Raise The Level Of Discourse. Please.

so far today i have seen a LOT of angry, biased responses posted as replies to stories.

i have found a lot of it offensive

we are ALL here because we have problems with our spouses.

casting aspersions on one gender or stereotyping and making sweeping generalized statements helps NO ONE.

please don't let your (our) anger affect how you (we) respond to people who are looking for genuine help.

we as a group are better than this.


smithy8015 smithy8015
46-50, F
10 Responses Jan 12, 2013

As the newbie here, I'm still reveling in finding like-minded people. Perhaps some of you can relate to going through life thinking something was very wrong with you. I have been impressed by the sincerity of expression here. People that know me directly would certainly not say I'm passive. But in this forum, among peers that do enjoy physical intimacy, I have appreciated the many expressions of support and understanding. They have all inspired me to - just be me and seek more out of life. Holding a woman and all that may evolve no longer seem out of reach or weird. You guys have given me hope, and well beyond that a renewed excitement!

I am the one who mentioned 'women are emotional creatures compared to men' and guess what, the regulars here jumped down my throat for stereotyping and now, making fun of my comments which is not very nice. But your story has proven my point.

Unfortunately, this is the internet and a public forum and you have to accept the good, the bad and the ugly. We cannot dictate how other people (men or women) conduct themselves on a public forum. The way I see it, everyone is entitled to his / her 'subjective' opinions. You dont have to agree or take on board everything they said. Take the offensive comments with a BIG pinch of salt.

There is a group 'I am a woman in a sexless marriage' with no gender overlap.

You mean there isn't also a group "I am a man in a sexless marriage"? I am sure that would upset a lot of people, men and women.

imtoosexy, i didn't see your comment so guess what...it wasn't about you.

and to imply that i (or any other woman here on ILIASM) am so thin skinned that your particular comment in and of itself is the basis for us women to segregate ourselves away from the "mainstream" ILIASMers, because we are "too emotional" is, yes, extremely offensive.

i will avoid reading your posts so as to avoid your narrow minded, sexist, attitude.

Actually, there IS a group called I Am A Husband In a Sexless Marriage. Please join and rant away :)

:-) thank you fienchanny

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"casting aspersions on one gender or stereotyping and making sweeping generalized statements helps NO ONE. "

...Remember kids, always hate people as unique individuals...;)

ROFL! Makes a lot of sense!!

I suspect you include me as an offender, so I will tone it down, smithy8015. But I dare say I have not been none of combative, confrontational, or angry. I do firmly believe (with 7+ billion humans) that for each dysfunctional couple represented here, there are several others who have about the same quality and quantity of root and the same respective libidos, and yet whose marriages are not nearly falling apart, but possibly quite healthy. I have anecdotal evidence of this. So I was trying to ponder what distinguishes me from other starved men whose starvation does not turn into misery. And the answer I got was, as I said in my story, compassion, a sense of humor, and a total absence of shame or judgment about male and female sexuality (which, I just mentioned in passing, are vastly different), by both partners. If you consider this unfair stereotyping, I am afraid I do not have a solution. Also, the general opinion seems to be my level of discourse is sufficiently high.

ulae, your posts are thought provoking and well worded and thought out. there are things that you say which i don't agree with. but no, not angry combative or confrontational.

my post is to the posters who come in, make a statement like "no real man would...." or "all women do...." or "all men don't...." (etc) basing their generalized statement on their own personal experience and opinion.

extrapolating one or two unique experiences to cover an entire population doesn't serve what people who come here for advice and feedback need. there are many more who read and never post (as witnessed by the number of views vs the number of posts per story).

aside from the fact that i find some of what was said really offended me, it's very unhelpful to those who may be silent readers.

that's all. :)

Exactly Smithy! I don't always agree with people either - but that doesn't make one of right and the other wrong! And provided the poster posts like Ulae (thought provoking and well worded and thought out. . . . not angry combative or confrontational) they have every right to voice their opinion.

In fact it is ONLY through such debate do we begin to recognise our own "truths" - because most of us arrive at ILIASM in a state of bewilderment and with NO idea!!

<p>I don't think whether or not I'm offended by something is a good guide, and in any case, who am I to say. In any case, I'm not offended by much.</p><p>What I am more concerned about - and probably this is your point really? - is whether contributions are cognisant of the poster's situation and are intended to help (if they want help).</p><p>So the posts I would challenge are the ones that are clearly out of rapport with the poster and that are reflecting a position that could not easily map to the poster's needs (though even there, I recall one to Awake that she managed to derive value from).</p><p>I do support the board having a moral tone, by which I mean that the SM is a harmful disaster and so any ex<x>pressions that comes from carelessness, ignorance, moral certainty, prejudice, ideology, or trite truisms - are harmful, and I will speak out to challenge them.</p><p>As you do. Thank you.</p>

Even off-topic comments may be valuable to third parties. As long as they are not plainly kicking up a row, we can be sufficiently thick-skinned. Most of us get excellent practice at this skill at home!

