Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I She Getting It?

I recently despaired that 6 years into our marriage my wife still doesn't get it.

For Xmas this year one present she gave me was a small box with lubricant and "body candy" in it. I was shocked and delighted to open it and thought maybe our sex life would liven up. We had sex once in November and once in early December so I had hoped sex would be more frequent after Xmas and since I had taken some time off over the holidays assumed it would pick up right away, but the first (and only so far) sex we had was January 1st.

Just today she shared this on Facebook.

I again am a little shocked, she has semi-publicly acknowledged we have a problem (she shared it via a message to some recipients not on her wall, she's not that exhibitionist).

Is she getting it I wonder? I shall wait and see how this plays out over the next few weeks and then start making plans one way or the other....
wantingandwaiting wantingandwaiting 36-40, M 7 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Your Response


The question here is are you getting it? She obviosuly avoids sex with you but you seem to always hold out for some hope.

What indication of improvement keeps this hope alive. I think perhaps it is about time you totaaled up the bill for her actions and presented her with the account owing.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am starting to wonder here just "who" doesn't get it.

Tread your own path.

-----"Is she getting it I wonder?"

Why don't you ask her why she posted this on facebook?

Tell her you are very curious about the article.

Step 1 on the onramp is acknowledging, at a personal level, the desire to have an appetite. This is a delicate time - it's when my own wife chose to say "yes" to an opportunity that was available to her and cheat, rather than raise the issue with me, and she had wide latitude to discuss whatever she wanted with me then.

-----"I had hoped sex would be more frequent after Xmas and since I had taken some time off over the holidays assumed it would pick up right away"

I am very curious as to what evidence lead you to believe that after all these years, your taking some time off over the holidays and this particular gift from your wife would leave you to assume that sexual interaction would pick up right away.

Your backstories are one of consistent sexual interaction every few months, but when we do have it is good.

The frequency has not changed one iota, your wanting more has not changed one iota - and you are at the same place you were when you wrote your first post almost 4 years ago.

And you have been around on this blog long enough to know that the most difficult question to answer is this:

Barring any changes from the spouse (which is not something to bank on whatsoever) -

Is this a dealbreaker or not?

I have decided it is a deal breaker. I am not banking on change, but I would be ecstatic for it to happen.

I am also not going to rush into something I am not ready for. For whatever reason I wasn't ready to end it for the last four years. I don't know from the comments on this site why people tend to think others should hurry up and get out when the vast majority of people take years to come to that decision. Maybe because it really does take that long to come to that point.

How long did it take you?

The reason WaW you are getting a lot of frustrated responses is not because "people tend to think others should hurry up and get out", it is because you aren't making any progress in any direction. In 4 years you haven't changed the way you are approaching this. You haven't accepted that this isn't going to happen with your W and chosen to stay anyway. You haven't accepted it and decided to outsource. You haven't seemed to explore your why. It's going to take you a whole lot longer than it takes someone else who spends their time working on change, whether it is change in themselves or change in the way they view the exclusivity of the relationship or change in the way they choose to view their role within the relationship.

Perhaps, but online postings don't give the full context of what directions or lack of direction things have gone.

I do appreciate all the input given so far, I have just noticed from reading others experiences that a lot of members seem to cut and paste the same sentiment on every story.

There are members here who do not ever leave the marriage. They find some other arrangement that meets their needs, such as an open marriage, a swinger lifestyle, having a lover for emotional partner status and keeping the marriage at financial partner status or co-parents. Some develop long term affair relationships that meet their needs. Some are on the journey to uncover why they tolerated abuse, mistreatment and neglect. The point is to make progress on the path (whatever that may be) and to have a path in mind. You don't have to leave but doing nothing different will get you exactly nothing different.

