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Expectations

After the 500th time I brought up the conversation of the unfairness of this marriage she used a word that made me really think, "expectations".

During that conversation I asked her (again) why it was so easy for her to take from me, but so difficult to give back. Her answer was "you're a man and I have certain expectations of you".

When she said that I froze. "Expectations???" I asked myself. So I asked her to list some of these expectations so I may have a better understanding of where my shortcomings as a husband are. Like a grocery list of items she stated out loud what I should be doing for her;
You should love me for who I am (aka, I don't want sex so stop trying to get it).
You should pay all the mortgage and utilities, because she works hard for her money and she should be saving it.
I need to buy her presents more often, out of the kindness of my heart.
I need to take her out more.
I need to take her on another vacation.
I need to help her pay her bills.
I need to understand that sex is something she does when she wants.
And she continued for a while more. After she was done I asked her a question that completely set her off.

I asked, "what expectations should I have of you?" She responded by very angrily saying, "I am your wife and I love you, if that's not enough to make you happy then you're the one with the problem."

I sat there and laughed mockingly. I then grabbed my coat and went for a walk. I never thought I could be so bitter by age 26.
Knightinbrokenarmor Knightinbrokenarmor 26-30, M 100 Responses Jan 9, 2013

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Living with someone in love requires compromise. You 'both' should be in a comfortable place, equally loved, equally discussed. Sounds like she's not budging much by your comments. This will only lead to resentment. Work on it together. Love each other.

Those are unreal expectations. She is just being selfish and immature. Your relationship is going to get worse. What will it take for you to wake up?

Several folks I've heard mention a book about "love languages". Have not read it myself but from what I gather, it says that people express love differently. Some require actions, signs of devotion, some require words, others require physicality. These things fill our individual "I am loved" tanks. And when the tankv isn't getting filled, well its not a satisfying love. Sounds like may have different love styles. Perhaps the book can offer some objectivity perspective on the struggles facing both of you. Best wishes.

How long have you been married, Knight? Are children involved here? After reading her list, it seems to me that her demands and expectations are unreasonable. There are some women who get nothing ... and have come to expect nothing and yet function at high levels (not that this is right either.) I do not know what she considers love - but love is something you do ... it is a verb (a doing word.) Take it from me, do not stay bitter because you are going to miss out on many precious things. It is not what you had hoped for or even prepare for but it has happened and you have to find a way to deal with it, for your own good and welfare. Your situation can make you cold as ice but do not let it.

Wow!!! That is some messed up situation. I get where you're coming from and I'm kinda in the same boat. Our partners have so much expectations from us and walk around feeling entitled to you fulfilling those expectations. It should be both ways. You both should expect from each other and you both have to fulfill each other's needs. Sounds like she's being selfish, which I know all to well. You were right to walk out. She can't just dump a grocery list on your lap and not expect for you to throw one back at her. If she thinks that by you just being with her is gonna make you happy and you should just settle for that, she's highly mistaken.

My advice is to leave while you're young, get rid of that bitterness and get ready for the next relationship where you can feel equal in. I'm 26 as well and I feel so resentful towards this relationship I can't seem to get out of fast enough. We're not supposed to be bitter in our 20's, that's insanity. Untrap yourself and move on, however, if you feel it can work somehow then do stay if you feel there's a glimpse of hope in your relationship. If not, it's time to make some changes.

I suspect you already know that without a wonderful sexual "chemistry" it ain't gonna happen. Sex between spouses etc. can help us re-realize why we were in love to begin with. Where is the line between being stingy with sex and being just stingy? Marriage needs generosity.There has always been a discrepancy of desire in our marriage but,it has not been static. It has flip-flopped many times over the last 45 years and I admit when she wanted sex and I didn't it thrilled me to say "No". Yes I was an ***. Finally I decided that I did not want to live a life cut-off from desire. A wonderful way to hear "not tonight dear" is with her addendum "but let me give you a hand with that". Too great an inequality of desire may mean you two just aren't the right match. Good luck brother.

was my story helpful 2 u knight?

