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Stopping The Fight, And Reclaiming My Power.

(for those who have not read my stories, I am in the process of divorcing my refuser after 9+ years of a SM, mental anguish, heartache, anger and depression.)

So, today, I had an epiphany. Well, last night I did, to be exact.  

I realized that ever since STBX filed middle of December, I've been putting all my energy into making this about US, not me, not my kids.  Fighting for the sake of "winning", getting my "fair share", "being right", "being better", etc.  What I have accepted is this:  fighting or winning is not going to get me what I want.  This whole time I haven't thought about what want for myself and my kids, only money, houses, cars, all the fun financial stuff that goes with a marriage that is ending.  

But what about ME?  What about my KIDS?

As I was home with the boys after work last night, playing with them, and waiting on STBX to get home with dinner from a restaurant, I took it all in.  I realized that I couldn't bear to let my STBX have the house AND the kids, while I moved out and started over from scratch.  Every single toy, piece of furniture, cookware, dishes, etc. (except for a few things) was bought by me.  I provided and created this environment for my boys, not my STBX.  I am the one they come running to in the middle of the night when they wake up crying, not STBX.  I am the one they want when they are hurt, tired, scared, etc., not STBX.  I'm certainly not discounting STBX's place in my kids' lives by any means, but what I realized and finally accepted with peace is this:  

I am their mama.  

I will always be their mother, and they will always love and need their father, but right now, as they're so young, they really do need me and are primarily dependent upon me for everything, not STBX.  So, how heartbreaking would it be for me to be the one who "leaves" just because I wanted to "win" financially?  My boys would be devastated and perhaps feel abandoned.  (Not to say that they won't feel that way about their dad if he leaves, but you know...)  I also don't want to go through the hassle, stress, and expense of moving, selling things, starting over from scratch just so STBX can have the house and everything in it, plus the boys.  

No.

I am their mama.  

And they need to stay in this house, with me, with all of their familiar surroundings, friends, schools, etc.  

Today, I am reclaiming my power as a powerful woman, mother, and individual who cares more about her boys' well being than winning at all costs to get what I want out of a divorce.  
txmusicgal txmusicgal 36-40, F 10 Responses Jan 9, 2013

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Sooooo well said!!

and I wish you all the strength to maintain that confidence every moment from here forward...

as I was sitting at the hospital waiting for my youngest daughters appointment the other day..the one my STBX tried to keep me from...

I had a similiar epiphany....
Even though my children are older...
It's me!!!
the one they have called to wake up in the middle of the night from unniversity
the one they have always looked to....etc...
And that doesn't mean that I don't believe he is an extremely crucial part of their lives!
Just that he chose to do it seperately!!!

It is hard!!!!
sharing the same space while sorting through everything....
You share this particular aspect with me...
and there are alot of financial ties to sort out???

SO WHY?
I have known in my heart from day one that I need to keep our home...friends...schools consistant and now have a renewed commitment to it!

So why am I not listening to my gut?

I Thank You for helping me appreciate my own jumbled thoughts!

you can do this!! seeing an attorney is the best first step you can make. also consider starting your own financial stability now. open a credit card in your own name, open your own bank account, get your own cell phone. do all of this without you STBX knowing. you need to take care of you, not let your STBX take advantage of you and try to take everything away from you. you are stronger that that. don't let him beat you up. hang in there!!

txmg, no matter what stbx does, remember this: *you* want only what's best for you and your kids. this isn't about him and (to a lesser extent) it's also not about you (singular). it's about you (plural: txmg & kids). work for the outcome that offers the best near- and long-term future for that (plural) you.


and yeah it sucks but that means you've got to live with stbx while all the details are hashed out.

but you're a mama tigress and i have absolutely 100% faith you can weather this.

xo

spot on smithy. that's exactly what it is, the plural "we", me and the kids as a collective unit. that's what i had the epiphany about. it's not about me vs. him, it's about what i want to provide my kids with, and that's my choice and my decision to make. not anyone else's.

and living with him sucks, but i will not give into his traps or PA behavior. just this morning, he tried to rope me into an argument by PA saying "is there anything else you want to say or should I close the door?". he was fuming about the fact i told him that my mom has been waiting on him to mail her her glasses, and that it would be nice of him to do that since he promised he would.

sideways anger. and i did not play into it, i told him he could leave the door open, that i needed to tell the boys goodbye, and that he could cut out the PA BS. then i got in the car and laughed. hahaha.

