Be Open To The Possibility

I'm writing my story and posting it in this group, but really it's a cross over story. It should also be in the "my husbands an alcoholic" group as well, but members of MHAA (myself included), are a bit overwhelmed and caught up in the drama of our men.
So, I'm posting here because I respect and admire the information shared here, and living sans sex has been my reality too. Alcohol has made my man bitter, delusional, unemployed, angry, unable to show warmth to those closest to him, unable and unwilling to perform any sexual act, and finally intolerable. He has exhausted any love or compassion I've had for him. It's time for us to go,

I'm about to take a leap of faith. I will be putting my children and me in a situation that I am totally unclear about. I only know, no matter how it ends, we will have each other and we will be free of his wrath, thus free and happy. I hope. I know it won't be easy, but I feel it's worth the risks.

Here's what we're facing: We rent our home, and my man has not been paying rent like he said he has been. We could be homeless. I have no vehicle, which is tolerable. We walk to and from school and were close enough to groceries and such, but we wouldn't even have this as a temporary shelter. I do have a job, but it doesn't pay enough to pay the rent and utilities, plus all the back rent we now owe. I have no savings, so coming up with a deposit for a new place, we can afford, will take time. We're not legally married, we have just co-habitat ed for 12 years and I have no family, Mom or Dad etc., to ask for help. And finally, I have 2 dogs, a chihuahua and a loving, beautiful heart ed pit bull, who would definitely come with the kids and me. They are ours, they are our family. It could be so much more complicated with regard to personal property and money, I understand this. I know there are shelters, and many women have gone to them, but I'm certain they wouldn't take dogs. If you don't have a pet that you love like we love ours, it might be hard to understand why we couldn't just let them go, but we can't. It would be heartbreaking when we're already so fragile. . . I can't do it. Really, I just need him to walk out the door. I could find a roommate and maybe the landlord will work with me. This I must inquire about today.

I'm not a naive person, I know this is going to be one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced. I know he is going to be a complete *******. He is going to make himself out to be a victim and spread his story to everyone we know. He's going to make idle threats about custody and killing himself, but they're just his "my back against the wall" talk. I'm okay with all of this, as long as he just goes. I'm not concerned about how others perceive me, or if our friends will believe his bs. I know there is aid through the state for people who need help, I'm checking on this today too.

I don't expect anyone to come and magically fix this problem I've helped create. I guess I'm just scared. All I want is for my kids and I is to live in peace. I want to explain the world outside our house, not justify or make excuses for the chaos in it. My kids are 10 and 8. They are totally aware of the situation and they're tired too.

I just needed to write to someone, anyone who could maybe understand my fear and apprehension.

I feel compelled to apologize. I know this is off topic, but ultimately life in a sexless marriage, a marriage without mutual love and respect, can end up right here. I always thought I could fix this, or he would see all the unconditional love right in front of him, but I'm exhausted trying. And it's not working. I do care about him. I worry about his future, but I have never had any control over what he does. Maybe this will be his wake up call, or not. It's out of my hands.

I'm open to the possibility of having the life I once dreamed of. Thank you for reading.

rottenrobi rottenrobi
46-50, F
11 Responses Jan 11, 2013

This one is really close to home for me. Coming to EP opened my eyes to those who are in my situation and worse. I'm praying for you and rooting for you and cheering you on. You got this lady!! It's hard and depressing and sad. The only thing worse is dysfunctional stagnation. This is hardly the life we've chosen for ourselves but those kids are old enough to know what you've gone through and seeing you take up for yourself is the greatest example. What a gift!!! Stand firm strong lady.
My dog was my best friend during the whole mess. I walked her litle legs off.

It's hard to express, or even comprehend, the love and gratitude I have for all of you. Your suggestions, and your kind words, are amazing. I'm actually a private person. There are very few people I feel free to talk to, but somehow it's okay here. I never imagined EP would be so important to me, or that I could put my life out on front street like I do here, for anyone to read. I've come close to leaving him before, but my heart was still connected to him, and I still had hope. This time, as nervous as I am, there is an underlying feeling of happiness. I've waited for this emotional detachment for a long time, because I couldn't "jump" without it. I will keep you posted. I will take all your advice into consideration. And I will be forever grateful for the support. This site continually restores my faith in man kind. Thank you!

An older Latvian friend of mine always says, "when you're on the right path, invisible hands will come to guide you". I think this is beautiful and I believe it.

P.S. Thank you for the dog advice too. I know my pit bull is an issue. Such a misunderstood breed. I even swore I would never own one! but a neighbor abandoned her and we took her in. She and I didn't trust one another, we both kept our distance, but time has a way. . . She and I are so close now, almost like, dare I say, sisters. Don't laugh. :) She is my rock and she has such a beautiful heart.

