I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar.The last couple of nights have been interesting.
Since STBX chooses not to speak to me, I sent him an email.
After realizing that I have already spent my retainer with my attorney because of emergency issues surrounding my STBX calling the police, setting me up for documentation purposes, baiting me into anger, etc. I told STBX that WE are liable for all of these legal fees, not him, not me, but US.
I told him to stop feeding into his parent's game of trying to bait me, ruin me, make me look bad, encouraging fighting, conflict, discord, etc. I reminded him that whatever this divorce is going to cost, ultimately affects OUR bottom line, not theirs. And I told him if he wanted to play his parent's game, then they will need to ante up to pay OUR legal fees.
As if I really needed to say this to my 40 year old STBX, I did anyway:
THIS IS OUR MARRIAGE, AND DIVORCE, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S BUT OURS.
I told him how hurt I was, how hard it is living with him here day in and out while we go through this process, how hard it is not being able to talk to him out of fear that he is going to try to "capture" me saying or doing something he could use to his advantage. I reminded him that HE and his family chose to make this a battle, not me. Their very immature and disrespectful ways have escalated an already tense and delicately emotional situation.
Night before last, Friday, he decided to take the boys to his parents house for the night. They came back yesterday around 4ish. It was nice to have the house to myself.
Last night, I stood up for myself and realized that I've been avoiding interaction with the boys whenever he's here because it becomes a damn competition. He was trying to eat dinner that I made on the carpet with the boys instead of just sitting at the table. I told him to just sit down and eat and let me play with the boys and stop trying to compete. And he did.
Then, after the boys went to bed, I asked him why he hadn't left yet, since he asked if he could go out. (I reminded him that if he didn't live here anymore, he wouldn't have to ask for 'permission' from mama, so sick...) He said he wasn't sure if he was going anywhere.
That's when I stood up again.
I told him: "I can't move forward or move on while you are here. You are here 24/7 and it is forcing me to not engage with my boys in order for me to avoid conflict. And I need to be engaged with them as much as I want to be. But just your presence here creates hurt, sadness and anger every second. I want you out. I want you to leave tonight and not come back until tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, if I hear about you doing ANYTHING to cheat on me, have an affair, etc. I will make sure you get absolutely NOTHING."
And with that, he left. And texted me later saying he'd be back in the morning to get the boys for church. And I didn't care. I didn't care where he was, what he was doing, who he was with, etc.
I was alone with my boys and dog in my house without my PA competing STBX for the first time in forever. And he didn't even fight me on leaving.
Now, why was that so easy for him to leave? Why hasn't he left before?
Because every time I tell him he needs to leave, he throws it back in my face saying "you should leave. i have every right to be here. this is my house. you are the crazy one, and you should get out, not me."
And last night, I stood my ground as proud tiger mama and said: "No, I will not leave. This house is more mine that it ever has been yours. And these are my babies and I will not leave them. Ever."
And for some reason he heard me. And didn't fight.
And I'm speechless. And proud of myself. :)
(i'm a leo. hence the roar part. :) )