It was helpful, thank you. I know that there is a billion other woman in this world that would someone like me to care for them. And, your case only serves to reaffirm that. Good for you for finding true happiness.

thanks knight...hope my story gives courage 2 those who make the decision 2 be happy")

knight...i share your pain...i left my 1st marriage 17 years ago because she didn't support my dreams of becoming a screenplay writer....and this def affected our sex life....lol...one morning i woke up and said, "i want a divorce." ...she replied, "You're crazy!"...i told her "I have never been more sane in my entire life!"6 years later, i met the most beautiful girl in world online in a chat room....a Cuban American girl with a heart of gold...she enjoys reading my screenplays...supports most every decision i make, and our sex life is STRATOSPHERIC!so if you have 2 make a choice 2 be happy, remember my story...one good decision changes everything")

That's amazing! I'm also a screenplay writer. The difference is my partner wants to support me in it, but I don't trust her reading my stuff. She is way too shallow, superstitious and would probably want to change my projects around. With so much tensions and rocky relationship, i haven't felt inspired to write, I don't even have the energy to write dealing with her everyday. I was supposed to go to school to better my skills in screenwriting, but that was placed on hold for her. I'm happy that you were able to leave that relationship and be blessed with a wonderful one. It made me laugh when you told her you wanted a divorce and she called you crazy and you made a combat comment I can't wait to spill on my girlfriend. I'm happy for you, congrats.

How do you get to that point where you believe you can do it on your own-that you deserve to be happy-when someone has broken you down, has affairs-blames you-and lies about it. I don't want to b intimate with him-becos I don't want him to touch me-I definately don't think he is monogamous, I have seen emails, texts, pictures to several women, and he says its harmless-there is always a story-and he keeps implying I am insane-becos I battle depression-I have had enough-but financial constraints keep me stuck-we have a son-I also have a mentally ill mother I am trying to get into a home-nobody is helping me with anything-im so overwhelmed

u just make a decision over...decide that u deserve happiness...let your heart guide the way!

yeah...after my divorce and i actually attended film school...lol...funny that u mentioned that u placed your life on hold for her...hope she was worth the sacrifice...u must love her a great deal...ps...why don't u let her read your screenplays? u really don't know anybody's reaction...look at my ex's response...she told me i was a terrible writer...only God knows my talent...no some mere mortal...haha")

When someone breaks you down-it takes a while to get to that point,but after 8 years-nothing has changed-I cant do it overnight, there are complications-but I know I just have to make it happen-can't do this for another 8

if you have children, that's a complication..otherwise, take a deep breath...and tell him what's in your heart")

3 More Responses

Wow... Your only 26? I am 21, and reading this I would have guessed you were more like 40 by the way your describing your marriage. I agree, she must be REALLY hot because I really don't know why else she would think she's the only thing that matters. If love should be enough for you, than why should'nt it be for her? Talk about reverse double standards!!! I consider myself a pretty attractive girl, but in a relationship your partner should always be equal to you. It kind of sounds like she's super comfortable belittling you, and thats a problem. We all have needs but she cant expect you to handle EVERYTHING!? Yes we all like to be treated like queens but a real woman will remember that no matter what we're still adults and have responsibilities too! Just because you happen to have a penis doesn't mean you should be picking up all the slack... When you guys got married you made vows to EACH other, not you to her.

i agree with u snickerdoodles...either u are an equal when it comes to sharing your life...or u get out...no one should have expectations placed on them, except love")

<p>I am sorry but this is very funny.Your wife is either very shallow to make such statements without feeling it is rediculous or she was mad at you about something and did not know what she was talking or maybe wanted to irritate you and show you that you do not treat her right and she feels that the marriage is unfair from her perspective which is funny too because she impose double standards- she is a woman, therefore, she may make sex whenever she wants but if you refuse her it will be unfair; she can save her money but if you refuse her to spend your it is unfair and so on. Just it is funny and irritating at the same time.</p>

