... but i am not putting him down yet. He has pain meds. He is eating... drinking... playing... and all his bodily functions work. He simply walks like an old man. You dont shoot grampa cuz he walks like an old man. I trust my boy will keep his promise and go peacefully in his sleep.. but if he doesnt... he will let me know when its time somehow. But i cant dwell on that yet. That kills me.

Stay strong...for your sanity and health...

Sorry having bad time
Made me sad heard about your fog mine went
Like that so sad after they are such great companions .
Afraid the time to take your dog to vet is coming soon.
Hope good time come for u soon .

im in similar situation and want out but not sure if ican afford it i work 2 jobs im scared and stuck and alone and so sad help please

I feel terribly sorry for you, but you must take one step at the time. Take your loveable dog and go to a vet with him. You must care for him and he should not suffer. The vet will make him fall asleep and all his pain will be over. I have done it twice, and it was the hardest thing in my life, but I knew that I took away his suffering, and an animal should never, ever suffer, this is why we are there to protect them. Once you have done this you can look for a new home for yourself. You must love yourself, you create your own life darling and you have only" one" life. It is a gift. Be good to yourself, leave what bothers you, and start a new life it will be full of sunshine. I feel for you very much .

ugh........ well that sucked.

I am glad to moving forward but there is definite sadness. My dog was howling when I was in the guest room, so I went and sat on the living room floor. STBX was in recliner... motionless, quiet, expressionless. My dog sat inbetween my legs and I just pet him.. he rested his head on my arm and sighed. I think we were all silently grieving this chapter coming to a close. (at least, I was and I think my dog was) Not easy. Even though this is for the good -- the tears stream. He knows it's not salvageable. Things will be weird now... been here before. But I do feel stronger this time. Okay -- off to kettlebells. I will not stop taking care of myself just because I am sad.

You have reserves of strength within that will carry you through . . please know that you are an amazing person, deserving of love and happiness. Your story is so inspirational. This is a place for sharing . . . without reservation. I wish for you better things to arrive in your journey ahead. Know that through the struggles to come, there are people who can relate and will support you ! Stay focused and believe that in time you will be led into the light, to find joy and content . . . Blessings

Your dog is living in the moment. He brought you a toy. He wants to play. He thinks YOU should play.

You should listen to your dog. :)

I can feel your pain... No matter how much we try to rationalize and know in our hearts our decision is the right one, it still brings with it a lot of grief and sadness.
We married our H's out of love, dreamed of a life together, vacations, memories etc and how little regard they had for our feelings...
I don't know whether they do it on purpose or this is how they are genetically engineered ...no feelings, no emotions and no love..
Your story brought tears to my eyes because this is what I feel... emptiness and sadness
Stay strong and know that you are doing is the right thing..it's difficult but it's the right thing, you have endured enough and I wish you find all the happiness you deserve

I suggest you tell him that, after the Talk, you will be having a few days away from the house because you need time alone to process everything.

And GO! My recommendation is that you find somewhere not too far away (you will be in no shape for a long drive) where you can retreat by yourself for a few days. It could be a friend's place, or family, but you might be wiser to be somewhere you can be alone.

As for the money side, choose somewhere low cost (possibly a cabin in a holiday park?) but see this as an ESSENTIAL expense. My dear Ex would say "We saved for a rainy day - and it is raining." Today, dearest Awake, it is raining. . . .

Watch TV, go to the movies, go for a hike, read a book, sketch, whatever you feel is helpful for you to relax. Give yourself time and space to feel your pain. To plan your future - starting from the minute you walk back into the house . . .

And when it all gets overwhelming, distract yourself. Have a Hot Chocolate; walk around the mall window shopping; have a pedicure . . . whatever it takes to get you away from your pain for a short time. But remember, you cannot distract yourself from the pain all the time.