then i saw a good neighborhood girlfriend of mine, and i cried on her shoulder. i got the best hug i've gotten in a long time, besides from my parents and my kids. how sad is it that i've been without physical affection for so long i've almost forgotten what it feels like? and when i get a simple hug or kiss from a close friend, family member or my kids, i feel like i'm getting some physical affectionate need met. :( that's so sad.

i don't want to live like this anymore. :(

I'm sure it will be a tough road, but you sound strong enough to handle what comes. :)

thx miss lee. it's more about reclaiming what i've been told and told myself for years, that it's my fault, my problems, my issues. and really, it's only me that can reclaim myself, not H, not anyone else. with this post, i'm choosing to recognize that i deserve better, that STBX is not worth my time or energy, and i refuse to play into his games or traps anymore in order for him to frame me in some sick way. i am my kids' mama. i do not have to stoop to him. i am worth more than he thinks i am. i do NOT need to doubt my capabilities, no matter what he says or his family says. I AM A GOOD MOTHER AND A GOOD PERSON.

I'm just married to a ****** husband. lol.

Best of luck in your new journey! Sure it will be adventurous! :)

lol, it will be adventurous for sure. it's like a fun house ride! non-stop fun 24/7/365! ;) i'm being extremely sarcastic here, fyi. ;)

thx, though, really.

lol what is a fun house ride? Like one of those things at the carnival with the spooky characters?

yes exactly! but i am ready for a new adventure, seriously. i'm ready to have fun again.

I LOVE your attitude !! Stay strong, I'm sure it will be enough (and then some) to carry you through what is inevitably to come . . along with all the love & *HUGS* and from those closest to you, who will support you and know that your EP circle will be here to cheer you on as well !!! Keep on, keepin' on !

thank you katt, i really appreciate your kind words and support! i feel so fortunate to have found you guys, it's like having an instant support group of friends in the 10s of thousands. :)

10s of thousands? You are popular :D

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I am projecting forward a bit (maybe a lot) sister tex.

When this all washes up, and the custody matters are "agreed" or "mandated", cementhead almost certainly will get some sort of a share. I would predict that his enthusiasm to take up his share will drop away very quickly indeed (based on the picture I have been getting of his personality - based on your writings).
I reckon he will abdicate as much of his parental obligations as he can. "The kids" main value to him are likely to be vehicles for him to make a **** of himself with you, and if you don't "re-act" to that bait, his interest level will drop off exponentially, leaving the kids mainly with you - no matter what is "agreed" or "mandated".

Tread your own path.

hey baz, thanks for replying.

yeah, cementhead WILL get some sort of a share, that's to be expected. but, what i realized, and what my post is about, is i need to stand my ground as the kids' MOTHER who has their best interests in mind 24/7. he is a very engaged and involved dad, and i am very grateful for his involvement, honestly. but, i also wouldn't be surprised, like you mention, that at some point he will find that it is 'easier' for him to not be as hands on as i am, because that is not who he is naturally, nor is it in his nature to even consider being as engaged as i am with the kids 24/7.

i will not react to his bait, i've already reacted too much already. but this is in some way letting go of the anger, and moving into a place of acceptance and finally saying "THIS IS WHAT I WANT". and then let the chips fall where they may. but i will stand my ground, and i now know what i can and cannot negotiate on when it comes down in mediation.

i will indeed tread my own path. i look forward to having a path with no cementheads on it. ;)

You rock!

thank you! and thank you SO much for helping me hash out my back and forth stuff about the house. it helped immensely. :)

I love reading your posts! You are strong and powerful. You are the BEST advocate for your kids! You are reclaiming what is rightfully your's! You are AWESOME!! {{{hugs}}}

thank you enna!! it is a truly healing feeling to know that i AM reclaiming what is rightfully mine, and that i also don't have to GIVE UP on what is rightfully mine either!! ((hugs)) back!! :)

You go girl.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

thank you!!

Now you're talking ;)

Good luck!

lol, took me long enough to 'hear' what you all have been saying, huh? ;) thx.

and, many kudos and thanks to everyone that has helped me come to this decision, especially:theremustbeawayout, sunbaby, chai07, gibbysan, and smithy. :)xoxo.

((((((((tx)))))))))) this brought tears to my eyes.

aww, thanks smithy. :)