Wow! How old is she? 12? She must be really hot, because I can't think of any other reason why you or anyone else to put up with that, or why she would think anyone would put up with that. She needs to be knocked off her high horse. Truth! Okay...so it is true that sex is very emotional for women. In other words, if a woman is angry or unsatisfied with their partner emotionally, you can forget about sex. More Truth! She is desirous of the relationship being almost entirely one-sided. I would definitely not ask for sex from her anymore and would occasionally throw in the comment about how you think this person is really hot or that person is very attractive. Change up the game. She thinks you need her. You're still young. You don't need her. Refrain from having an affair, but do flirt with other women when you're with her. In order to be happy, you're gonna have to do one of two things....either leave her and find a woman who appreciates you or administer her the big dose of humility she so desperately needs by showing her she isn't the princess to be worshipped that she thinks she is.

Knightinbrokenarmor,
lija30 comments are promising.
You must take control of this marriage by speaking assertively to her expectations. Marriage is a partnership. You share responsibilities. You serve each other. You set goals together. You serve each other. You spend time together and then alone. You serve each other. Your wife is NOT the CEO of your partnership, CEO's run corporations. Marriage is a commitment towards needs-meeting until the death of one or both partners. When one partner fails to meet the expectations of the marriage, then there is a breach of contract. A breach of contract in legal terms means that the failing partner has become negligent and can be sued to dissolve the partnership. Get this! Don't let your conscious run your partnership. Apart from emotions, make your decision about your couple. Then, hold a meeting and discuss the options with your partner. Can she meet YOUR EXPECTATIONS? THE MARRIAGE'S EXPECTATIONS? Will you continue to meet her expectations? If the answer to any of the above is no, then you have a breach of contract.
http://apostlelockley.blogspot.com/ and author of Before I Say I Do

Life is too short to be unhappy. If you are satisfied with the effort you have put into it to change things for you to be happy, and it hasnt worked, leave. After all, with what has been said, is a complete 100% loving healthy sexual relationship possible with her.

Your response should have been... "HEY! That's MY answer! :-)" Seriously though if she thinks a marriage is you waiting hand and foot on her and her thinking she shouldn't have to do anything she has UNREAL expectations and based on her answers alone is a selfish, self absorbed, immature person who does not know what a relationship is. What you should do his come up with your own list of expectations and tell her if these aren't expectations she's willing to accept and happily meet then there's no point in continuing this relationship and you need to find a grown up who appreciates your qualities and she needs to find a sugar daddy that will tolerate her b.s. Of course that won't happen if she's not willing to perform when and how he wants.

Dump her. I'd have left my relationship a long time ago if I could have and actually if i get this job I've been interviewing for I WILL. Life is too short to be miserable so early in life. Cut your losses.

You're addicted to sex. My husband is, too. He began asking me for it, talking about it, asking why I wouldn't even during times I literally was battling with hypothyroidism, he was wanting it. I told him to go look for it somewhere else. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him because he has turned sex into an obligation for me. That is what you've done for your wife. Her bills are probably your bills too and your just not willing to admit that on here. I would leave her just to give her a break from all your demands. If you want sex from someone who will give it to you because you make them then maybe getting a hooker every once in a while would help, better yet, go get counseling.

It's just too bad your hypothyroidism keeps you from acquiring adequate reading comprehension....

Mtiff I don't know what you read but why are you accusing this guy of being a sex addict? Did not only what he said but HOW he said it register? She gave a grocery list of what she wanted for doing ZERO and didn't give anything in return. Instead of saying he's a sex addict maybe you should just admit you are frigid cold fish. Project much?

