And Nothing Will Ever Be The Same AgainSurreal-ness overwhelmed me as I paced around the house calmly, yet, frantically, taking anything I might need for the weekend: clothes, shoes, makeup, shampoo, pillow, favorite blanket, pictures of my family, nutri-bullet, spinach, workout clothes , computer, phone, etc. Random things landed in my suitcase. Not sure why I took the spinach – there are stores I could get my green smoothie ingredients on the fly. As I packed I was bawling my eyes out and muttering in gibberish, “I am sorry, I am sorry… I can’t give up on happiness, I am sorry……” Not sure who I was saying that to, my husband who wasn’t there, the dog, the universe, myself. My dog limped behind me, tail down, obviously picking up on my energy. Occasionally he would bark and howl at me. I would stop and sit on the floor with him and just calmly pet him. But I couldn’t stay….. So I kept going.
I wrote him a short note – might seem tacky, but we can’t talk to each other. The man can’t communicate with me and I needed to get out what I needed to get out. I kept it brief. “Our marriage cannot be saved. From this point on we need to start thinking as two individuals. Take the weekend to figure how you want to proceed, hopefully we can move forward amicably. I will be back Monday morning to stay the week and talk and figure things out with you.”
I packed the car, closed the door and realized from this point on, NOTHING will ever be the same again.
The motel I landed at is interesting. I chose it for the name (yes, I believe in signs) and the one review that said, “you wouldn’t think the rooms would be as nice as they are by looking at it on the outside.” I figured, why not - and the price was right (cheap). It’s very dingy on the outside – a small dive-bar in the parking lot, off of two highways. At first I almost left for the nearest Holiday Inn, but I didn’t want some “family friendly” place this weekend with kids trampling down the hallways in wet swimsuits, so I pressed on, hoping that review was not some twisted lie.
When I first opened the door to my room, I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. It DOES smell really clean – and looks clean. And the bathroom is hilarious to me because you would not expect it from what you see on the outside – all brand new, updated, tiles and soaking tub. I laughed hysterically at this for a few minutes. That felt good (to laugh). Then I realized I was right where I needed to be for the weekend.
And that’s where I am now…. Writing this out as if it’s some movie plot, but, alas, it is my life.
What will happen now? A lot of crap, I imagine. I will use this weekend to figure out my next move. He will hopefully use the weekend to think, too. My HOPE is that we can work something out amicably. We will see. But I had to make a real, concrete move that shows him AND me – this is it.
I have been through sheer terror today – stepping out into loneliness – but I feel unbelievably strong. My mom was worried, but after talking to me for a few minutes, she said she could tell I would be just fine. And I will - Whatever happens. From this point on, I am planning MY life. And, I really am. A support system is great – friends are great – leaning on friends is divine, but I know I am not running “to” anything or anyone. I am on my own, free to make MY OWN choices. That’s exciting beyond belief. I am LEAVING what wasn't working anymore.
I know a lot of stuff will hit the fan after this weekend, so I do believe, I will use it to build myself up - nice and strong and focused.
Thanks – just another chapter in my saga.