Childrearing Is Freaking Exhausting...... which is why I needed S.E.X. EVEN MORE after having two of them!!!!
I spent much of last night wide awake, getting angrier and angrier at people making generalizations about how "women just want babies, then they are done with sex". Sure, I understand (or think I do) their need to justify their own situation. But it is HURTFUL, and I will tell you why.
I am a person who had very little sexual relationships before marriage, but what I expected was that once I found the person to marry, I would enjoy a fulfilling love/sex life. When things didn't go quite that way leading up to the wedding, I thought, we're going through a stressful time. Ditto the wedding/honeymoon. Ditto the year following - we worked opposite shifts, after all, etc.
Then we got pregnant, and I thought, hey, the pressures off! We don't have to WORRY about getting pregnant, it's happened, let's make the most of it and have wild sex!!! Make me feel like a woman! Reassure me that you still want me now that my body's changing! Thank me for carrying your baby by worshipping my body!!
ha ha ha. You all know how that turned out.
When HE cut off the sex during pregnancy, and I had to beg after pregnancy, and it was sexless even then, and I started to put my baby's needs last - trying to make sure everything was ok for HIM so WE MIGHT have sex - being EXHUASTED but still CRAVING him to show I was desirable, still CRAVING intimacy, still wanting someone to show me all my hard work was WORTHWHILE, that I was MORE THAN just a uterus to pump out a kid - well you all know my story.
When I started RESENTING MY CHILD because HE GAVE THE CHILD ALL THE ATTENTION HE GAVE ME PRIOR TO PREGNANCY. NEVER AGAIN WILL I LET MYSELF FEEL THAT AWFUL EMOTION OF RESENTMENT OF MY OWN CHILD.
When he abandoned me sexually over the years. When he ONLY started to touch me again when I said let's have another baby - making it CLEAR he ONLY wanted kids with me - starting to sound familiar, ULAE????? Our second was concieved with the help of little blue pills....
I was exhausted a lot. I still am. I still, always, crave a bond, a sexual bond, with the father of my CHILDREN. Instead, he ABANDONED ME and threw all his attention on the children, his friends, ANYONE but me - my need to have pair bonding time, and "me" time, ALWAYS came last.
Now, I am on my own, and now I am mad as hell, and scared sh*tless. Now, if I have another shot at a relationship, not only can I get hurt, but my KIDS - MY KIDS - I HAVE TO PROTECT MY KIDS. There are predators. There are pedophiles, murderers, thieves, drug addicts, psychopaths, sociopaths.
I made such a wrong choice with EX. How can I choose again and risk hurting not just me, but the KIDS?????
Now i am in sexual limbo.
I have to say that last night was a lot more swearing in my head over the issue. I was up from 3:30 am until the kids came in at 7:30am swearing in my head, angry angry angry. I'm really in a mess.
So you see, it's not gender specific. It's what HAPPENs.
You can call me a freak if you like, you can say my issue goes against what you percieve to be "reality", but maybe the truth is that your reality is skewed. And pointing out we are 50/50 here, points to a greater reality.