I Have A Feeling Something Big Is Going To Happen...

My sister lectured me again. "Leave the jerk!" she said--over and over. When I told her my options are limited by an emotionally delayed, learning challenged, imature bipolar twelve year old, she said "Oh my kids have their issues...They all do. Just get out of there. Go back to work and your son will just have to learn to do his homework and manage alone until you get home.

People make "should" statements all the time. I heard it from my kid's teachers before I started homeschooling this year.

"Your son should stay on task," his lead teacher would advise me, when I asked her about my severely ADD kid.

"How do I accomplish that? Should I go home and find a cure for ADD, Bipolar Disorder, cognitive and executive deficits...by Monday? Or is Tuesday okay? I may need a day or two to get it right. Then we can call Oslo and get me nominated for the Nobel Prize."

Everybody seems to know how to handle your kid better than you. Even people who don't know what it's like to have a special needs kid.

So--my sis wants me to--1. leave (for where?) 2. file for divorce 3. Find a high paying job after being out of the job market for four years. 5. Earn enough money to pay for a house in a nice neighborhood 6. Stick my kid back in a lousy public school and manage 3 to 4 hours of homework after I get home from work at six or six-thirty with my LD kid. (Nothing gets done on his own. 7. Find a way to also be at home to supervise my kid so that he isn't home alone after school.

I could move out of state where she is. Once and a while she could drive an hour across town to the area where I could afford to live, and help me out. ONCE in a while...

I put all the advice aside.

Decided I can't do everything.

What's the action plan?

1. Launch one money little moneymaker at a time.
2. Organize and get rid of my stuff.
3. Keep looking for opportunities and a way out.

One day while I was walking my dogs, I got a feeling. I pray and talk to God all the time, though I am not what you would call a Bible banger, or a person who is "saved."

I have friends that are "saved." They are great people who do so much for the community. Not everyone who is "saved" is open minded and nice--just like everyone in the world, right?

Some one at a party recently, who is homeschooling for religious reasons--announced to me that SHE was a Christian.
"Me too," I said playing dumb. "My kid and I go to Saint X Church. I teach Sunday School."

I discovered I wasn't a Christian because I don't believe the world is 6000 years old.

I don't care if she thinks that. How does believing that the Grand Canyon was caused by Noah's flood going to make me a better human being?

I suggested diversity of opinion, ethnicity, religious beliefs in our civil society is what makes a country like ours the envy of the world. She looked unconvinced, but agreed to leave it at that.

Why couldn't we just talk about our kids learning disabilities? Why was it so important that I recant on evolution to my kid and talk myself into believing that dinosaurs walked with man in the last six thousand years?

Anyway--while walking my dogs, my secular, not so spiritual self was ranting and alternately apologizing to God for the rants.

Suddenly I got a feeling. Something big and life-changing was going to happen for my kid and me.

Something good.

The thought has been with me and won't leave my brain.

I don't get these feelings often, but they are usually right on the money.

I'll keep working at my not so great action plan, but looking out for whatever it is.

And remember--God may bother with those of us who think evolution is just as big of a miracle as the the whole seven day scenario.

If you talk to God, put in a good word for us. And I will do the same for you.

sterlingrose sterlingrose
46-50, F
13 Responses Jan 13, 2013

I have still have a feeling something is going to go incredibly right...And it doesn't involve my DH getting struck by lightening...At least I don't think so. "Hey, hon--how about a game of golf in the rain?"

It is very hard to take care of a child with learning issues and then if you add an overlay of a psychiatric illness it becomes even more heartbreaking. I hope you can find a community you can talk to. My son has some issues and when he was 11 he asked about Klinefelters Syndrome out of nowhere. Well, it turns out he didn't have KS but I found a fantastic online community that saw me through the hardest times. If you live in a highly Christian community, maybe the best you can dois to try to see the push to having the same beliefs as the natural loving human tendency to want to share what makes them happy? I grew up in the Bible Belt and learned early on to just say I'm Hindu (I look the part) but I also learned to appreciate the true Christian mentality which comes from a place of love. Unfortunately, only about 1 in 20 are truly Christian in that golden rule kind of way. Anyway, 12 is still a hard age. 16 is a little better in terms of understanding but a nightmare in terms of hormonal anger flares (which SHOULD be directed to you if he's hormonally normal) as all teenagers hate the sound of their parents voices (or so my son told me). On my support board it seems the age boys really start to mature is 25. Take a breath and good luck.

He's socially immature in a lot of ways. So for now, he's still mamma's.

