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Sexless Again

I am perilously close to viewing sex in a negative way...again. I look at men and see nothing but heartbreak. My friends are encouraging me to get right back in the saddle. But....I don't desire to. Was that it? One year of emotionally-distant, mind-blowing sex and I'm done? Maybe just maybe if I had a positive male role model as a child I would find it easier to look past recent foibles. Can one read a book or take a pill to trust? I think not. I'll revert to panic mode for now, thank you very little. I'm scared outta my mind that I've gone too far down an emotional path. Am I salvageable?

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All I can say, after reading your responses, is wow...

My intention was to log on this morning and delete this sad, sappy post. I am so glad I didn't. That would've been more downplaying of what are real, albeit hopefully brief, feelings.

Thank you so very much. Your support is priceless.
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore 46-50, F 18 Responses Jan 9, 2013

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I know there are men out there that can provide you emotional support and great sex, but how to find them? If we knew the answer to that we wouldn't have these forums to discuss our issues. I hear that when you are not trying, love finds you. Go engage in the activities you love to do and maybe that someone who can see the passion in you will bump into you and start the relationship of your life!

What it really comes down to is getting back in touch with your own wants and desires again. After the long empty of a sexless marriage most of us have no idea of what we really want or need anymore. So just take it as it comes and if it makes you happy and it makes you feel good then that's a positive thing but getting knotted up in a tight relationship until you have relearned yourself and defined what you really want isn't a good idea. We tend to jump at anything that seems better than what we had simply because we are starved for the attention and love that we missed out on for all those years and that makes us terribly vulnerable. Getting grounded and being happy with yourself and making a new life as yourself is job one once you get that done then it's much easier to include other people in your life. What starts off as some friendly sex can grow from there as long as you don't get too clingy and insist on ownership that's a big relationship killer these days. Being open to new people and experiences gives love a fertile ground to plant itself in and once it starts growing if you nurture it there is no reason it can't thrive.

I have viewed sex (or perhaps my sexuality) negatively shortly after I met my spouse. Been there, and beyond. I know I will never have a root again. Not happy, but mostly reconciled. Between sex with her, sex with someone else, and defusing an armed bomb, I'd choose the last one every time.

This is a long process with fits and starts. There is no, correct or normal path to take, just your path. Cookie cutter solutions usually don't work, you have to figure out what will work for you and move forward from that point.

Don't forget to leave a trail of popcorn on your path encase you have to turn around and backtrack, but I won't tell anyone if you do.

I think that after being in an empty relationship, or any non functioning relationship, especially if it was a fairly long term situation, when we move on, we are making our selection on a narrow range of behavior. After a non loving marriage, any one that comes into our life that is the least bit romantic, is impressive. You don't have to do much when your contrasting it to the previous empty marriage. And so my thinking is, you just miss-read what was there. And that, to me is a normal pitfall for us. I don't know how we would really be able to be a true judge of what should be there.

I will use me as an example..my spouse and i were not holding hands...and so to me that is a loving thing to do..my spouse and i didn't hug, and so that too is loving..so if a person is new in my life, and is a hand holder and a hugger, well he just blew the ex-spouse out of the water..and so it is really hard to evaluate a loving connection.

I think the answer is, the second time around, to take your time in any new relationship. You not only need to get to know your partner, you honestly need to get re-acquainted with yourself.. for ex: I know that my life has been on hold for such a long time, i don't even know what I want. I keep saying..i just want normal, what ever that is.

What you have experienced has made you a different person. You are a different person. But that was going to happen anyway, irrespective of the circumstances. You have learnt a lot and I would argue that it is the negative experiences that bring to us what we truly usefully learn, about ourselves and others. Can you think straight-off of any positive learning experience that you have not just taken for granted?

I personally believe we have choices to make. Let our negative experiences break us or make us. Twee I know, but it is really that stark. Sink or swim. You may have not yet figured out how you are going to swim, or when, but at least be fair to yourself by telling yourself that you will swim; at a time and means of your own choosing. Your friends are all very well-meaning and are encouraging you to at least try to be positive. Listen to them even if you don't act when and how they suggest.

You can't avoid douche-bags in this life unless you are going to become a hermit, even a convent retreat won't do the trick; too much chance of suffering someone else's unwelcome BO. You'll use your experience, the bad stuff, to make you a stronger, more confident person to spot the bull-sh!tters and deal with them and to exercise doubt to your own benefit. And it's not about setting yourself specific objectives and time-scales, but setting yourself on a more positive, satisfying journey, rather than just making do.

