Once A Year If I Am Lucky

I am not sure what happened but I can only assume. Over the last 3 years it has been once a year before that every 2 months for years. We don't talk about it at all. I did find out he was addicted to teen **** and this has put more of a stain than ever as embarrassment for him. I just feel it is broken and can't or don't know how to get it back.
LauraMilburt LauraMilburt
46-50, F
9 Responses Jan 10, 2013

It seems just crazy that you can have such a good relationship and no sex. Me too. I think in my case our relationship is very easy for my wife to manage without sex. If you add sex it becomes "out of control" and she feels like "I'm driving the car down the interstate at 200 miles per hour with her and the kids scared to death". Add passive aggressive behavior on her part and it is very frustrating.

I have selfishly found this site a great out let for my thoughts. Hope you enjoy this stop on your search for peace. Everyone is supportive and experiencing variations of what you are.

I'll take a shot from another perspective - the guy in a sexless marriage. I don't want to scare you, but it has been about 13 years now. Prior to that, it was certainly not regular and never what I would term "making love". It was more like going through the motions. Looking back, I know there were many times that I was "denied". Whenever, we had sex - I initiated it and came away feeling less than satisfied because the deep personal connection wasn't there. Over the years this led to less and less until...the thirteen year drought.

Four years ago I had an affair - lasted two years. While the sex was mindboggling, and we drew a distinction between sex and making love - one being animal like, the other being very deep and passionate, over time I came to realize what the trigger was. While there was physical attraction, the trigger turned out being "communication". I had found someone I could talk open and honestly with. In part I think this was the most important part of the relationship. If you open up - truly open up to someone, then the connection becomes so strong that the desire to physically share becomes insatiable.

By now you may be wondering - "where is this going" - communication, true communication can't come through **** - online or otherwise. I don't mean communication about sex - communication about life. Many of us tend to bottle things up - we're the only one in the world dealing with X. In reality, we're all struggling to "figure life out". Once two people make that type of connection - the one where I can tell you anything and won't be judged, ridiculed, etc - wonderful things began to happen. Trust, physical contact, passion and what is really one of the most personal and totally exposed acts - making love. If there is judgement in what one partner says to another, there is an implied judgement when you progress to more intimate encounters.

If you can reach a point of truly open communication and compassion with your husband - you'll give him something no website can come close to. That may well lead to where you want to be.

I wish you the best - trust me, it is very easy to explain - much harder to live it. My affair ended when my wife found out, now I'm back in my sexless marriage trying to sort what's next. For me, once I realized that I cannot "talk" with my wife, I know that sex is not even on the radar. But alas, life is complicated.

All the best

I'd be careful about the 'addicted' word. It give him power in this context. It allows him to say "it is an addiciton." Even if it is, it is still a choice. He chooses to direct his sexuality at getting off on ****, regardless of age (assuming we are not talking about kiddie **** here - if that is the case, you have bigger problems). Over the years I've come to the conclusion that **** is not good for sexuality when used more than damn sparingly. When I don't watch it, I like women more. When I watch it, I am a little indifferent. If you've been watching it regularly for awhile it is a little odd when you stop, but it is not all that hard. You just choose to do something else - like have sex with a woman who wants you.

well I left out the most important part... after 15 years he has always been my best friend and the best dad I could ever hope for so as blunt as it is biscuit you are right sexually he is not into me I am instead his friend and coparent it is settling but I can't imagine my daily life without him in it

Co-parents do not necessarily need to live together. For that matter nor do best friends. Nor do they need to live celibate lives.
These things are all choices.

I'll be blunt. He wants to shtoink teenagers, not you.

Fortunately, not every man is like that. You can do better.

every night when I went to bed alone he stayed on the couch with laptop on his lap. I started up counseling and she suggested he was guy, it blew my mind and I had to know so I put a spyware program on "my laptop" that sat on his lap every night. Then I let it do its thing for 3-5 days and went to see what he was looking at. I knew whatever our issue was was in on that computer, instead of guy men I found 18 year old girls. It hurt like mad and get this I did not tell him I knew and continued to watch for 8 months as I felt so awful about spying. He admitted it was going on for 2 years. That is our only computer and I am sure he will not use it for ****. I can bet there are magazines somewhere in this house because he still doesn't go to bed with me. I am very physically fit and am certain it is not me personally but it stil hurts.

not sure why the word gay switched to guy

Setting aside the cause (or "why") of his behaviour, lets simply look at the behaviour.

The behaviour is the with holding of intimate expression from you.

Is that acceptable behaviour in your mind ?
Is that unacceptable behaviour in your mind ?

I am figuring that at this point, it is acceptable behaviour to you. I base that on the fact that you are still there, so at the very least, you are condoning it, and have done so for at least 3 years.

He owns HIS behaviour in this dynamic. YOU own the fact that you have condoned it.

He is unlikely to change his position (it seems to be the 'normal' state of play in your union now).

You might change your position. Who's to know ? That is a matter under your control, and your control alone.

Tread your own path.

Is he still addicted to it? How did you find out? If that is you in your profile picture, he must be into gay ****, b/c you look really pretty from what I can see.

When life is short and should be lived to its potential , this
My friend is absolutely despicable !!!!!!! Why would anyone
Want to get tied in a situation like this?????!! please accept
My condolences and I share in this disbelief !!!!!!!