I Miss What We Had

Hubby is a bit older than I am, and he was always very sexually active and aggressive. I loved it because I love him. Four years ago he was diagnosed with a chronic disease and he was put on beta-blockers to keep his BP down. It was do-able at first, but now, we have no sex. We used to have a hot, passionate relationship and did it any time, anywhere. Now it's become strained because he's on unemployment, I'm finishing school and I'm trying to make enough for us to live decently. To add to it all, was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Additionally, we had a late baby and I put on some weight (Our son is 7). All of our other kids are grown and gone. Heck, we even have grandchildren, and more on the way!

We've gotten to the point that we only have contact when he wants oral. He says that it's different because you don't need to be that hard... right..

Clearly, he doesn't want me any more. I don't get it. Here's a man that used to be insatiable. Our sex life was like it was out of a book. Now I go through packages of batteries a month, but it's just not the same. I've given up. Today was a hard day for me. Once in a while it just builds up and I get so sad and angry and frustrated. I feel like I collapse under the pressure and emotion. I've cried all day. I feel horrible that I feel like this! I feel selfish and I feel like a ***** that I want sex like this. We've gone from hot, heavy and "anything goes" to NOTHING...

Yes, I know that I'm tremendously blessed that he's still around for us. I watch his diet like a hawk and I make him take a wide range of vitamins and herbs. I make sure that he's not stressed and that he takes naps. I don't want our son to grow up like him: his father died when he was 13 and he raised himself on the streets of Chicago "back in the day." That's my deepest fear. I don't want our son to be fatherless...

So, I try to keep hubby healthy and strong and stress-free. Meanwhile, I'm eating myself alive because I desperately miss what we had and I need to be F****D by my husband and can't be. I cry when he's not around or can't hear me. No amount of toys or **** can take the place of the real thing... Not when you only want that person. I hope that makes sense.
longing4him longing4him
46-50, F
3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

" we only have contact when he wants oral. "

Um, he sounds pretty selfish to me, more so than incapacitated.

I'm the EX of a spouse with serious health issues, we have 2 small children. I understand your fears.

However, there ARE spouses who get diagnosed with serious illnesses, lose the ability to have a hard erection, but still understand that their primary role is to continue to ensure their spouses are taken care of! We even had a story on here a few months back to that effect! Because - are his hands, tongue, etc so far gone that he can't ever please you? You have sex toys, why isn't he there being close to you when you bring them out?

Illness can show the strength - or the weakness - of a relationship. If you are doing all the caregiving and getting nothing, you are getting the short end of the stick. you are also showing your child(ren) that it is acceptable to either be the workhorse or the one who does nothing, rather than the give and take necessary in a relationship.

Feel free to read my stories - they start Jan 2012 - you might find some of yourself in them.

Is there any chance that his medication could be changed, or do you think is days as a passionate lover are permanently gone? Have you talked about this with your H? How does he feel? Is he willing to try anything to change his physical capability?

Sounds like you have been unwillingly cast into the role of being a parent to another child really. There is a subtext in your story that you are doing all manner of things for him that a responsible spouse would be doing for themselves.
It reads like the absence of sex is a symptom of an underlying dysfunction in your union.

Not to add to your problems, but this bit leapt out at me - "I don't want our son to be fatherless" - this could be taken different ways.
One way would be that you understandably don't want him to die before his time needlessly.
Another way would be that you want him to provide a role model for your son. Truth be told, it doesn't look like he is providing a terribly good role model.

Difficult choices lie ahead. I wish you clarity so said choices are made on as informed a basis as possible.

Tread your own path.