Refusing GiftsGifts come in many forms - items, surprise nights out, cards, compliments, empathetic touches, congratulations, opening doors, carrying bags, time to listen.
One gives of themselves to another without a requirement or want to receive something back.
To many sex is a gift, one is giving something of themselves to another and it is exclusive to the marriage. One is giving part of their soul exclusively to another. That's a very big gift.
I have been reading this group for some time now, too long. In this time a common theme I have seen is that many Refusers are unwilling to accept gifts in any form what so ever. Many times it is subtle and the author does not directly refer to it, but it is there. He/she does not like it when I reach out, he/she belittles my compliments, I never seem to buy the right (insert item here). Sex of course is simply not an option.
The joy and satisfaction of giving is taken from us. Even when we get it wrong in the gift / help / compliment department the fact that we even tried is taken from us. The sentiment behind the act of giving is taken from us by a refusal.
In my extensive learning curve when I was still in the 'trying to fix it' phase of my relationship I came across many possible reasons for this - that the Refuser views giving (of anything) as a transactional event, i.e. 'What do you want back for this?' and is unwilling to enter (in their minds) a binding but unspoken reciprocal agreement, another is the Refuser having personality disorders that include a trait of 'I am not worthy of this gift', another is a narcissistic approach 'It is not good enough for ME', I could go on.
At some point we stop. We have no choice. We switch off the 'giving' part of ourselves (to the spouse).
Just throwing it out there, but who on here finds this too?
I am also aware that many refusers on here do not adopt this trait and are more 'Take, take, take, me, me, me' and use refusal of sex and intimacy as punishment or as manipulative tools.
Endthegame 41-45, M 12 Responses 4 Jan 15, 2013