Young And Sexless

I posted this story last week but I put it in the wrong section. I reposted it here because some people that have replied to my other stories don't really get what I mean when I say I try very hard to please my wife.
I have been with my wife for almost 5 years now. When we first started getting serious in every aspect she told me that she didn't want to have sex for 1 year to ensure that I didn't want her for just sex. I agreed and so we went. Fast forward 5 years and I feel like that year is still not over. We have sex 2-3 times a year (if I'm lucky), but never more than 10 minutes and only in 1 position. As she states, "I'm not your ***** to be doing it whenever you want and however you want." So for 5 years I've lived like this, begging, pleading, doing anything and everything she has asked of me. Giving her everything she asks of me. Yet nothing comes of it. I'm 26 and good looking. I am constantly asked out by the women I work with, but I won't do it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I allow myself to have a good time with another woman that might actually have a sexual interest in me. So I go home, beg for sex, get rejected, and watch some television. Wow, I never thought this would happen to me, especially since I have been nothing but good to a woman that doesn't deserve my love and care.
I am afraid of hurting her and I don't want the feeling of abandoning her. But I have also made my feelings about our relationship over the years very clear. I tell her I need her to fufill my needs, to care for me as a man and the husband she promised to love. I guess it's not important or difficult to deal with when your the one getting everything you ask for from your partner.
It's been 3 months since we were last intimate with each other. And that session only occurred because I finally broke down and told her I was leaving her unless she takes care of my needs. So of course she gave me the 7 minutes of pitty sex and like the beggar that I am I gladly accepted it. Yet I felt at that moment that nothing would change and so far it hasn't.
She always uses the classic excuses, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm not in the mood, can you be more romantic. So I made a plan to make her weekend as easy, stress free, fun, and romantic as possible. On Friday I dropped her off and picked her up from work so she wouldn't have to stress out in traffic. I washed all the bed sheets, did the laundry and cleaned the house (she's a neat freak). After she left work I took us out to a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant, then we went to a nice cafe for coffe and desert, and finally to the theater to see a movie of her choice. After getting home I DIDN'T do anything sexual. I gave her a full body massage, let her take a hot shower, and then we cuddled in bed together (which is usually as good as it gets in bed). On Saturday I took her to breakfast and again dropped her off at work. I should mention, I'm not unemployed, I just took an extended weekend to put my plan into action😐. I then picked her up from work and took her home. I sent her to the salon and paid for her to get a manicure and a pedicure. While she was at the salon I prepared her favorite home cooked meal for dinner. She came home feeling terrific and thanking me for the last few days. Again I didn't attempt anything at that point. After dinner I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and threw out the garbage while she took a hot bath. When she was done, she said "babe can you come up here". I was certain my plan had paid off. I swear I flew up those steps towards the bedroom. At that point I see her standing next to the washer and she very angrily says "why would you leave clothing in the washer, why wouldn't you throw it in the dryer right away?." I froze. Thinking to myself, all this work I did this weekend derailed by clothes in the washer. Needless to say, she told me to put the clothing in the dryer because she was tired and was going to bed. I put the clothing in the dryer in an attempt to salvage my efforts. I then came to bed and attempted to be romantic with her. But of course all my efforts were useless at that point. She was in her impenetrable "no sex tonight" fetal position. So I layed there thinking to myself, this is what is in store for me??? Is this woman worth it anymore?? The only answer I kept seeing was NO.
Knightinbrokenarmor Knightinbrokenarmor
26-30, M
30 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Sounds like she doesn't enjoy sex. Tell her that if she wants a sexless marriage, then you want an open marriage and freedom to see other women.

I hear ya I'm 25 and three kids my husband to always be mad at me for something I did or did not do the sex was the same get kids to bed take clothes off make lovd and goodnight now I took a stand you need to also a man needs it just like women need it do what's right for you hope this helps

I know the feeling I'm so sorry

I've read what you wrote and what at least six other peoplel wrote in response to your post so I thought I'd add my own advice. First, sex isn't the only element in a marriage so if you love her and you know she loves you you can fix the no-sex thing if she is willing to try. My advice: seek counseling to see if your marriage is worth saving. If she won't go, go alone but get some professional advice before you file for divorce. As other writers have said, you are young so if you do divorce you have a lot of opportunity to find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. If you seek advice and your counselor concurs that you should divorce at least you won't feel guilty about it and you will have known that you did everything you could to save the relationship, even if she didn't appear interested in saving it. Keep your options open but do get some counseling.

Dude...hate to say it.. but she is either cheating... or she has major sexual issues that you cannot fix. Don't be like me and stay in a sexless marriage for YEARS and YEARS! I am now 41 and finally filing for divorce and calling it quits... Married when I was 26... I was a doormat for too long... you are still young... Of course I don't know you.. but you need to get out ASAP!! Don't wait! That is my advice..

