I Need Your Help And AdviceHello! I often wonder if I am the only one who thinks life shouldn't be this hard. Reading some of the stories on ILIASM and maybe I'm not alone after all.
I have been married to my wife for 8 years and have 2 beautiful boys. The last time we had sex was when my 4 year old was conceived. I know! So I have effectively been celibate for quite a while. My wife is decent, honest and a good mother. As a person she is great, but that's pretty much where it ends.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, try and live life to the full and have a free spirit. I love meeting people, talking and getting stuck into life. Work-wise, I consider myself successful and enjoy what I do. She is the complete opposite. I get instantly depressed when I leave work to drive home, knowing that I will be subjected to a night of boring monotony. She doesn't really talk much, apart from complaining about stuff. There is no mental stimulation whatsoever. Any conversation I try and have is cut pretty short with a one word answer or a blank look. If we drive somewhere, say a 2 hour drive to see her parents, she will literally not say 1 word for the entire journey. I may as well be on my own. I gave up making conversation a long time ago.
She has not worked during our entire marriage and spends her entire life on facebook. She has no ambition and doesn't do anything. She's fairly attractive and seems to be obsessed with how she looks. Not in an arrogant way, but I constantly have to give my opinion on what she is wearing or how she looks. Dull, dull, dull! I have financially supported her throughout and pay off her credit card bills when they are maxed and arrears letters start arriving.
Friends probably look at us and think we are a perfect family. She is all about outward appearance. Our home is always tidy, but with 2 boys, can get a bit cluttered. If we have people coming around she rushes around in a bad mood to tidy up to impress whoever is coming around. She started smoking about 8 months ago, but refuses to let her mother know as she wants to keep up a non smoker appearance and she is scared of her mother. I just think you are who you are. If someone is coming around then people will see me as I live, end of. If I wanted to smoke, I'll smoke. We're adults, not kids!
So mentally there's not a lot going for us. No arguments, just a lot of frustration on my part. To the sex...
I used to try and maintain a normal sex life, but it just became hard work. There was no passion. I am pretty open-minded and believe sex should be free and exciting. She is mechanical has no sense of adventure. It's not like she has refused to have sex openly and I have never begged for it. She just says she never feels like it. Actually I don't even want to anymore.
I have brought up issues in our marriage quite a few times and even suggested that we go for counseling. All of this was just brushed under the carpet. She just coasts along and would never take the initiative to try and sort things out. I have given up. As far as she is concerned this normal. My self esteem is shot. I'm really unhappy and get depressed about my home life. If we do go out, in conversation, she will make out like we have a fantastic sex life and I think to myself "if only you knew.." She often tells me how lucky I am to have her as a wife as well.
My conundrum is the children. If we didn't have kids we would have been over a long time ago. My justification is that when I had kids I decided that I was responsible for them. They are both very loved and I feel like I should sacrifice myself for the sake of their stability and happiness. As I said, we don't argue and everything is civil. We do a lot of family stuff together and on the outside everything looks fine.
I'm just really not sure that I can carry on like this. I'm finding it really hard. Besides the lack of mental stimulation I never imagined that I would go nearly 5 years without sex! I have never been a cheater, not a great liar and have too much of a conscience to be a bad boy. But I think about sex all of the time. I miss intimacy, touching or just talking. I also imagine it would be hard to start all again. My confidence is low and I'm not even sure I would know how to talk to a woman anymore! But then again I'm so lonely in this marriage, it can't be any worse. Its just the children. I also worry that she wouldn't cope. She is not self reliant at all, but maybe that's what she needs. I don't know...
My head says stay, my heart says go and see what life has to offer. This is so difficult and I don't know what to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or can maybe relate to what I am going through? I know that there are 2 sides to every story. I'm not about blame. I just think that we have different expectations. Even if no one reads this, it has been good to get my thoughts down. If you did read this, I appreciate it!
openhonestdecentguy 41-45, M 19 Responses 1 Jan 9, 2013