Interesting Conversation - And Perhaps Damning With Faint Praise

Working on my issues first before dealing with my marriage, but I continue to communicate with my wife. Just in case, I want to make sure that we continue to communicate well.

Anyway, my last session was trying to get a handle on my almost nonexistent self esteem and being stuck in the emotional state of a frustrated, needy, young adult virgin.  Very, very, hard to deal with this and the anger over this that gets displaced and it was a rough session yesterday.  So discussing this with my wife, and again the fact of my inexperience she mentions that I'm a very good lover - not a good seducer, but from her experiences she things I'm great.  But then, how the **** would I know.?

So that bit of my inexperience became the focus of our discussion, and she said she would consider allowing me to experience other women.  Is she playing mind games?  Because if I was so good I would expect that she would want more, to become an active participant in our sex life.  I want that one relationship, not an open marriage.  And, even so she damned well knows that with Aspergers, as she said I'm not a good seducer, and I would expect untold difficulty in even meeting women, not to mention finding that connection that would lead to intimacy.

I don't know.  This is just getting inexplicably weird, but I'm still committed to working on myself before deciding what to do with a nearly sexless marriage.
GTR1400 GTR1400
61-65, M
5 Responses Jan 12, 2013

"Experience other women" --- ah, that rings a bell. I am a firm believer in action without ultimatum. So I never threaten my wife with a separation. However, I have tried to demonstrate to her how my marriage detracts from my emotional health rather than contribute to it. As a trait that matches most refusers, she has never threatened me with separation, and it seems, even if she has done a careful cost-benefit analysis, she does not even wish for a separation. I keep a low profile and am very easy to tolerate, anywhere I go; in fact, I try to make myself more useful to my ambiance than I get out of it, which you might define as maintaining job security. It works well.

Anyway, some years back, my wife did this 10-day marathon meditation camp far from town (no speaking allowed) organized by some Buddhist sect (I think), to "rediscover herself". She went for that right after one of my parents went through a grueling and touch-and-go season of cancer treatment that left me emotionally drained, when I could have used a little company. So presumably she rediscovered herself, and when the camp was over, she made her first phone call to me ("give me my phone call!"), and said she realized she had been terrible to me. While she was away, I read up about this meditation marathon and had some misgivings about the style, but I was really impressed to hear this. Seems like it worked! However, when she was back home, she reaffirmed that we should stay in the marriage. And now that Heavenly Voices told her this, who was godless and worthless I to dispute?

Sorry for rambling, but let's take stock at this point: "I have been terrible to you, but you should stay in the marriage."

Later I figured out the real reason for the marathon. She was contemplating adopting a baby, and wanted to think real hard what she was walking into. I supported her, not because I was anxious for fatherhood (neither do I hate babies) but because that (like sex) is part of the marriage contract.

Another summary: "I have been terrible to you, but you should stay in the marriage and I want to adopt a baby."

Recently, I was emotionally cornered into another discussion where I told her she is skating on thin ice and I have very little at stake. At which point, she told me "I was young and selfish, now I realize that. If this marriage has made you so very unhappy, I will not prevent you if you want to leave."

If we assume she refers to "youth" as including the marathon, then there are many, many interesting implications of that statement. I will not bore you with all of them, except to summarize that either that meditation marathon did not at all work, or it worked ******* unbelievably well.

I advise the OP to be very sharp and clever with various "permissions" given to him by his wife. Good luck.

I think your inexperience is looming large in your mind as a possible explanation for the refusals of your wife. I think that is MOST unlikely to be the case - her refusals have to do with HER issues.

When she tells you that you are a good lover, believe her. She has no reason to lie - in fact, more reasons to say you are terrible!!

I realise it is exceedingly difficult to deal with the rejection and it tends to make us focus on our OWN inadequacies, but in truth it is NOT about your inadequacies, but her's.

If you want to develop the theme of your having an outside relationship, you could consider asking your wife such questions as:
If I did have sex with someone else, how would you feel?
What if I found a great sex partner and fell in love with her?
What if my having sex outside of marriage made you feel inadequate or betrayed?

Her answers could be very illuminating. If she angrily refuses to discuss such matters, she is giving you a CLEAR indication she was not being genuine in her offer.

If she is placid, calm, frank and unemotional in her answers, you may be seeing the demise of your marriage . . . . After all, if she can calmly countnance the thought of you falling for someone else and leaving, she would seem to me to be "on the way out the door" herself . . . .

Is she playing mind games?
That is so weird. Im not sure what game she's playing to be honest.
All I know, if she truly loves you and really wanted to work on the marriage, then she will not be considering allowing you to experience other women whilst you're still together.

<p>"she said she would consider allowing me to experience other women"</p><p>How fvcking noble.</p><p>You're being played. And I think you know that.</p><p>Repeat to yourself: I do not need permission from her any more, the most she deserves is to be told.</p>

Your work on your evolvement as a person no doubt encompasses many many things.

Among these things would be communication skills.

Your marriage does provide an environment (actually a very very challenging environment) for you to practise and hone these skills

If you can develop to a stage where you can communicate even 'reasonably' successfully in such a dysfunctional environment, then, imagine how well you'd go in a "normal" environment.

Meantime, I dunno that I would be taking on board a real lot of what your missus "says".

Talk is cheap.

Tread your own path.