I am so irritated by people who know nothing about the situation foisting child-rearing advice onto parents with children with special needs. Mom-bashing is one of the last great bastions of approved incivility. As for the Divine, I'm quite sure Gd is strong enough to handle whatever rants you can throw. If that relationship can't handle it, then which one can?

Well said. Then again, there's you guys here...:-)

Granted your situation is extremely tough, but than again staying and tolerating is enabling his behavour.

Sister Sterling we all have choices in life. Some choices have good outcomes and some choices bring about bad outcomes.

What are the consequences of your choice to stay?

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Bear in mind, there IS a grain of truth in what your sister says.

No-one gets a free ticket out of Dodge. Just about anyone considering dissolving a marriage faces great hurdles. At the time this was appropriate for me, MY hurdles seemed pretty daunting "compared to other people", and I daresay there were other people still who considered THEIR hurdles far more daunting than mine.

Tread your own path.

I hear ya, just like I heard my sister. With a challenged kid, there are walls that are not so steep as with 'neurotyptical" children. There are costs to my leaving that I do not want him to pay (being unsupervised and scared alone for hours on end, living in a cheap apartment in a war zone...). I wish said sister, who is a wonderful mom, and her husband, would invite us into their (huge and wonderful) home for a couple of years while we get on our feet. She is a stay at home mom, and her husband would be a great father figure. But it is too much to expect. That's something parents do--not usually siblings. Oh well. I'm glad you got over your hurdles. I WILL get over mine. Just need to find a way to do it by myself. I help other people, but they aren't always there to go the distance for me. And why would they? They have their own problems.

I am an atheist who was raised Catholic and my religious family and friends drive me nuts. It is how it is and not any one group can claim that all their supporters are either good or bad. There is everything. I love my family and just keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace.

In terms of them telling you what is best and what to do, that is not their place to do that. They are not you and do not know what you are going through. There could be two people on earth with the same exact situations and it will still be different because inside we are all unique. I hope you find the solutions you are looking for.

Your sister seems to be the norm in many of the women that I meet today in my orbit. I hate to say this but they are the types who put on the perfect scenario life for everyone they meet. They think everything is so easy. I have met many women in suburbia who act just like this. They even post on facebook as if life is really that simple. Maybe it is for them but it certainly has not been for me. I even had a former friend (now acquaintance) who told me "you should move in our neighborhood". Um, don't think so since the starting price is 600k and up. I wanted to say "what planet do you live on?" but I kept my mouth shut. Another woman said "our private school is great, check it out". Um, sorry I can't afford private school. I am glad these woman do not have to work and have husbands who worship them but I don't have that life.

Yeah I got that kind of advice alot with my eldest. "She just needs to sleep" was a big one. Ya think??? You mean I've been up for 4 straight years for no other reason than she just "needs to sleep"?? So I hear you.

Keep working on that exit plan. Keep looking at alternate resources.

You really made me laugh with the dinosaur comment! But holy crap, that stuff is scary.

That feeling you are getting I would venture to say comes directly from God. In his goodness he is helping you and at the same time he is most likely trying to get your attention. When those good things happen giving him the glory and in acknowledging you do believe he is the one that helped you, then you are indeed believing in his existence. Therefore you are spiritual to a degree. Your talking to God is spiritual. No one should judge or say anything to you about not being spiritual or a Christian if you don't think just as they do. Judging is God's job. If it were me or if I were giving advice I would suggest looking further into religion maybe visiting some Churches, reading the Bible and talking with good friends who have an ongoing relationship with God. I need to heed my own advice I do not read or study my Bible like I should and have been slipping on attended Church through some hard times I've been going through. Stupid though that is where I definitely should be when facing troubles. I am like you in that I talk to God all the time, praying and asking for guidance. Sometimes The Lord is trying his best to lead us or speak to us and all the while we are ignoring it and shaking it off as just a feeling and not intune to listening for him.

I will say this from a personal experience once you truly believe and accept he is our Lord and Savior and acknowledge and commit to him then life is much more bearable because you will never be alone. It is hard to explain until you have experienced being saved and accepting Christ, but you will always know he is with you and loves you know matter what. I have always felt like God has so richly blessed our lives with 2 healthy, beautiful, smart girls, a home, food, and everything we've needed. When there is a need that arises it seems like we always come out okay and it is attributed to God. Personally I could not imaging going through some of the things I have had to endure without the grace and love of my Lord. If you do ever find a Church home a lot of times you end up making very close life long friends and they will help and support you too.

