He Left 4 Days Ago - The Day Of Reckoning Is Near

Just another trivial argument over one of my husband's many accidents. He never cleans up after them so, I end up dealing with the aftermath.

Since then the Only contact that I have had is from is dentist office asking me to pay for a procedure he needed one morning.

I was sad and relieved at the same time; I realize that the moment of reckoning is growing closer and that I might as well manage it. After I manage the disposal of our property, I will find a car and a smaller home for him. I will leave the state But how does one manage it, when their husband is no where to be found?

There are discussions that need to happen; regarding the children and finances.

I think that he is depressed and mentally unstable; but then again, isn't there something controlling in this? Why can't we just have the discussion? Admit that neither of us is happy but, we need to cooperate for the sake of our children but also, our lives.

I think that he has moved into someone's unoccupied apartment without the owner's consent. It's just that wacky. I keep thinking about how I am going to become embroiled with the creator of Chaos and his latest fiasco.
amithecrazyone amithecrazyone
46-50, F
4 Responses Jan 11, 2013

hope all is working out for you

Thank you, Jake.

"I somehow think that if we separated without calling it "separation" and were able to remain friendly, we could sort through things much more peacefully."

Take your time. But please don't allow this state of "stasis" to become another sticking point. Because, living apart but not separated will still result in YOU being financially responsible for him. Once you are no longer in his daily life as a moderating influence, HE might go right off the rails - neglecting responsibilities, spending too much money, etc. If you are legally separate entities you will NOT have to be responsible if he maxes out a dozen credit cards - or fails to pay rent - or any other possible situation.

If he is sufficiently motivated by anger, he may even do some financially irresponsible things JUST to see you squirm. I don't knowe him so I don't know if he is sufficiently passive aggressive to take it that far - but the possibility exists . . . .

As for the lawyer, you don't have to immediately retain one. But everyone's advice here (to see a lawyer NOW) is absolutely correct. Without knowing how you stand legally, you are moving forward in a fog . . .

That fog might seem comforting and less threatening because it prevents you from coming face to face with stark reality. Bt it IS likely to lead to you colliding with some unknown and unseen DIFFICULTY before much longer . . . .

CONGRATULATIONS on how you are coping! You are polite, rational, respectful AND refusing to let his control antics and "poor poor pitiful me" acts get to you. This is FANTASTIC! Stick with just this attitude.

And your comment "look, you left and that tells me that you understand that we need to be apart. I accept" is perfect! When he starts talking about how badly off he will be, turn it back onto him:
"I hope you don't end up needing the soup kitchen. I feel sure you will be able to move forward in your life and have success." . . . something along these lines.

He is hoping (as you know!) to arouse your sympathy for him, but he needs to see that this tactic no longer works. Remain calm and show him you are confident he can manage his future successfully (even if you are NOT sure of this!).

Something tells me that this separation may well be the making of him - he will HAVE to stand on his own two feet - or SINK. So resist the temptation to "rescue" him - because letting him be responsible for himself is the best gift you could give him.

"He is hoping (as you know!) to arouse your sympathy for him, but he needs to see that this tactic no longer works. "

SEe, here's the thing we're all worried about for you, because some of us have been through it: once their one tactic does not work any longer, they MAY switch to a more ACTIVE form of manipulation.

You mention he is always passive; that may be because it worked. Once it no longer works, you may see a different side.

I know you already said below you will talk with a lawyer - great! - just to hammer it home: know EXACTLY where you stand before he realizes his pity party isn't working any longer and maxes out all the credit cards and removes all the money from the bank account as his next step in self-preservation (or worse).

PS: I agree, don't pay for ANYTHING. You need it for you & your son.

AITCO, I would report your husband to the police as "missing". Likely they will do nothing about it - because, like you, they will think he has gone off to lick his wounds somewhere. But YOU need to protect yourself from any future problems if he does NOT come back in a short time. If you have reported this to the police, you can then have an official record (with a date) of him removing himself from the marriage.

