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Love- Given So Sweetly...unrequited...failed...lost: Bye-bye Or Regeneration???


[Giant Swallowtain Butterfly- courtesy of butterfliesandmoths.org]

This article begins with a response to "I Live In A Sexless Marriage"- 'Love' by nyartgal Jan 14, 2013
I agree with NYartgal so much and I am a man!

It is interesting to compare my feelings as a man with yours as a woman. I have found that by not being able to give and express my love to my partner that my own needs have become greater. It is as though I begin to regress into a needy child by restraining the love that I have to give!

It sometimes feels as though something once refined and beautiful becomes crude and empty. Instead of being loving and caring I become withdrawn and irritable. I am afraid to let feelings flow into my body lest I reach out and touch her and stroke her hair or give her a warm hug and once again a failed kiss as she turns away.
It is hard for me to cuddle anymore (but I still do anyway) because I start feeling a deep, sad pain in my chest.

Maybe this is wrong but I have always felt that my own pleasure and happiness has a foundation in being able to give pleasure and share as much happiness as I am able! When love and sharing with each other becomes conditional by one partner then the whole environment seems to degrade into one of unnecessary tension and absence of true feeling in both directions.

I don't know if leaving is really the answer. I am sure there is someone for me as you have found in your current partner who can reciprocate your love and sharing. The world we live in so carelessly is much like the relationships we keep. It is falling apart. I somehow feel there is some kind of economy in trying to heal both the parts of the Earth that we have damaged. So too there must be reason to repair the crumbling love and dreams in a relationship? Where will we go when all the Earth is used up? Where will we find love when it has been spent so that there are none left to join with in hopes of building a new life? Why is it that we think that there is an infinite resource for relationships that have true love? Perhaps we are just as wasteful in our relationships as we are with the Earth's resources?!

Sorry, I don't mean to get so sad and heavy in all of this. Perhaps this is also one reason that I come here to share...only it seems that what wants to get out is like a volcano...

Getting back to where my response to nyartgal's 'Love' began:
What kind of love is a tug-a-war between desire and rejection
where love is unrequited and tenderness shameful?!
The common question in this kind of relationship is: Don't I deserve better?
Yes, I DO!

The next most likely questions are: Should I leave? Have I really tried hard enough?
Maybe neither one of the last two questions should be answered. Really it is always a knee-jerk response to leave. Trying harder often times just makes things worse! Believe me I have been there!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Let me try a metaphor and see where it goes:

I live in a somewhat primitive society in a land with limited means. Mostly what I have to fall back on is the small village nearby and a few rudimentary tools of my own. I am a farmer having my own plot of land to grow food on. My crops have previously been substantial enough to sustain myself and a little extra to trade with other town folk for necessities.

In the most recent year or two the land seems to fail me. I try many things...even bringing in the local Shaman to appeal to the spirits of the land. I try many things even singing and dancing for my failing crops... to no avail! I even try changing my words and tempo in the anticipation my crops would approve.

Then in the time which just precedes the harvest a violent storm comes. Flashes of fire-spears light the dark violent sky followed by bellowing, rumbling growls! I am terrified as there seems to be nowhere to go!

Suddenly a fire-spear crashes into the savannah nearby exploding into the great angry face of a fire god! I run and run until I can run no more....collapsing to the ground near a great boulder.
When I come to all is peaceful. The land has been purified by the rain and the Sun warmly extends its arms.

I return to my home to find it mostly destroyed. The crops that I so cared for have been consumed by the fire-god.

Now.....! What do I do? Do I leave? Where will I go? This is NOT the land of opportunity to take my chances elsewhere on a whim!

I call upon the village Shaman once again. Again he comes and contemplates the land I live on. He focuses on something near the central portion of the plot. He makes a circle about this spot. Then mumbling and murmuring, sometimes a shout proceeds to toss something into the circle from one of his pouches. Abruptly he crumples to the ground and lays perfectly still for the longest time. He gets up...or rather leaps up and walks buoyantly over to me. With a large grin on his face he grabs me by the shoulders giving me a vigorous shaking! Next he excitedly tells me that my land had been cursed. Now the bad spirit that had been hiding there has gone. The land now has been purified of all the life-sucking remnants of the bad spirit by the fire-god that had been awakened by the one of the fire-spears of dark thunder-god.