Keep talking, ranting and apologizing for the rants just don't stop talking to him and try to be intune to where he is leading you. I guarantee you whatever path he leads you to will be better than the path you picked and are trying to do it all on your own. I wish you all the best and hope your situation changes for the positive and you can live a happy blessed life with your son. I hope this doesn't offend you in anyway that's not my intent.

Hi! Thanks for your caring reply. I'm glad you have made a happy life and have a fulfilling spiritual life.

I don't need to visit churches or learn to accept God because I already have that. As I said in the story, I have a church where I'm happy and I am a Sunday School teacher. Actually, the most reliable and always-there-no-matter-what Sunday School teacher. They teach me, though, probably more than I teach them.

My husband announced months ago that he's a witch (yes--you heard that right) and has always fancied himself so. What a liar, when he told me he was a secular, non-church goer all these years.

I'm a live and let live person, so if folks find their relationship with God thru some sort of New Age sprituality--I don't care. But DH is a narcissistic nutter, and he couldn't have a spiritual relationship with anyone but himself.

This isn't where God or my mother every wanted me to be--I'm sure. I wish you well too!

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry I read the story and you said you were not saved and that you "played dumb" and "my secular, not so spiritual self " so I took it that you did not have a relationship with God. I thought you were just saying you went to Church and taught Sunday School to appease the lady who seems to be judging you for what you did and did not believe. I apologize sincerely. I misread and took it wrong.

Also, in my comments above I mentioned I am going through tough or hard times and you mentioned you are glad I have a happy life. I had a very happy life and do feel very blessed, but I have been going through the aftermath of my husbands affair now for 3 years and am struggling everyday to hold my family together. So my life is not so happy now, but I have gotten through it by my faith in God. Had I not had my faith and strength from The Lord I would not have made it. He carried me part of the way through this and there was only 1 set of foot prints in the sand for a long time. I truly do not comprehend how anyone gets through life's struggles without a relationship with God. This is my personal opinion and belief. Everyone has opinions and different beliefs. As a Christian, who is not perfect and is a sinner, I feel at times I should share my faith as a witness to others as God's word teaches.

I will say a prayer for you tonight and I hope the something Good & life changing is coming soon! I truly feel for you and your situation.

Sorry about your troubles. A cheating spouse is a terrible blow. I meant to say a happy and fulfilling spiritual life. I hope He carries you the rest of the way and admire your unwaivering faith. I believe in self-determination, and if it were only me, I'd be outta here already. If my kid was "neurotypical" I'd also have been outta here by now. Finances have kept me pinned down and like most people, I have no one to rescue me. But I do feel something coming. Perhaps one of my enterprises will take off, or the right job opportunity will come my way. I have so many requirements in order to give my kid all the supports he needs.

I hope you navigate it thru your difficult times. Thanks for the prayers--and right bach atcha.

I'm thinking you should invite the Christian friend to go visit the Grand Canyon together and take a hike. It might be an uplifting and enlightening experience.

The rest of the issues are... well, that could take a while.

I'm will have to apologize to the sky for this comment again...I was thinking my DH should go. Maybe he'd fall off a cliff.

Oh, I know many many here have had similar secret wishe-, I mean, thoughts!

Keep us posted, I'll talk to the big One for you tonight. :-)


I hope the Big One isn't too pissed that I flip my hubby the bird nearly every time he leaves the room. I want the jerk to find whatever will make him happy. I just want him to do it away from me and my kid. Thanks for putting in a good word. Right back atcha.

Extricating oneself from any marriage is not usually a simple process.

Children, money issues, housing, and core survival issues all have to be addressed. Leaving in a way that won't leave you in financial ruin and takes the interests of the kids into the equation is a reality that must be faced.

It sounds as if your sister is clueless to the reality of your circumstances, and blanket advice is neither helpful nor empowering. There ARE ways to leave bad marriages, but they can take time.

I know several people who waited until their children were in their late teens to move forward with their divorces. Kids are not a reason to stay in a bad marriage, but their needs and the reality and logistics of a given situation may trump a quick exit.

You sound like you are doing everything you can to find a way to move forward in your own life while dealing with a tough situation. I admire your dedication to your child, and your desire to find workable solutions. They will come. All you can do is stay open to new possibilities, and look to move forward with opportunities as they manifest.

Thank you. You said what I needed to hear from my sister. Yes, she is clueless, but even the people we love can be that way. I know, at least, that she wants me to be happy and wants my kid to be in a better environment. However, that doesn't include getting too deeply involved with us.

That's okay.

Special needs kids are a tough ride. And not everyone wants to stay on the roller coaster.