I She Getting It?

I recently despaired that 6 years into our marriage my wife still doesn't get it.

For Xmas this year one present she gave me was a small box with lubricant and "body candy" in it. I was shocked and delighted to open it and thought maybe our sex life would liven up. We had sex once in November and once in early December so I had hoped sex would be more frequent after Xmas and since I had taken some time off over the holidays assumed it would pick up right away, but the first (and only so far) sex we had was January 1st.

Just today she shared this on Facebook. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/i-pledge-to-have-more-sex-this-year-daisy-whittemore/

I again am a little shocked, she has semi-publicly acknowledged we have a problem (she shared it via a message to some recipients not on her wall, she's not that exhibitionist).

Is she getting it I wonder? I shall wait and see how this plays out over the next few weeks and then start making plans one way or the other....
wantingandwaiting wantingandwaiting
36-40, M
5 Responses Jan 14, 2013

The question here is are you getting it? She obviosuly avoids sex with you but you seem to always hold out for some hope.

What indication of improvement keeps this hope alive. I think perhaps it is about time you totaaled up the bill for her actions and presented her with the account owing.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am starting to wonder here just "who" doesn't get it.

Tread your own path.

Step 1 on the onramp is acknowledging, at a personal level, the desire to have an appetite. This is a delicate time - it's when my own wife chose to say "yes" to an opportunity that was available to her and cheat, rather than raise the issue with me, and she had wide latitude to discuss whatever she wanted with me then.

I think your answer lies in the fact that you have been here for nearly four years and the more things change, the more they stay the same. You aren't doing much to change your situation either. She's not going to just wake up and "get it" one day because you kept repeating the same sentences to her or somehow said it louder, softer or with a different accent. You haven't changed much about you, so why would she change much about her? Your willingness to have a second child and your lack of movement away from the marriage have sent the very clear message that "I may not like that we are not having sex but there won't be any real consequences to your life about it."

<p>&nbsp;<p> NOTE - comment is wrongly attributed to W's writing - this is not correct. <br />
<br />
Crikey!</p><p>Leaving a kindly veil over the writing style and attempt at humor, and her judgement in revealing this to the world, I'd make the following, not very encouraging remarks over the take-away from this - which I think has a poor prognosis.</p><p>She appears to be lying (to others, and perhaps to herself) by focusing on an episode where you had sex 3 days in a row (is that even true?). From your previous account, it's normally 1-3 months between sex. It's very common for refusers to pretend to the world that theirs is a "normal" sexual relationship. She pays lip-service to the importance of sex (my W did the same).</p><p>She is using pretty nauseating jokey euphemisms for an emergency (lost vagina/*****) - barf.</p><p>She appears to be self-justifying her position on the basis that it's normal with people she knows.</p><p>She claims to want to want. Now while this may be a start, if wishes had horses..... Some refusers may have some good intentions and may want to want - but the success rate of that wish is notoriously small.</p><p>And now - most tellingly and chillingly - this account is one of the most self-absorbed and narcissistic pieces I've had the misfortune to read. You, her husband, are mentioned as a bit-part actor in this, peripheral and unconcerned. Her sole concern appears to be for her own pleasure. And FFS, she's not bothered whether that's through fvcking you or wanking, and most likely it's the latter because sex apparently makes "her" a little unhappy and irritated. She talks about depriving herself - not the fact that you're deprived and unhappy.</p><p>Personally, my feeling is that unless you can write yourself into this story in some way, you have no chance; and I'd be questioning whether I want to be in her story at all.</p><p>PS, while it's principally her call that she's exposing herself on the internet, your link here has associated your username with her as a person, are you OK with that? That includes a fairly simple search to get locations etc... It might be preferrable to provide selected passages from it.</p><p></p>

No, she didn't write the article, it's making the rounds on Facebook. The woman who wrote it is not my wife....

I do not think she WROTE that post hl42. I read it as a pro blogger wrote it, she liked it/agreed with it and shared it in a message to some friends as her pledge for the new year. I found the writing style a bit harsh for my tastes.

Oh, sorry, my bad. Does it represent her views do you think?

I don't know, it's the first time she has shown she is thinking about this long after a "talk" (the last time we talked about it was a few months ago).

It's also the first time she has acknowledged (at least as far as I know) to anyone outside the marriage that our sex life sucks. She has always kind of glossed over it if it came up in social situations or made out like our sex life was great.

Just because she posted this link does not mean she is thinking about it this long after a "talk". She may have seen it and felt guilt. She may have been talking to those girlfriends and they all agreed that their collective sex lives sucked and needed to change. It does not mean it will. It just means she saw something that she liked and posted it. I sent a funny youtube video of a cat the other day to a friend. A few months ago we talked about her cat. It doesn't mean I've been thinking about that cat for several months. You've got a lot of wishful thinking going on that has nothing but wishing to back it up.

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