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Fractured Part Of A Whole

I am committed to my marriage. I meant my vows. I am loyal to a fault. I don’t want to mess this up, or make it worse. But, I can’t go another year without sex… without intimate touch.
I won’t.
I want a woman to desire me. To want to touch me; to want me to touch her. That is far more important than the act itself – the desire.
Ahh that would be so sweet, so amazing.
Let alone passion. Which now seems like a distant dream I can barely remember.
My perspective is all jacked up now, a fractured mess.
My stability is gone. I am committed to my marriage. I meant my vows. I have been loyal to a fault. I don’t want to mess this up, or make it worse. But, I can’t go another year without sex… without intimate touch.
I won’t.
I want a woman to desire me... to want to touch me; to want me to touch her. That is far more important than the act itself – the desire.
Ahh that would be so sweet, so amazing.
Let alone passion. Which now seems like a distant dream I can barely remember.
My perspective is all jacked up now, a fractured mess.
My stability is gone.
deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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I can understand how you feel. I really can. I am going through the same thing. My husband and I have been married for four and a half years and I feel like he puts more things ahead of me and like I am not as big of a part of his life like I should be. We sleep in separate rooms ans he has started talking to ex girlfriends like it is no big deal. We do not have kids yet but I want a kid and both sides of the family are putting pressure on us. What I think you need to do is start doing is if she does not want to be with you is to start doing what is best for you. You have feelings and needs to. You should be with someone who loves you for you and wants to care for you and your needs and can take care of your intimacy. If she cannot be with you and care for you than it is ok if you have to let her go in the end.

because you are so frightened about messing it up even more, are you also too frightened to express yourself honestly to her. I mean REALLY honestly, that is also part of marriage.

Oh hi Clive, fair enough, it is so hard to offer decent advice when you are not "involved" isnt it, I have lost nearly all my sex drive, I have five children (which is great, and I love them but they are very hard work) my partner works very hard to provide for us, we have very little time for any "romance, sexy time build up" for a long while I was all "well if there is no time to get me in the mood then why should I" while this isnt something I would necessarily reccomend for other women, it has worked for me, I offer sex to my partner regardless of weather I feel like it or not, often I dont even care that I am not getting off (waa waa) simply because I do feel better after, my man has different needs to me and some times giving even if you dont feel like it helps. Im not saying I never get off, but hey when the kids get a bit older and we have a bit more us time then I will focus more on me. If you are making an effort and she is not then maybe you just need to cut your losses.

I have been on the other side of this and I am divorced partly because my husband wanted sex and I was no longer turned on by him. Mainly because whenever I told him what I wanted in bed, he ignored me. it became him rolling me over and satisfying himself and me left felling very bitter. Eventually I stopped letting him do this to me. I am now in a relationship-over 3 yrs- and my bf does not want sex at all. I am so hurt and humiliated by this that I know i can't stay in the relationship but don't know how to move on. Of course there are other issues, but this breaks my heart, for you and for me. Try having a long talk with your wife, and make sure she is getting what she wants in bed. Or go to marriage counseling. If you are both still in love, you can work it out. Good Luck!!

tell me about it! have u tought of getting a break, and see what happens, see if u miss her and if she miss u! if it doesnt maybe ya can take thhe next step

My husband is the one who lost interest, but he also states that Divorce is not an option.
If there is no way to fix this, he is not as unhappy as I am. If he cared, he would see my pain, my withdrawal but I do not feel that important to him anymore.

Hey, in my country any one party can decide to divorce, if it's the same in your country, what on earth is holding you back?

My vows and my children are holding me back....and I still love him with all my heart. He is a good man, he is just not interested in me as a woman.

Definition of "good man" does NOT include holding you captive in an untenable marriage. Definition of "good man" does NOT include ignoring YOUR pain and unhappiness.

We have both been through so much with health issues. We have always been best friends along with being lovers. It has been 2 years since I got back on my feet then he starting feeling depressed then going to church to find his purpose. I am still hoping this will pass.

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Your vows --- the straw a drowning man is clutching in the hope it will keep him afloat.

You've been working hard for 3+ years, you say. She has admitted to doing what she's been doing and apologized you say. What you do not say is that she has in any way amended her behaviour and made an effort to lavish affection on you and connect intimately to you.
Make your peace with not getting any, ever again, or move in a different direction from the one you've been taking. She's made her desires plain and clear I dare say - respect the message, listen to her actions as well as her words "I am just not interested" - the same words incidentally that I got verbatim from my wife.

You will no more get engagement and desire from a person who is not interested than you will get an elephant in a tutu to dance swan lake for you.

That last sentence makes me love you

One of the things that helped me with this was to ask myself a simple question:

"Would I have agreed to this arrangement in a million years if you'd told me that was going to be the outcome beforehand?"

Resounding answer (for me): NO!!!!!! CON JOB!!!!!

This is not the post-hoc get-out-of-jail excuse, because, for example, if W had got sick, then I'd still have agreed to the contract.

The way I see these vows now (where there is an apparently iron-clad requirement on fidelity) is that they are in the realms of unfair contract terms because one of the parties can game the system, cherry pick the parts that suit them, and simultaneously assert their own autonomy and constrain yours. This is plainly harmful and morally indefensible.

And if this is a religious commitment, you'll find that all the main religions are quite clear on the duty to be sexual with your spouse, that is part of the marital deal. And pretty much all the main religions allow for people to separate & divorce, especially when one of them is coming to harm.

As you are.

