Panera Disaster

Today, after coming home from work I decided to treat us all out to a healthy meal since we couldn't figure out what to eat at home. Before going, I checked my account to see how much I had and could afford for everyone. I specifically told my girlfriend that I had $20.24. Then she goes well that's the remainder to buy household stuff and I told her, I can just not put away $25 I put away weekly this one time and just use the $25 that I will get this Wednesday for household instead of me putting it away and then when the following week comes, I would just put $50 away. Doesn't this sound reasonable and clear?

Well, unfortunately, when I mentioned Panera, being that she was the one who introduced me to Panera, should have told me that $20 wasn't feeding three people. So, we're rushing to this place before it closes and we all order our food. When it totaled everything up, it came up to $25.50. So I'm thinking in my head that we had an understanding on my budget, she tells me she didn't bring her money with her. So, we're standing there with the lady at the register wondering what we're going to do. I asked her, so what she wanted to do and she left me to figure out 3 orders. I was trying to get help from her and see what we can figure out together and she just walked away. So there I am looking at the menu thinking in my head what decisions to make for all three of us. Then I saw she was getting mad. Her thing is she's always figuring stuff out and I feel she does but it's not often we figure things out together. I felt like we needed to put our thinking hats together being since the place was closing as we stood there, but she left 3 stomachs in my hands.

So, when I noticed that I was on my own and she was getting irritated, I just said let's go. Then, we're in her car and she's asking me to say where we're going next. I'm not familiar with her world and where things are cause I'm not from here, I'm from another state. So, when I told her that this was her hood, she went off saying I was ******* her off and how I shouldn't say that cause I been here 2 years. My thing is I haven't explored things here on my own to have knowledge on where things are, I only know places here cause she takes me to them. I noticed we were about to get into it so I just said for us to just go home.

I wasn't expecting her to think it all, I wanted her to give me some ideas that way so I know what we were working with. Plus, it was late and I feel she would know what's open at the time we were out more than I would. So, what I really just wanted was for us to use our heads together to figure out the best solution. That was all, she didn't have to make it difficult. What do you guys think?
Aqua8601 Aqua8601
26-30, F
7 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Life skills, sweetie, you're gaining them... Honestly, I'm a bit confused by the whole situation given your age (sorry, not trying to be snide). Do you have a phone with a calculator? Or can you get just a cheapo calculator at the grocery store? Add things up yourself while you're ordering. Look at the next receipt you get and see what sales tax is, add that in.

As for how to eat at Panera for 3 for under $20: you and girlfriend can split a 1/2 sandwich 1/2 salad/soup deal, child can get grilled cheese or a cup of soup, then all order water. You might be able to get some combination of other items that will work, but like others said, Panera can be steep. If healthy eating is the goal, eating at home is your best bet. If you want to treat yourselves to eating out, go for cheap over healthy given your financial situation.

Take some initiative to learn how to figure things out! I haven't read your other stories, so I may certainly be missing some context, but this sounds like something you should have been able to handle on your own, even if that meant changing what you ordered for everyone (it was your treat, after all) once you realized you couldn't afford it. I can understand why your girlfriend would be exasperated. Don't let your dependency on her make you more generally helpless.

I am sorry you ended up in that situation, though! I remember accidentally ending up in a NICE restaurant with a boyfriend when we were 17-18 once. We sat down, opened the menus, saw no prices on anything, and looked at each other like "OH, SH!T." We were mortified. We ordered soup and water, and our very kind waitress brought us some extra bread.

I appreciate your honesty, however, this was on a fly and we both knew how much I had and she totally misunderstood me, two, they were closing as I stood there and three, I had to figure out what they wanted in the process.

But yes you are missing contexts and even if you read my other post there's a lot more I deal with that I don't share on here, way too much to share that if you knew everything, you would certainly be astounded.

I get what you're saying, believe me I do, but she gets irritated almost about everything, so I wasn't shocked that she did and it's not like she makes any situation easy.

Thank you though, I appreciate your response.

It's definitely good to hear different sides to things.

And thank you for your Panera idea, I won't be imposing any ideas on eating out for a while. With us we can't retry things. Once it's screwed the first time she will always throw it in my face about it. She's not the kind of person you make mistakes around. I will keep what you said in mind if we do ever venture out to eat again.

Thank you to those that have responded in such a quick time. I had some time to think about the situation and thought to myself if I wasn't stuck in the environment and time, I could've bought their food and not my own and figured out something to eat at home.

I did apologize to her and we went along awkwardly, but least it wasn't escalated. With people's advice here and my friend's advice, I know what I'll do next time. I would buy theirs instead of mine and move forward. Simple enough I think.

