Watching My Words

When can you take someone seriously? I mean it.  I try to be honest, I will not say things to avoid saying something hurtful, or at least something I think will be hurtful.  As I've written, sex is extremely infrequent in the household. Excruciatingly so.  My way of dealing with problems is through humor and as I've said, we've talked and talked about the lack of sex and my wife's lack of desire.  She just doesn't want it, doesn't find it fun, so why bother.  So I joke about it with her.  Little things, tat I thought would convey that I appreciate whatever the current situation is, the possibility of sex for another couple would be present, just not for us.  She says these are hurtful.  Why?  We're not having sex, I've accepted that, she's accepted that, it's agreed it's because she doesn't want it, so why is joking about it hurtful?  I don't put her down in any way (not explicitly) and I'm not being sarcastic when I say things. I'm really just trying to make her smile, and no, these are not the only jokes we have together.  I've tried being "chaste", not making any sexual or innuendo comments, but this fails because even though I tell her I'm trying to not say anything she'll make the comment herself.  Ugh, I'm caught.  Help?


We went away this weekend.  Just us, no kids, not quite two states away, but it was a 2 1/2 hour trip there so it should qualify, but unfortunately we were accompanied by migraines.  No, I do not blame her for them.  She can't do anything about them other than the medication she takes and watching what she eats or drinks.  Much of it seems to be stress related, or really after the stress related.  A stressful week, and she stresses about EVERYTHING, then some time to relax and that's when it hits her.  Usually on Saturdays and other days off.  I didn't complain, did everything I could to make her comfortable and didn't pout.  I was just disappointed that's all.


So this brings me back to how seriously can I take what she says.  She said this weekend I should find someone on the side to have sex with since she can't do it very often.  How do take that?  How do you respond to such a statement? I completely and utterly befuddled.


WantingMore777 WantingMore777
51-55, M
4 Responses Jan 10, 2013

I tend to joke also. It's either that or cry.

I think she's pissed because you're not being honest with yourself or her.

Namely the statement that you've accepted her unilateral declaration of virtual celibacy.

Our emotions tend to betray our real feelings, even if you're keeping up a brave face and justifying why you "joke". It's no joking matter.

And she's done you the honor of being pretty straight with you - to a point. That is to say, what screams out at this is that she will not change. Whether or not the offer that you can outsource is real or not, who knows.

But YOU are the person who knows what they are feeling, and whether outsourcing is really the choice you want.

There are other choices, always other choices.

Within the context of your other stories, you have gotten trapped into "we" thinking, when no actual "we" exists.

Sure, ask her to sign off on the "approval of cheating" offer - (doesn't mean you have to act on it - but you will very quickly find out if she meant it or not !!)

Before that however, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction for advice on how to word it, and while you are there establish how a divorce would shake out for you.

With that information in your pocket you can approach the next phase of this process with a degree of certainty (that you have a viable option available should the process result in the marriage going guts up)

Tread your own path.

"She said this weekend I should find someone on the side to have sex with since she can't do it very often. How do take that?" Follow her advice if you want/need sex...