Can I encourage a different mindset, one that has been useful to me? That is to say, you are not sexless, you are choosing not to engage right now. And for me, "sex" is actually an intrinsic part of my life, permeating it, giving it energy and value. It's in the touch of the wind, in my every waking moment.

And that's completely independent of whether (or not) or how I'm expressing it.

That's something that gave me the courage to confront the sm, and live without sexual expression, because I knew that it would always be there, on my side - not some inconvenient nasty thing to be dealt with so it would go away. And I knew that if I were single again, that would be fine too.

peach, i agree with tmg: pshaw!

i am tempted to give you a tough love boot. instead, i'll give you a loving & understanding hug.

some things other commenters said crystallized in to one thought for me.

you went from a SM to a self-full relationship that lasted for a year. the fact that sf relationship lasted as long as it did speaks volumes (to me, as it should to you) about your ability to keep the *right* kind of relationship. when you are ready for it.

right now you're not ready.

think of this sf relationship that's just ending as the smaller bandaid you put on a big hurt. you're graduating to no bandaid.

huge hugs, and take your time.

xo

***sigh*** stupid auto correct.

SEX-full (sf): *not* self-full.

Text me if u need my help

It will take time, but yes, I think you will trust again. As others have said, if you aren't ready to jump into things, then don't. When you are ready, you will.

"My friends are encouraging me to get right back in the saddle. But....I don't desire to"

End of story. DON'T.

You know what happens when you start letting other people run your life.

When you change your mind, and you DO desire to, then at that time "DO".

Keep on making informed choices like you have been doing. Longer term, the outcomes are truth based.

Tread your own path.

Incidently, it occurs to me that compared to your dysfunctional marriage, this choice (will I look for a root at the moment or not) is a VASTLY superior position than that of being in a position of 'will I ever have a root again' as existed in your sm.

not to mention all the control-powergames, the pettyness, the .... etc etc etc that you do NOT have to negotiate around every day.

It's pretty scary, spiritually speaking, when the emptyness of the absence of abuse is so loud that we long for the abuse to be back. Seriously, it is my opinion that when the emptyness no longer shouts and echoes at you, when you're content just to be you, you'll be ready to embark on something new, and grown-up.

{{{ hugs }}} I think it's a little bit like skinning a knee - it's bruised and scabbed - and then you bump the damn thing into everything and that hurts WAY worse than bumping your good knee would. Maybe you need to let the pain from the SM heal for a while. If you don't feel like 'getting back in the saddle' then give yourself a break.

You are a warm, smart and valuable person - whether you have someone in your bed at the moment or not. You'll be ok. {{{ more hugs }}}

Go slow.

Princess FullStop

are you salvageable? what? pushaw. of course you are!! you are just coming down from living in a SM to Sex Land and then out again. the mere fact that you found someone to have mind-blowing sex with for a year is pretty awesome and telling of what is yet to come for you. :) hang in there. ((hugs))

like++++++

You are slavagealble. For sure. You can trust. Just be careful who you give your heart to. Listen to people who like you. Do not give up. You are far too valuable for that.

JP, You are hurting from heartbreak. This is normal. You are still grieving the marriage and now moving on from the first relationship after the marriage reopens many of these wounds. You will be ok. You are getting there, this is just part of the steps. Work on you. You're not only salvageable, you're actually doing well. There is so much growth coming out of the last months for you... even if it feels so sad and confusing right now.

At the risk of being a Pollyanna, I very much doubt you're done. You were in a sexless marriage, you left and found sex. Lick your wounds, dry your tears (assuming you cry - I do at these points), regroup, decide what you want. My opinion - I'd say keep going until you find the package: sex, intimacy and love, it's why you left and what you were seeking. If you give up now, and close yourself off, you risk not finding it.

On the other hand, what do I know...

If it's not the relationship you want, if it's not what feels good to you and if it doesn't feel a heck of a lot easier emotionally than the dysfunctional marriage you left behind then maybe enjoy it for a little while, learn a little and remain open to that something better that's yet to come.

This is where I am right now as well, to a great degree.

I sure hope we are both salvageable. I figure this is "protective mode" and we will get past it, as we always do/did...