Really, it's not exactly that simple. I've been thinking about your post all day. The situation you are in sounds hopeless: no car, no way to get around, completely dependent on your girlfriend not only for transportation but for moral support and coping skills. Now, it's entirely possible that the current situation is sucking the fiber from your being, that if you were in a different environment you would be much more functional and able to take more control of your own life.

Let me suggest that you start a plan to work on a set of useful life skills. Make a list of what you would like to be able to do, ignoring that you want to be in a partnership with your girlfriend. Make the acquisition of these life skills your job, and approach it like a job. Take each skill and break it down into its component steps so you have small, bite-size objectives to achieve on your way to the individual goals. What do you want to be able to do? And don't say, "have a true partnership with my girlfriend." That is much too nebulous. Be concrete.

Funny you say that cause I was just mentioning this to my therapist today. I was telling her about the issues we're having and how better I would be if I wasn't in this environment. This discussion popped up when she asked me if I wanted to take anti-depressants and we established I wasn't chemically depressed, but more so depressed because of my circumstance. If I was to separate from the environment I would be such a better person overall.

I already did this, I write down in my journal what I would like to do and what I would be able to do if I had a car and my own place. I'm seeking and working on independence, no question about that, it's just definitely taking some time.

In the meantime, I find we deal with daily difficulties like this Panera situation and there are worst situations where she would say lots of choice words to my mistakes and short-comings. I try to deal with them and shrug it off and not let them get to me, but they do hurt. So, when I'm left with a situation I'm getting nervous. So many times so I don't have to deal with the judgements I just do things when she decides them and laugh in my head when I see that she isn't perfect either.

Anyhow, the situation is done, I apologized, got a plan next time and to me it's so much easier that way till I move out.

Plans are good. Meds can be very useful until you can get out from under a poor situation. I hope that your therapist takes this into account and does not dismiss them out of hand. Better living through chemistry, I say.

You took the lead in the situation to deal with the money and the food, and chose the venue. Then you asked her to bail you out. Looking for a change in interpersonal dynamics when everyone is hungry is doomed to failure.

In a world with the internet, much exploration of the environment can be done online. As you are posting here, clearly you have access. I do not accept your helplessness on this point.

The biggest problem I see here is that you had $20.24 to your name and you decided to go out to eat. Who's the third person? A child?

**** off the "we" thinking and adopt some "me" thinking.

In the context of this (and past) stories, this is going no-where.

Tread your own path.

My advice is to man up get your big boy undies on and stop being so afraid of all the things that irritae her.

If she wont help with the problem make a decision feed yourself and the kids and let her starve.

Talk about having a real passive aggresive partner. Wont make a decision than gets really annoyed and picks on the decisions you make.

Time to man up brother Aqua.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Actually, I'm also a female. But I hear what you're saying and thanks for the advice, it still counts, cause any time she gets irritated I just wanna run so far from her, I will admit she scares me lol

It is also funny that you called her passive aggressive, when here I'm the one being called that

Believe me she is passive aggresive believe me i know i live with one

It sounds like you are deflecting blame on her. Communication definitely needs improving. She also was unclear and did not clearly tell you what she wants. Panera's is not mc Donald's it is expensive so you should expect things to be pricey that is not her fault just look at the menu and figure it out first before ordering. Maybe she's sensitive I don't kno, but you need to learn where things are yourself not just for her. That creates a codependency thing, besides you will feel more independent if you do.

I appreciate your input and no I'm not blaming her at all, I'm just trying to get perspective on how this night went and my feelings behind it. We all looked at the menu and we all ordered reasonably. But when it came down to paying it was all left on me to decide. I don't know what her and her son wants, I couldn't have just decided their meals for them. I could have with mine, but not theirs and they just left me hanging.

As far as putting blame on her for finding things on my own, I'm not blaming her. I was saying she knew more than me cause she lived here and I would find things here on my except I don't have a car and she doesn't yet trust me to drive her car on my own. So if there is any travel is when she's going somewhere and I'm with her. And in that process she's introducing me to all these places. Oh trust me I want to explore out here so I can come to her with a place to go.

Our communication is definitely so off it's ridiculous. I don't even know what she hears when I talk. I know for a fact I don't understand her when she talks. And there's always miscommunication between us.

I have been dependent on her ever since I moved here it's crazy, it drives me crazy, but I don't have that luxury to be independent to figure anything out.

Everyone has a luxury to be independent, you have two feet walk. Take a bus, call a cab, ride share with others make friends network ask around. I used to be like you and I believed all my partner told me but it was my fault I didn't get out there and learn the area. I got a job driving around and learned the area I had no car either. Really read what you wrote and accept responsibility for your part don't focus on her focus on you. You will feel better and empowered. And start saving money for a car that is a vital indepence tool. U should have some idea what they like I would of gotten em a grilled cheese for the kid and a Mediterranean for her cheapest way to go