BTW, find a pet friendly place and take your dog if possible. {{{hugs}}}

I am not responding to it, but he sent me a long email..... financial stress, he's been depressed, unmotivated, etc............. okay, yes, but it's been like this for YEARS. YEARS and YEARS. And, even at our best, I know it's not to the level I need with us. So I can't be sucked in again. I just can't. Good news is I don't feel the guilt anymore with all that he said --- he wants to try, etc. I quote: "I love you and I wish to stay married and get through all of this financial crap. But you may not, and I don’t really blame you. I’m a mess." That's how he ended it. What do I say to that? I am saying nothing. We will just talk tonight, I guess. And, our "financial mess" is just freakin' LIFE...... yes, an upside down mortgage, dealing with trying to get out from it -- so WHAT?? So you stop living? And before that we had OTHER messess... high-stress jobs.... broken cars.... it's ALWAYS something...........

Yep....and it happens just like that. I had it one time while putting clean sheets on the bed...a heat wave engulfed me, with the words "it's time to leave". I shrugged it off and continued on my day and went to the bed that evening. The next morning I the same heat wave engulfed me and the same words, it woke me from my sleep...and then I acted. I couldn't deny it any longer.

So, you see, it happens just like that...just like you say.

Isn't that some ****? We finally hit our breaking point - we can't take it any longer, we resolve to leave, we have no more hope, no more amorous feelings for the spouses who unilaterally took our sex lives away. We want OUT, and they can either sense it or we outright tell them, and they cling to us like a static-filled dryer sheet and try to initiate intimacy. It's maddening and nauseating.

Stay strong! You will get through this.

(((HUGS))) It's kind of eerie to see someone else in the same emotional state I was in just a little while ago...Realizing your marriage is dead, this is a very sad thing.

it's a hard time for you,,,i understand alot,,,,bless. dogs are the best

Thank you for sharing this....it hurts my heart....it rings some bells for me too.....I'm very unsure of my life right now....
Please don't take this the wrong way, but, in some weird way, you're lucky that you are certain of your needs.....I hate the 'not knowing' part....

I wish you all the best in your future moves...wherever they may take you.....I hope your path leads you to pure happiness...

I feel for you. The love and care that you had for your dog and to lose him must have been heartbreaking.
You need not be trapped in a situation when you are able to get out. The sooner the better. It is never too late to start afresh. Being on your own will a hundred times better than being in a hell hole.

This post is incredible. It is so raw and heartbreaking, but also I feel so much hope for you. You finally see what you need and who you are, and you are no longer willing to negotiate that away. Godspeed.

Let me just say I've spent too many years being scared and being sad. When I finally gathered up my courage to leave my first marriage the sense of relief was so astounding that it overcame the fact that I had no money or a place to live. Was I sad? Yes, a broken marriage is a death of sorts and I grieved for that. One door closes, another opens...trust that. We are all still responsible for our own happiness....only you can change what makes you happy and complete, when and with whom.

Your post resonates. 10ish years ago there was a *significant* (as opposed to the status quo) blip in my marriage. At the same time, my beloved pet was dying of kidney disease, and undergoing palliative care at home with fluids and injections, etc. It was a difficult time; just started a new job with huge responsibility, heartbroken over a sexless marriage AND the pet being so sick. Knowing that soon the pet wouldn't always be there for me, to curl up at my side... I don't know... grief is not easy to explain. But it's there; all encompassing. Sir Earl Grey's (the pet, not husband - LOL) time was coming to an end, but I was having an extremely hard time making the necessary decision to euthanize him. A friend, who lived with us temporarily, gave me an article about how pets sense our needs/our wants and stay with us/hold on because of that. The article gently suggested that it was time to let him go. And so, I had a conversation with him and told him that I was ready; that I wanted his pain to end and that it was okay for him to die, that I would be alright. I still get emotional thinking about it; the way I sobbed with him in my arms, all the way to the vet, and how my knees buckled as I carried him into the clinic. Obviously not an easy decision, but the right one. Kind of like letting go of a marriage... not at all easy, but necessary to move forward.

I felt something strange .... a real smile emerge on my face...rooted in the heart... upon seeing the sunrise. It wasnt forced....it felt foreign i suppose because I have been forcing them... my face wasnt strained for a moment...my gaze was soft... and I felt a glimmer of hope even in the midst of chaos. I am so thankful for that.