"Is this woman worth it anymore?? The only answer I kept seeing was NO. " Was she ever worth it? What brought you together in the first place?

omg, i love you, will you marry me? i will give you sex everyday and twice on the weekend if you fancy. damn..... that's where all the good men are! (in a sexless marriage)
Good luck!

"that's where all the good men are! (in a sexless marriage)"

I tend to agree with this....

Your story really hurts my heart because it is all too familiar. It is only until you find someone who will give back to you that you will realize that your needs are valid and important. Get out now before you have children. It's about your life you can't worry about someone elses' feelings especially when they don't care about yours period.

So you love her. What is it about her that you love? How did you fell in love with her? She is been controlling you since your first date and you fell in love with her and you married her? Are you submissive man that needs someone to control him and your natural urges are on the way now or is she the only game in town? This isn’t about her this is about you. She is who she is but you need to sort out what’s going on with you

This sounds harsh but it has a lot of truth. Time to explore "why" you stay with omeone who treats you so poorly. {{{Hugs}}}

Men don't talk to men like this, but ... you poor, poor thing! Please end this misery (by leaving). Even if you are only approximately quoting her, she is not your wife. She is a boss who does not sign your checks, or worse. You will be much happier unmarried and with zero sex for the rest of your life. At least, it won't be slavery.

Bro, by any chance, is your wife a Virgo (24th Aug - 23rd Sept).
I don't wanna generalize but this seems like a classic case.
There's also a possibility she's a lesbian.

So one-twelfth of all women behave this way because of their birthday? Let's see, that still accounts for another 30% with sexual arousal disorders (SAD). What are the other SAD signs to avoid?

Phew!! I can recommend Aquarius! (That's my sign!) I'm guessing ALL Aquarians are sex mad women like me!!!

my stbx is a virgo. he is completely intimacy averse as well as passive aggressive. could be his bday, could just be him.

ulae, can you give me a link to info about the 38% of women with sexual arousal disorders? I would like to read/learn more and thats the first time I've heard that stat.

hate to ruin your theory..but I am a virgo, and not a lesbian, and very sexually interested, so you need to look a little deeper as to why people are the way they are...

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You are far too young to be having this problem.

If what you wrote is entirely true, you have done all you can, to make things better/normal.

Your wife doesn't seem to understand what a partnership is , let alone a marriage.I don't say this lightly, as i know that life can get in the way of a good relationship. It sounds as though your wife never understood what a true , loving relationship was. It is not a business arrangement and certainly not a fairytale, where you move on from your father to a man who simply cares for you for the rest of your life. She doesn't realise what She is missing out on, her sensual, sexual , adult life.
I wish you well, on whatever path you choose to take.

On the presumption you're not exaggerating yourself or how little sex you're getting - WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL THERE?!? You're 26! You should be having sex at LEAST once a week!
It's pretty rare you'd hear this in relation to a man but - you've given that woman possibly the best 5 years of you're life! You're looks and libido are only going to go downhill as you get older, so why are you wasting it on a woman that doesn't appreciate you (particularly if when you're a guy with qualities to appreciate)?!
Truth be told, I'm surprised you haven't already left her.

What you should do is you should stop her in her tracks, tell her if she doesn't change her tune and meet you're needs, then you'll file a divorce or at the very least start seeing other women to meet you're sexual needs.

Yeah man you gotta do some counseling and if that doesn't work LEAVE.

Listen, something is wrong here. She should want a sexual relationship with you because she loves you not for how easy you make her life. She isn't considering your feelings or needs, I think her mind is on something or someone else. I think you should find out what she is up too.

"She should want a sexual relationship with you because she loves you not for how easy you make her life." This should be written in size 72 font at the top of our ILIASM banner. (And it should include "he" in that case too!)

Get out now, before there are kids or any more complications.

You need to leave. what you have is not a marriage. If you do not have kids. Leave NOW!!

Wow and you sound like a good guy too! Now I know what's happened to all the good guys!

Own the fact that you have been and are being played like a piano.
Own the fact that you have, at the very least, been complicit in this dynamic turning into the macabre **** up it is.
Own the fact that it is you and you alone who hold the key to ending this crap.

Conduct yourself accordingly.

Tread your own path.

I am so sorry to hear your story at such a young age. That was horrible of her to get upset over laundry after you had been so nice. You should have gone what some dear friends and I have termed "Hiroshima" on her. Blow up! Yell! Tell her she can put the laundry in the dryer herself. Sometimes you gotta be loud to be heard. <br />
<br />
I don't like to give stay/go advice as only you know all the details of your situation, but I would stop being so giving when all she does is take. And do not have children right now.<br />
<br />
Good luck.

Doormat=unhot imo.