I posted her picture above.

You, my dear, are very strong and very smart. Yes, most of us have so much fear about leaving, but you are way ahead of the curve by doing your homework and taking the necessary steps to make a better life for you and your children. Although the road will be very bumpy, you will make it through with flying colors!

In situations like this, having friends is a great help. You are close to being on the street, so your decisions will need to reflect the need to put your children's welfare above all else. I'm a dog owner, with two large animals. My dogs are very smart, and are like children in almost every way. So I can empathize with your situation. The cold hard reality is that that the pit bull will be difficult to place. Unless you have a friend or relative who can hold him, you may be forced to let him go. This would be a heart wrenching decision, but the alternatives for your family may be worse.

Letting others know about your plight increases the odds that someone will assist you in a time of need. The next time you pick a husband, get one who is resourceful.

I've lost my job an have been forced to sell everything a couple of times in my life. A good friend of mine just lost his, and I'm working to locate something for him. Having a network of friends can make all the difference. Make sure all of your friends are working for you. Don't be afraid to ask them for help.

Another option beyond the city social services are those that organized religion can offer. If you aren't very spiritual, now might be a good time to connect. A local minister might be able to recommend alternative services that a state agency couldn't offer. A dog sitter for the pit bull might be an example. They may also be able to assist with temporary housing while you prepare your down payment for a more permanent place to live.

The road ahead sounds very difficult. I wish you the best of luck as you proceed.

Have faith, prayer and believing. Keep your eyes open for those tiny miracles and opportunities! It's amazing when you pay attention

Hi Robi: You have access to a computer for now, so this can help with resources. Unless you are in a dangerous situation, it's helpful to do some research before you leave, which it sounds like you're doing. If you are in the US, know that each area has a "211" resource that you can access online or via phone. It features a comprehensive listing of local and regional resources. Also, don't forget to seek out some that assist families of alcoholics. Please let us know how you are doing.

Good point. The Al Anon group that hangs off the Alcoholics Anonymous group could be of value.

Good luck! I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

You can save people from others, but you can't save them from themselves.
You have a helluva challenge, but I think with your total kickassedness, you will overcome. Keep us updated, ok?

This is where you almost have to shut out what has become an instinctual response to 'save' your stbx. Whether its an SM or addiction, he must want to effect change. This has not been found to be in evidence and you have been doing the hard yards. One thing I'd add and its important although some might consider it of little significance - keep in mind that alcohol did not make your stbx bitter, delusional, unemployed, angry, unable to show warmth to those closest to him, unable and unwilling to perform any sexual act, and finally intolerable. Its the intersection of his addiction to alcohol and his choices which have actually resulted in this. He does not get a pass on personal responsibility.

A lot of support is jurisdictional dependent.

If you were comfortable in so doing, you might post your general locality here. Maybe, someone in your jurisdiction sees it, and has some knowledge of the subject matter and can help point you in a productive direction.

Tread your own path.
PS - as this unfolds, know this. I have some personal experience where the spouse had addictive issues, and if I can offer you anything let me know. Though I gather from your post and back stories that you already have a really good handle on this.

I agree I would look for some help to put some distance between you and your man. Which might look like an anonymous place to stay for your family away from where you live now, including pets. If you have a church connection, they can direct you and there won't be as much red tape. If not, a large city would have several non-profit or govt sponsored options. There should be a housing division or even a women's shelter through the City. The police might even be a place to start if you have a hard time connecting to the City, they can at least give you suggestions who to talk to.

I am sorry you are in this situation and there is no reason to continue down this destructive path for you and your family. Good hunting and let us know how it goes. You and your kids are worth the effort.

Sending you strength. At least your path seems clear.

There are a list of resources here:

You are aware of shelters, but maybe give them a call and see if you can find temporary foster care for your dogs; or other possibilities. Don't discount any amount of help you can get from anyone at this point.

First visits to lawyer are often free, and may point a path to how to get him out of your house as well. For example, his alcoholism is likely endangering the children's environment to the point where you could get a restraining order or something similar.

I would talk with the shelters, lawyers, police, etc BEFORE going to the landlord, unless you have a really good relationship with said landlord, REALLY good. Landlords are not necessarily there for help; they run a business, and sometimes THEY are living month-to-month and rely on YOUR money too.

I hope it all works out for you, and I think you are on the right path.

Thank you! I think you're right about the landlord. Thank you!

You are so welcome. Let us know how it turns out! My fingers are crossed for you.