I would also NOT pay for anything further for him. If asked to do so, I suggest you tell the person that he is no longer living with you AND you have no idea where he is, so you are no longer responsible for his debts. This might flush him out of the undergrowth . . . !!

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is hard enough when the other spouse behaves responsibly - so much harder when dealing with a spouse like your's. BTW, your user name should be "I am NOT the crazy one"!!!!

He came back told me that he didn't care about our son and to "Do whatever you want to do, he's yours" translated this means that he will do nothing. Even if he made any promise to me or our children, it will not be kept. Thank you for listening and caring. I am sitting in the bathroom really scared and he's making himself a cup of tea in the kitchen. He's a really a pretty boy and when the going gets tough he's gone.

O.M.G. *hugs* Do you have anyone who can sit with you, family member or friend, and help you through?

I can imagine you HATE that about him. But try to look on it as a gift. I fully understand how HARD that is to do - but in reality, if he stays out of your lives, he will be less trouble than if he actively interferes and wants to counteract you at every stage.

Please don't worry about him spreading the story that you are the "bad guy" - you will be surprised how LITTLE effect that will have - especially on people who know the real you. {{{hugs}}}

i still hope that you documented with an attorney this incident, that the spouse disappeared and has now returned..because at least a record of his behavior is established.

I wish you the best. i have a friend whose spouse routinely did this. it was an awful way to live.

Zsu
I don't have anyone here because a little over a year ago; with a daughter in college and a 5 year old little boy, we had to rent out our home in order to pay the tuition bills. He was going to take another job in another state; but, then he lost that job. But, I managed it;But, I have been managing it for 8 years now and I have become a compulsive worrier obssessed about how I am going to meet bills.
Enna:Thank you for saying that it's a gift because it truly is and I need to remember this when it's darkest. He told me that I can have everything but, then countered that with the comment that he will end up in soup kitchen. He said that I hate him and that he had told our little boy so. So, I told him that I don't hate him but, I resent him. Isn't it a lot easier to be nice when you are never put under any pressure.
Neuilly: He came and left again, after I wouldn't be dragged down into a slug fest.I just told him that "look, you left and that tells me that you understand that we need to be apart. I accept" I have thought about the Lawyer and whether I should separate or divorce for a long, long time. He is never going to fight me. He has spent about half our marriage unemployed so, I have been forced to deal with everything because that is what an adult and a parent has to do when their spouse won't or can't step up. It probably sounds to you like I am in control, I am a mess, have been a mess for a long, long time, filled with fear and longing for companionship at the same time. I feel terribly guilty because I am 49 and I know that I will have to run the next marathon with my son through college all alone. I could have never come as far as I have, if I ever realized the degree to which my husband was weak, had no plan and would fold. BTW, You seem like such a rock and I so admire people who will cope

AMICO, getting solid information from a lawyer as everyone is urging you will put to ease some of your worries - the first visit is often free, and you don't need to tell the EX what you are up to, in fact I'd advise you not to.

"It probably sounds to you like I am in control, I am a mess" - you can do it much better on your own, you will be surprised once he is out of your life how much more you can do. But when I say do you have anyone, I mean, people are generally quite nice, have you tried to make friends nearby? Of course some people are not worth the time, but even if you have a neighbour you can just go over for tea and chat once in awhile, your life will improve. Or pick up the phone and call someone further away and just unburden yourself.

This forum is also great but a little removed in times of crisis.

Zsu: I do have a couple of friends here. But basically, I don't belong here and need to go home. Right now, my priority is finding a place and a job so, I can ground myself. It's not that I am against getting a lawyer, it just that my husband is the passive type and so I pretty much ended up in control of everything---every issue. I am glad the you raised the issue again though. Because you made me realize that I do know who to talk to. when my girlfriend went through a divorce two years ago, I went with her to sign the papers finalizing the divorce. Like me, my girlfriend's lawyer is married to a much younger man. She admitted that age differences eventually create issues in marriages---so, she must know something about my difficulties

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