She is tired now? In her 20s and childless... wait untill she is 40 and two kids... she will not move out of bed and sex will stop forever... and you will have to do everything and do it perfect... RUN...RUN...RUN...

Divorce her. A healthy part of marriage is a good sex life, and this is coming from an unmarried 19 year old who seems to know more than your twenty-something wife.
Not only is she unwilling to sleep with you, but she's also deeply unappreciative and ungrateful for all that you do for her.
Get out now, before you waste any more of your 20s with this woman.

I wish I could like this more than once.

haha, thanks! It's true though, this woman is getting everything done for her and giving nothing back in return... Very sly.

AMEN to both of these answers!

Yup. He's like her Cabana Boy. So sad.

He isn't even that much ..a way to be fed and clothed..someone to do her laundry. BUT not even appreciated...sigh..and so young...

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Oh I am soooo sorry! You are way too young..RUN...get out ASAP!!!!!!!! Before it turns to 1 yr..5 yrs...10...and then you have wasted your entire life on her. GO NOW!!!

Oh come now. If he truly loves her, he will stoically wait 20 or more years, because maybe, just maybe, that light bulb moment will go off in her pretty lil' head and she will suddenly want sex with her wonderful, loving, and patient husband. won't.
If he loves her??? If she loved him, she would go to counseling to help the situation. SHE would try to hit a happy medium. Stoically wait?? light bulb will ever happen. I know of which I talk.

And no nothing will help if SHE doesn't accept responsibility and WANT to improve things.

Well I beg to differ! It does work!

Only if SHE takes accountability.

I know. Sarcasm gets lost in translation. ;-)

I know..I am sorry.. NOW..I understand ...

No, no.....I'm sorry. I wish there were some special color we could type in to denote sarcasm.

But I'm totally with you. The OP's situation is very dire, and choices need to be made.

yes..before he has kids as well.

Hell yeah.

MissLess - online you can use the sarcasm tag, like so: /sarcasm

For example: He needs to cater to her every whim to get sex! /sarcasm

It's possible only those with some programming background will get this, but I think it's more in the mainstream now.

I thought about the hash-tag.

9 More Responses

Hmm. It's clear that something happened in her past, and she is probably depressed. I've heard that Wellbutrin increases a person's libido and reading Fifty Shades of Grey can really rev up a woman's sexual appetite. Throw in some BDSM and you should have her begging and purring like a cat in heat.

Too funny.

No double some people will be discombobulated again.

Shucks!! Why didn't I try that stuff??!! lol
Hang on! I DID try it - most of it. . . !!!

i feel sorry for you, i wuold marry you in a minute and make you happy!

Another site you might find helpful is:
Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support Out of the FOG is an information site, support group and message board for people who are in a relationship with an individual who suffers from a personality disorder.

<p>"The only answer I kept seeing was NO." That is because it is the ONLY answer that makes sense in your situation.</p><p>Your wife wants something VERY different from what you want out of your marriage. I suspect she wants the security (financial and social) of being a married woman. She may also want children at some point. But she clearly does not want YOU - the real you. You are only a stepping stone on her path to what she wants.</p><p>The fact that you can turn yourself inside out to make her happy - and she finds the ONE thing you have not done "perfectly" (by her standards!) is a very good sign that this woman is NOT going to be a good partner for anyone - and certainly not for a passionate, generous man who seeks a lovingly intimate relationship.</p><p>Of course you don't want to hurt her! Of course you fear the pain of separation! News Flash!! NONE of us want to hurt others or ourselves.. But the truth of the situation is that your marriage is a sham and your wife is a seriously selfish person with no empathy. I suspect she has an underlying personality disorder or is certainly "on the spectrum". </p><p>Time to get your ducks in order. See a lawyer and see how a divorce will affect you. Plan for moving out. And get OUT of this sham of a marriage as soon as you can. . . . {{{hugs}}}</p>

What enna said. And please do not have children with this woman.

One thought crossed my mind: I have known too many women like her who end up having kids and then divorce their husband. It's like they want to have kids and think marriage is the only way. For these asexual women, only one thing comes to mind for me - ***** donor! Their husbands were nothing more than a ***** donor. And life would have been better for everyone had they simply opened an account at a ***** bank and skipped marriage altogether.

Another thought - You have been blessed by marrying this woman. She doesn't want sex with you. It's hard to have kids without sex(!). You have no kids. You have no reason to stay with her. It is far easier to get out without kids. She has done you a real favor by not getting pregnant. Return the favor and end the marriage amicably! And thank her for not allowing kids to enter this relationship and really make a mess of things. Yes, I'm serious.

-been there, done that
-she's not worth it, move on - and you know this

It doesn't get better! "I am afraid of hurting her and I don't want the feeling of abandoning her". She isn't afraid of hurting you and she has abandoned you.

You are young, have little invested and plenty of time to start over. She is not worth a lifetime lost to misery.