Is This Right Or Wrong?

I am finally separated from my wife as of last week. Now here is the twist; it has been several years since I have had any romantic or intimate relationships with a woman. There are a few Ladies at work that I am attracted to, but don't know if I should pursue them, if only for a good conversation or not.
Part of me feels guilty and disloyal to my soon-to-be ex wife. We are still married until the dissolution is through, and I don't want any legal entanglements. I am just so tired of being alone. I have several Ladies I would love to meet, one in GA, one in CO, and two here in OH. My instinct tells me this is not a good idea, but I am so freakin alone I could explode. I am trying to let the big head do the thinking, not the little one. Any advice is as always welcome!
Thanks guys
cvann5 cvann5
51-55, M
8 Responses Jan 10, 2013

I know being alone sucks. I don't think it would hurt to make friends for now, but I wouldn't get into anything serious until the divorce is final. You don't want anything that could be used against you. You may also want to stay away from dating co-workers.

I thought I was going to burst when I left my ex. All the sexual feelings that I had suppressed for FIVE years just flooded out. I was like a cat in heat!

BUT, I did not act on it. (My friends laughed at me, I told them to lock me in the basement and throw out the key). I went through a pretty wild acting out period after my divorce in my late twenties. All I remember is that it was totally exhausting and it did not do anything to move me forward in creating a healthy romantic relationship. And, I wanted more then sex. I wanted REALLY REALLY GOOD SEX. And, I know myself. I only have great sex when it includes emotional connection and deeper intimacy. It is simply not my preference to have casual sex. And, I did not want to put myself in danger of projecting emotion and closeness onto someone simply because we had sex and find myself attached to the wrong partner.

So, I waited around two years after the initial split. I had offers. Cougars seem to be very much in vogue these days, and I was turning down guys in their mid twenties. I had a college professor just gush over me.

I broke my abstinence period a little over a year ago with a man I truly, madly, deeply love. And, we spend lots and lots of hours making up for lost time. I am glad I took some time, and made decisions from a place of honesty with myself. I really liked losing my 'second virginity (I joke that my hymen grew back) to a trusted friend. Maybe it's corny, and I am not trying to be judgmental or uptight, but I think there is something to be said for really knowing and trusting someone on a deeper level before the sex.

I have that need for connection as well. I would prefer that it does not take very long, but you don't get over a 16 year relationship that easily. Patience is a virtue I am learning... Thanks.

Getting out of a shithole marriage is traumatic.
During the trauma period, you ain't thinking at your best. You are far far less likely to make INFORMED choices while your head is recovering from the trauma. (You might recall that it was making UNINFORMED choices that dumped you in the **** in the first place)

But, as ever -
- tread your own path.

As lonely as you are i would instead use this time to work on yourself and healing you. You have been in a dysfunctional relationship for so long that you need to rediscover who you are again.

Rushing in now so early to pursue other options is a fatal mistake in my view. You are still very hurt and not thinking clear. It would also complicate things completley if your wife had a sudden epifany no matter how unlikely and thought she needs to change her ways.

Dont give her the ammo she needs and so desperately desires to turn this on you. Look aftert number 1 for a change.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Try reading 'uncoupling' by dianne vaughan. May help or may not but its worth a try. It gave me some clarity.

Cvann, I strongly encourage you to do as others have said and work on yourself. Leaving is a time of grief and turmoil in your own life. Although you crave the companionship and loving you need, you are not a great option for another woman - AT PRESENT!

I have no doubt you will be an awesonme partner in the future - I think everyone who goes through the crucible of a sexless marriage has a dimension to them that others do not. But consider for now seeing a therapist. Working on some of your own "stuff". Getting a clear head about how you want your future to be.

And do develop your social life. Friends, fun times and enjoyable activities are great healing activities. And who knows? You might meet THE lady that way too!

Don't think about the ex in this process. Think about the women you will end up hurting if you are not ready. I don't hear a lot of concern for your own readiness and how that will end up being for them in the long run. Don't lead anyone to believe you are anything but looking for a quick rebound fling. That's not fair to them.

Good advice. You're right, I hadn't considered that at all. Maybe I need to take some time out for just me and rediscover myself.

Every state/locaiton has its own separation/divorce laws. Make sure you are not LEGALLY in error if you stray during a separation (i.e., make sure you have "no fault divorce"), or it could cost you more in the long term.

Other than that, I have no opinion or advice... it's really a personal issue, when you are ready, you are ready.

Thanks Zsus, I'm torn on this and just want to do the right thing... whatever that is? It's difficult when you been craving intimacy for so long and don't know what to do.