Toof me four years. Then I shifted my marriage to responsible financial partner/roommate status and now I live as I see fit. And that includes a parallel life with a lover and the husband is aware. Disclosure: we are older, retired, no minor children in the house, are each financiallhy independent of each other and have no responsibilities so the circumstances are probably different than the domestic set up in your houshold.

2 More Responses

I think your answer lies in the fact that you have been here for nearly four years and the more things change, the more they stay the same. You aren't doing much to change your situation either. She's not going to just wake up and "get it" one day because you kept repeating the same sentences to her or somehow said it louder, softer or with a different accent. You haven't changed much about you, so why would she change much about her? Your willingness to have a second child and your lack of movement away from the marriage have sent the very clear message that "I may not like that we are not having sex but there won't be any real consequences to your life about it."

there's a couple lines in an usher song;

keep on doing the same old thing
And you expecting change
Well is that really insanity
Or just a loser's game?
I only trust in the things I feel
Some may say that's strange
You better recognize what is real
Cause forever is a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time

fwiw: if you want change?

it begins with *you*

<p>&nbsp;<p> NOTE - comment is wrongly attributed to W's writing - this is not correct. <br />
<br />
Crikey!</p><p>Leaving a kindly veil over the writing style and attempt at humor, and her judgement in revealing this to the world, I'd make the following, not very encouraging remarks over the take-away from this - which I think has a poor prognosis.</p><p>She appears to be lying (to others, and perhaps to herself) by focusing on an episode where you had sex 3 days in a row (is that even true?). From your previous account, it's normally 1-3 months between sex. It's very common for refusers to pretend to the world that theirs is a "normal" sexual relationship. She pays lip-service to the importance of sex (my W did the same).</p><p>She is using pretty nauseating jokey euphemisms for an emergency (lost vagina/*****) - barf.</p><p>She appears to be self-justifying her position on the basis that it's normal with people she knows.</p><p>She claims to want to want. Now while this may be a start, if wishes had horses..... Some refusers may have some good intentions and may want to want - but the success rate of that wish is notoriously small.</p><p>And now - most tellingly and chillingly - this account is one of the most self-absorbed and narcissistic pieces I've had the misfortune to read. You, her husband, are mentioned as a bit-part actor in this, peripheral and unconcerned. Her sole concern appears to be for her own pleasure. And FFS, she's not bothered whether that's through fvcking you or wanking, and most likely it's the latter because sex apparently makes "her" a little unhappy and irritated. She talks about depriving herself - not the fact that you're deprived and unhappy.</p><p>Personally, my feeling is that unless you can write yourself into this story in some way, you have no chance; and I'd be questioning whether I want to be in her story at all.</p><p>PS, while it's principally her call that she's exposing herself on the internet, your link here has associated your username with her as a person, are you OK with that? That includes a fairly simple search to get locations etc... It might be preferrable to provide selected passages from it.</p><p></p>

No, she didn't write the article, it's making the rounds on Facebook. The woman who wrote it is not my wife....

I do not think she WROTE that post hl42. I read it as a pro blogger wrote it, she liked it/agreed with it and shared it in a message to some friends as her pledge for the new year. I found the writing style a bit harsh for my tastes.

Oh, sorry, my bad. Does it represent her views do you think?

I don't know, it's the first time she has shown she is thinking about this long after a "talk" (the last time we talked about it was a few months ago).

It's also the first time she has acknowledged (at least as far as I know) to anyone outside the marriage that our sex life sucks. She has always kind of glossed over it if it came up in social situations or made out like our sex life was great.

Just because she posted this link does not mean she is thinking about it this long after a "talk". She may have seen it and felt guilt. She may have been talking to those girlfriends and they all agreed that their collective sex lives sucked and needed to change. It does not mean it will. It just means she saw something that she liked and posted it. I sent a funny youtube video of a cat the other day to a friend. A few months ago we talked about her cat. It doesn't mean I've been thinking about that cat for several months. You've got a lot of wishful thinking going on that has nothing but wishing to back it up.

2 More Responses