I Know The Answer ...

I know the answer to my situation. I just don't know what to do about it.  Does that make sense?

It is has become very apparent to me that I am no longer in love with my H.  I am ready to move on and find the kind of love that I want and deserve. I can only hope that it is out there for me.  The thing is, I am concerned about my children.  I know that my daughter will be alright, but my son has difficulty with even the slightest change sometimes, due to his Asperger's, and the last thing that I want to do is inflame an already delicate situation with him.

He, my son, is finally starting to settle down and make things work for himself.  I don't want to rock the boat so bad that he loses his progress ... or worse.  

I sometimes find myself thinking if I could just fall in love with my H again things would be better.  But, I don't really believe that is true.  You can only be hit over the head so many times before you learn to move away from the pain.  Now, I sit here and wonder how to not ruin my son's progress while making life better for myself and helping my daughter learn that it is alright to stand up for yourself in a bad situation.

Anyway, I hadn't written for awhile and I thought I would just give all of you who have been so supportive an update.  I truly believe there is progress.  It is just slow going.
greenpfenig greenpfenig
46-50, F
4 Responses Jan 15, 2013

I know what you meanl i feel that i can't move on until my daughter (shes 13) graduates and get disability gecause i have lupus and fibromyalgia and not a dime to my name. I am stuck rightnno w but i h ave made a plan. I am filling for disability and when i get denied i get a lawyer so they get my doctors to testify that i can't work ful time. Somright now i haveb to pretend and i hate it.

In my deal (and my kids were older so apply appropriate discounts) I had a broader outlook on this issue.

I figured that at some point, I was not going to be there to hand hold the kids (one of whom was a special needs). That could happen by succumbing to some Godawful disease or a momentary slip of concentration out on the roads or in any other interesting methods of deceasement.

So from very early days, I was keen to try and construct an environment where my actual presence was not going to be key to their success as people. This is actually my version of parenting generally (not that I am trying to stuff it down everyones throat as being the "right" way).

I guess what I'm saying is, that at some point, your kids ARE going to be without you. I am suggesting that it is a good idea to start prepping them (which you probably are anyway), as this could come about in all manner of ways. Including by your own choice if you are in a say, shithole marriage that you can no longer tolerate.

Tread your own path.

I am trying to work out a parenting plan and stick to it even while we are still living together (because he refuses to leave, but that is another issue) I am hoping that if my son gets used to always spending the evenings with his dad on certain days and me on others, that we will be able to show him that the actual separation will not change his life very much. If your h is p/a like mine, actually doing this will be harder than it sounds but it's worth a try. Just an idea, hope it helps.

This is a great idea! Thanks I will definitely consider it.

Do you have a specialist who has worked with your son, who could give you advice on how to accomplish the marriage dissolution without disrupting his routine?

My eldest already had a psychologist for other reasons, who was very instructive.

My son is working with a Psychologist. It's just that my son has ramped up to crisis state several times just because of perceived situations. I am afraid what will happen if I give him a real one.

OK, here's my take on it, with a child with anxiety disorder, not Aspergers (as far as I know):

Real life happens. Showing that they can survive crises opens the door to them having more confidence in the next crisis. The fact that I am here to guide them through these crises means they will handle the later ones better... the psychologist helps....

Again, not dealing with Aspergers... but you've been through "crisis state" with perceived situations, perhaps it won't be any worse than that, perhaps even better...

Best of luck

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I do believe in him, just nervous about the situation.


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