I said that because it is in the group "I live in a sexless marriage." It's just my opinion, but when he said, "Her bills" I really did think something fishy was going on, though I wasn't thinking it was me. Also, I do believe my advice was sound. We are all adults here. I'm sure no one cares if he goes out and finds sex from someone else. It just doesn't sound like he cares about his wife much to me because he is slandering her all over the internet. All of this is just my opinion and I am no professional. I'm not sure what you mean by 'projecting.'

I'm pretty sure you slandered your husband by calling him a sex addict in your initial reply. Also, you may think that allowing your husband to sleep with random women and prostitutes is ok, but I don't. I didn't get married so I would have to find affection in the arms of another woman. Lastly, if you think wanting sex more than 2-3 times a year makes me and addict, then you need to get of this forum and go reevaluate your own marriage.

Ha. Love it.

She wants to "save her money" for herself and she expects him to pay all the bills with his. She is very selfish. It is OUR bills and OUR money together" She doesnt feel she should have to participate in the bill paying! amazing. If you loved someone and that person is your soulmate this alone could be a defining point in the disintegration of the marriage. for if she feels like its not a path they are both on together then she is not on board with what a marriage is all about.

Knigtinbrokenarmor you have done nothing wrong. You sound like a great guy. I have been married to the same man for 37 yrs. He is my soulmate. He treats me like a queen. We have sex all the time whenever we can. We dont have separate accounts etc. We are devoted to each other in many many ways. He and I respect each other. I would do anything in the world for him and he would swim through shark infested waters for me.

Dont listen to that babble she needs to grow up and be a real woman. I am sorry you chose wrong in this marriage. I hope you dont have any kids yet. Find someone who you can grow old with. She will just smother you and hate you the whole time.

It's not slandering what I did. My husband and I actually seperated. I didn't just complain. You noticed about as well as he did that I had a very real and serious health problem that he thought he could make better by having sex. The reason I talk about my story is because we are so past that phase. If you really knew what my problem was and what it is like to be with an addict then you probably wouldn't have remarked the way you had. I still believe your story is incredibly one sided.

While you have my sympathy for your health issues. Your circumstances do not in any way match my current situation. I have gone months without sex just because she was never in the mood. At the longest I went over a year without sex. So if you think that I wouldn't do the same because she had a serious medical condition then you must not know what a loving husband really is. Yes, I did complain and ask for sex, but I never forced her to do anything she didn't want to do. My wife has no health issues, I know this because I go with her to most doctor and gyno. appointments.

As far as the "her bills" comment, I love my wife, but I'm not the one that maxed out most of her credit cards. I pay most of the mortgage, utilities, upkeep on our cars, and groceries. We make nearly the same amount of money, so it's her over spending that makes it necessary for her to ask me for financial help. I'm extremely frugal when it comes to spending on myself, my car is nearly 10 years old ( I love my car😠) and we just got her a 2012 SUV because she was embarrassed driving my beat up truck. So I agree with you that my story is one sided, and I'm on the losing side.

no, just one who bugs his wife about it for the five hundredth time. I was just annoyed by how many of these stories reflect on whats wrong with the spouse because I see at least three stories from this group everytime I scroll the popular or recent stories for this site. I was wanting to add another perspective that I had not seen on here yet. I realize I was being offensive for calling him a sex addict. I'm sorry for that. I'm done with responding to anything from this group or otherwise I will just be repeating myself as I have nothing else left to say. Peace~

Mtiff, please read my story called "Young and sexless" and tell me how cruel of a husband I am.

If you love your wife and will not leave her because of this issue then you must just be without it. Youre a man and men need sex in order to feel love by ones spouse. About your bills you have to make decisions together. Its not he said she said. TOGETHER. Tell her you need her love. Find out what rocks her boat and do it. What is her story?