Now I superimpose this metaphor on my relationship. I know that I do not live in a primitive society in a land of limited means. I cannot help but wonder that what may seem unlimited for me- in reality is not! I can dance and sing and shout to the moon but what really happens to that land inside of me that has not yet been healed? The more I try to give and love in the way that I believe to be right the greater I feel that I have failed. If I leave I may have not had the chance to allow my internal "landscape" become healed and fertile once again.

As I implied earlier in this article it seems more fitting to REGENERATE a love or a incongruous life than to continue on the path of consumption and wastefulness by leaving. If I abandon this land of my present partnership to look for greener pasture over the horizon what impact do I have upon humanity? Upon the Earth?! I put it to you that breaking up relationships one after another takes more away from 'life' and leaves a greater "carbon footprint" than healing the "land" and creating more life!

The day is coming if it hasn't already arrived where there just are not the unlimited choices for relationship. I keep hearing comments like "There just are not many good guys/gals out there anymore!" I believe that every plot of land is not as fertile as another. One thing I do know about gardening is that often that land has nutrients and other vitality that can be unlocked with the right treatment.
natureguy22 natureguy22 56-60, M 6 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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Sticking with an untenable situation because it is something you "believe in" is something to be challenged IMO. Believing that this is somehow tenacious rather than foolish is not in your own best interests. IMO your overly romantic view of life - and the massive indignity you feel when people challenge you - is indicative of someone clinging to an idea in the face of reasonable opposition. You can cover your inability or refusal to change with all sorts of poetic words - but it does not alter the essential underlying situation.

Emperor Penguins walk hundreds of miles over ice to lay their eggs and raise their young. They return to the place that has been their traditional breeding ground. Initially this breeding ground was near the sea - and the choice made sense. With the expansion of ice, it is now hundreds of miles from the sea - and constitutes a dangerous hazardous journey. Naturalists fear that this will eventually lead to the extinction of the breed. I consider this to be an apt metaphor for your situation.

The Anasazi people in the thirteenth century endured for a long time before they finally decided that the wisest choice was to move. Whether this was provoked by climate change, inter-tribal violence or (most likely) a combination of both, they initially hung on for a LONG time hoping for change. They made sacrifices of an ever increasing number and presumably wondered why the Gods, who previously looked upon them with favour, now ignored them. . . ??

You have the benefit of living in a more enlightened society. You can make choices for yourself, based on far more accurate and reliable data than the Anasazi. Your choices are YOURS. You are free to choose for yourself what works for you!

But your last sentence:
"One thing I do know about gardening is that often that land has nutrients and other vitality that can be unlocked with the right treatment " implies that othes here SHOULD follow your example. It suggests that others have somehow failed to use "the right treatment". That is both WRONG and insulting.

By all means march to the beat of your own drum - but do not castigate others because they cannot hear it. After all, it might just be in your own imagination . . . !!!

<p>The other person in your relationship is not a field to be tilled, is not an entity to get the highest yield out of, is not something to be manipulated with the "right treatment", is not something to be owned or leased for your farming purposes, and is not something to be danced upon by your Shaman.</P><br />
<p>The only action you can take is to love the other person and, if they return the love - then so be it.</P><br />
<p>If they choose to NOT be engaged with you, to NOT return your love, then you deal with that reality.</P><br />
<p>Failure to respect their adult choice to NOT love you is disrespectful to both of you.

Have you not understood that we create our own juice, that we are wider than the sky?

You are choosing to inhabit a limited metaphor, and to be bound by that. That's OK, people do all sorts to justify what they are doing, and to avoid the fear of a wider world.

How do you propose to regenerate your love in real life? This is very poetic and high minded - but it would be of more value to hear exactly what you intend to DO to regenerate this love . . . .

And the answer is . . . ???

I love your metaphor of the barren land on which you depend for your sustenance. If you wait as long as you say you did in your metaphor, you'd have died of thirst or starvation. You would have not waited - you' have moved on from the blighted land or stay and die.

The Anasazi come to mind. . . !

Here's one for you.

A giant asteroid is calculated to hit the earth on 22nd Nov 2015. It will wipe out everything.

That would give you 2 and a bit years to either suffer on, or have a crack at something that might be better in whatever time remains. The clock is running, as of now.

Tread your own path.