Stopping The Fight, And Reclaiming My Power.(for those who have not read my stories, I am in the process of divorcing my refuser after 9+ years of a SM, mental anguish, heartache, anger and depression.)
So, today, I had an epiphany. Well, last night I did, to be exact.
I realized that ever since STBX filed middle of December, I've been putting all my energy into making this about US, not me, not my kids. Fighting for the sake of "winning", getting my "fair share", "being right", "being better", etc. What I have accepted is this: fighting or winning is not going to get me what I want. This whole time I haven't thought about what I want for myself and my kids, only money, houses, cars, all the fun financial stuff that goes with a marriage that is ending.
But what about ME? What about my KIDS?
As I was home with the boys after work last night, playing with them, and waiting on STBX to get home with dinner from a restaurant, I took it all in. I realized that I couldn't bear to let my STBX have the house AND the kids, while I moved out and started over from scratch. Every single toy, piece of furniture, cookware, dishes, etc. (except for a few things) was bought by me. I provided and created this environment for my boys, not my STBX. I am the one they come running to in the middle of the night when they wake up crying, not STBX. I am the one they want when they are hurt, tired, scared, etc., not STBX. I'm certainly not discounting STBX's place in my kids' lives by any means, but what I realized and finally accepted with peace is this:
I am their mama.
I will always be their mother, and they will always love and need their father, but right now, as they're so young, they really do need me and are primarily dependent upon me for everything, not STBX. So, how heartbreaking would it be for me to be the one who "leaves" just because I wanted to "win" financially? My boys would be devastated and perhaps feel abandoned. (Not to say that they won't feel that way about their dad if he leaves, but you know...) I also don't want to go through the hassle, stress, and expense of moving, selling things, starting over from scratch just so STBX can have the house and everything in it, plus the boys.
I am their mama.
And they need to stay in this house, with me, with all of their familiar surroundings, friends, schools, etc.
Today, I am reclaiming my power as a powerful woman, mother, and individual who cares more about her boys' well being than winning at all costs to get what I want out of a divorce.