Yes, there are many more readers than there are contributors, which is sometimes forgotten by the OP (who is frequently enmeshed in their own situation and expressing their own prejudice). Harm is spread by unthought-out rules and statements, and the little words.

thanks hl, yes---your last sentence is what i felt yesterday. thank you (as always!!!) for putting that in to words so well.

Agree - but intentional insults and degrading comments designed to deliberately "put down" a person whose views do not coincide with the poster's are also UNACCEPTABLE to me. I know these are not in evidence in the current environment, but they have been thick on the ground in the past. Please let us NOT insult others in order to scare them away from this board.

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Oh Bazzar , i am suprised at your response!
I do think that it is too easy to generalize , or take sides when you have been hurt by the opposite sex.
i haven't looked into it, but i wonder if those in the gay community are as quick to jump/ dump on the sex of the one who has hurt them so deep?
I don't fight for a particular side , i just look at things from a human perspective.
We all speak from our own frame of refence , and if all we know is pain , it's very easy to blame the opposite sex ............i guess.

Happines, I live with this guy!! Believe me - he was being totally sarcastic! He is a person with NO axe to grind regarding gender - and he does have a sense of humour that gets him into trouble some times!!

Dear Enna, i'm glad to here that. I didn't think it sounded like a comment Bazzar would normally make!
My sarcastic side can get me into trouble at times too.
Sorry Bazzar, love you guys.

Ah you chicks are just too emotional. ALL chicks are like that. Look. 6 responders so far, all emotional mind changing chicks.
Get back into the kitchen and leave the real world to us blokes, who are ALL wonderful and know whats best.


funny. thanks for the laugh. :)

*raises hand timidly* "Bazzar, please may I come out of the kitchen - just for a little bit?"


As if I haven't like you enough already, LMAO!!! enna is one lucky lady...

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I haven't noticed the aggression but the "men are like this, women are like that" stuff is really tiresome. Figuring out your own personal problems is a big enough challenge---trying to argue your problems are indicative of some essential truth about humankind is not useful to anyone. It's just too simplistic, not to mention inaccurate, to make sweeping generalizations about gender and sexuality, and personally, I find it offensive in the same way I'd find a generalization about someone based on their religion, ethnicity or skin color.

thanks nyag, i was indeed finding all of the sweeping generalizations this morning offensive.

i find generalizations about anyone/anything offensive. and there was way too much ofit going on today so i stayed away for my own peace of mind.

After a bit of thought on this topic today, I recognize that while we are in dysfunctional SMs, we often "justify" our staying. I truly believe that those who say "women are like this, men are like that" in relation to SM are just trying desperately to hold onto that story in their mind to excuse the behaviour of their spouse and justify why they stay.

I can't say I was much different at the start - I had the story of "well my husband is very ill, obviously I have to give up my life for him, poor thing".... a few weeks on here bust that story wide open. I'm not one who can live based on false premises for long, if the fallacy is made clear. Others are better at self-deception, and who can blame them?

Zsu, I had much the same thought - about the justifying!

I think people like rules, or parameters---black and white ideas of what's good or bad, male or female, etc etc. Hence the popularity of organized religion, which I must admit is completely mystifying to me.

The problem is, the world and life is made up of a million subtle grays as well as the black and whites. It's all a matter of perspective. One man's trash is another man's treasure, yadda yadda. I don't begrudge anyone how they live their life so long as they don't hurt others in the process. So if someone here fixes their SM by re-enacting the 1950's or 1650's or Sesame Street or Star Trek or whatever, then good for them! But please refrain from making sweeping statements about how EVERYONE would thrive in that scenario. Just enjoy your success, explain how you did it, and let others judge for themselves if that method would work for their situations.

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For quite awhile i have noticed a very combative mood here in our group..so I rarely respond any more..and so I am very very selective when it comes to posting any comment.
I don't know why, but previously here in the ILSMG, we were much more respectful and supportive of one another..perhaps there is so much negativity going on in the world, that people are just loosing their composure very easily. They are stressed out.

Good point Smithy. We are (in almost all cases) susceptible to being sarcastic, rude or cutting when someone posts something we don't agree with.

Everyone will respond in their own way but it is helpful to be reminded that courtesy is a quality to be highly valued. Be glad you were not part of this group when it was an "accepted" position that personal abuse and vicious personal attack were somehow acceptable - or even desirable! We are very fortunate that this has disappeared over the last few months.

In the same vein, I am currently seeking to widen the viewpoint and outlook of this group (as a whole) to other "solutions" to sexless marriages. Whilst I am firmly convinced that for almost everyone here the only REAL way forward is going to be though a new start, I still believe it behoves us to consider the potential for a few people to resolve their situations by using methods that don't work for the majority of us.

Looking at these situations with an opern mind cannot hurt any of us - even if it simply convinces us more surely that we are on the right path!!