You sound like a prude! A rude one at that! Why would this man come on a confidential site and ask questions about how to help his marriage if he was going to lie? I am very curious what you consider "addicted to sex"? My wife has Hashimoto's (hypothyroidism) and she has not once used that as an excuse for lack of labido, this doesn't mean that it doesn't cause it. However, that's the same as assuming it does. Of all the women I've met in my life I've noticed trends. The women that are very hateful about men wanting sex usually have something to hide (I.e. an affair, abuse, gay tendencies), just something to think about.

10 More Responses

She is not worth your time. Get out and don't waste anymore of your time.

Don't just walk out. Get in the car and keep going. What a selfish C**t

Leave. Now.

Sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. Never feels good to not be appreciated. In my heart of hearts I believe love is so much more than gifts, vacations and money. I hope you find the relationship everyone deserves.

You're 26-get out now. I am already in my thirties, have a 2 year old son, and still stuck-2013 is the time for change-u deserve more

Dear Knightinbrokenarmor, my heart goes out to you becos my situation is so similar, and for me its almost like i don't feel worth it enough to leave-its a mindset that the people that claim to love us-put us in-but in my experience i think is more about control. I have been in this for 8 years, and the question I am asking myself is can I put up with it for another 8 - because what has actually changed? Perhaps this question may be useful

get out?

Get in your car and drive away. Permanently. No matter the other side, its not going to work. Can't imagine why you are still with her.

Your wife is cheating on you or you have failed to see whats going on. She is using sex as a weapon against you, and this is normally what happens when the man stops having expectations of his wife. I suggest that you tell her straight up how you feel and put her back in a womans place. Women always do this kind of game after marriage because they feel like they are doing everything and don't want to submit to you. I suggest you cut the cable off if she is a house wife because the women channels on tv just fuel this kind of behavoir. Now that men want different things sexually some of these woman are just too lazy and unattractive to do it. They blame everything but themselves for how things turned out. I think its wrong to use sex against the man unless he is totally not worth the time. You need to man up and get to the bottom of this and stop letting her treat you like a child. Have some expectations out of her, if she don't do her hair let her know that if she did something to her nappy head then maybe you would give into some of her expectations. Maybe if she did some or even half of the things you wanted then she would get more out of you. Also let her know that she doesnt have to threaten you either with no sex because if she is not going to communicate you on how to make things better then you will be sleeping with someone else. Don't beg her .......dont give in to her mess.....be strong .........and let her know who is daddy in the house............

Wow. That's definitely not a give and take relationship. Sounds like you deserve better

That's total and utter bullshii!t . Talk about narcissism .. Tell her when did marriage become one sided. Please her and do for her treat her like a queen. Wtf I mean yeah being pampered is fun but if it's not reciprocated then what's the point..

Some of the responses below would probably have touched the points like whether was she like this before marriage... I feel your anger and frustration, you try to do you best to give and give and just hope she'll recipocate in return... saying things like "I'm your wife and I love you" may be "reassuring"... perhaps you should ask the feeling of love to be transform into an act of love. If she wants gift buy her "Making Love" by Dr Gary Chapman highlight parts that you felt important to you... If you have read this book you'll know what I meant :) If she even remotely loves you, one would hope she make some adjustments to accomodate that. Otherwise, cut your losses you're too young to be married anyway.

Okay you are me in the reverse. Except I was blindsided by the whole sex thing - that was good until a while ago. I pay all the bills, do all the work, and get no sex. It's no fun. But I am 43 and have two small kids. I hate to tell another person what to do, but if you can, get out. And if you can't, go find a couple women who will **** your brains out every chance you get and don't feel guilty about it.

I sympathise with you. No doubt your wife is selfish, but my question is - did she change once you were married or was she always taking from the relationship? What did you love about her to want to marry her? :-)

WOW, I say she seems to be a very selfish person and it is all about what you can do for her, this is no way to live, marriage is never all about 1 person. My only hope is that you figure out what you want and need out of life and go for it since she is only worried about her...

Oh man, reading this made me sick to my stomach I'm so sorry :(