Thank you to all that responded to 4Clive's desire for Intimacy . Being in the same boat, I totally understand where he is coming from.
Reading posts from people giving various points of view has helped me greatly. And that’s before I really open up about my marriage.

So thank you everyone.
Like Clive, I can’t wait another few months without intimacy and a sexual relationship.

Good luck Clive.

what a great poetry and I know the thirst and desire for someone who is longing for passionate and ever burning love to express how you feel but since you are abstain for having sex for at least a year wow that must be very long and so long drought or dry spell and I think you can find ways how to satisfy your sexual needs without having able to be unfaithful to your partner. Have a meaningful and worthwhile activities together if you can to foster the bond and get to know each other better. This way you can filled up what you lack in sex and passionate love making.

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices which then feed back into the dysfunctional loop.

It is in the refusive spouses interests to keep you in this state, so expect no help from her to sort your head out - she has a vested interest in your thinking staying just as ****** as it is.

If anything is to be done here, take her out of the picture as being of any assistance at all.

This situations resolvement is going to be down to you and no-one else. No "we" in this dynamic.

To move this off top dead centre you are going to have to fearlessly and brutally challenge that 'vows' position you have adopted. That'll be very difficult, but you are going nowhere until you do.

Tread your own path.

baz, to piggy back on your thought (which i like) and perhaps flip it on its ear a bit:

clive: you are fixed on your view of the vows you (both) took.

have you closely examined how many ways your wife has outright broken those vows?

e.g.: has she honored you? has she cherished you? has she loved you?

think on those carefully. very carefully.

if you are completely honest with your assessment: the answers ought to be a resounding "no."

and so you are in the conundrum of being fixated on your own vows, loyalty, fidelity, loving honoring & cherishing someone who is and has repeatedly broken those same vows.

are you ready to look at this and then DO something about it?

jmho, fwiw.

The 'vows' position is - if you look at it objectively - very easily dismantled and shown to be a perfidious position (as your addition shows Sister Smithy).

Unfortunately, that is the exact reason most people espousing the 'vows' position DON'T WANT TO CHALLENGE it. As long as you hold the 'vows' position as a dogma, you can claim victim status, moral high ground, and more specifically, an excuse to do nothing.

It's not reasonable to expect you to stay in guaranteed unhappiness to make someone else happy.<br />
It's not....If she does not desire you, the best you can achieve is "duty sex." <br />
I got duty sex, and uuugh...no. <br />
We sexual people need to be sexual, or we're just miserable.<br />
Below you said you'd given her 4 years...that's too long. It's really not fixable; I suggest you get out.

The fact is many people in a sexless marriage remain in just the limbo you are in. They do not leave and they do not experience a rekindling of intimacy with their spouse. The time is spent reliving the variations of the groundhog day scenario you are going through. The years are spent in a funk, with reviewing the issue from all angles, distraction, easter egg hunts for the 'whys' and so forth. After a time, enough years have passed when ailments, old age and the idea of being comfortable can be used as sound reasons to stay. When you have to work so hard to pile up reasons and excuses on a daily basis to stay against one compulsion to leave, you are way past done.

Groundhog Day scenario... So true lol

And every day you think something new will happen, or something seems to change, then you wake up to the same old $hit!

Much truth to this; while I am not in a sexless marriage, I find myself in a "metered " sexual marriage. Sex only when its convenient or urgent on her side. And meanwhile the clock is ticking with age. Often makes me wonder about my fathers advice- " if a woman can no longer be tender with you anywhere, and especially in the bedroom she has turned off to you and you have simply become a tool to enhance her life. In other words, your non refundable lifetime is being used up without any fulfillment for yourself....???

"Metered sex" --- nice, gotta file that away somewhere. Watching that inverted IV bottle of love going drip ... drip ... drip ... is enough to make anyone crazy.

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She broke her vowels a long time ago, so why you are still hung up on honering your side of the contract is baffling.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

When I married my husband he had full faith I would take care of him. That I would fulfill his needs he trusted me to do that. I take my vows and marriage very seriously also. After reevaluating my life, and what I had been doing to our relationship I realized I failed my husband by not fulfilling his most important, his number one need, sexual fulfillment. He was starving for attention and had an affair 3 yrs ago, but I honestly think my failure to meet his needs is just as severe as the affair and our sins to me are the same as far as God sees it. God knows I failed my husband and what my husband went through and dealt with regarding our intimate relationship. Our relations were a lot more frequent than many on this site and I really do not understand going that long like mos or years and not feel guilt, the refuser. Plus the fact the longer you go without the more awkward and and uncomfortable it would be. It just makes it harder and harder.

I say all of this to point out she also said those vows and part of that was to love and cherish you. We loose sight sometimes in life of our priorities and take each other for granted. Does she take her vows seriously or does she take the Bible seriously? God expects husbands and wives to take care of one another and put your spouse's needs ahead of your own. All my husband wanted was me, me alone for years and just to love him in the way he needed and desired.

I have written on this site as a refuser I don't know if you have read my stories or not and I'm not sure any of it would help in your situation, you never know though. Best Wishes

This time a year ago, you were also hung up on your vows. Vows which most likely came from an era when both parties to the vows understood responsibility a bit better, and were less concerned with extremist personal autonomy.

In the year between, that has apparently only lead to you becoming a fractured mess.

When you're desperate as you're becoming - anything can happen - including discovering yourself again. Now that could be a very good thing to happen, yes?

You can't mend this alone - how does she feel?? If she doesn't care, you don't have a marriage. x

Would you consider telling her calmly, confidently?

She has actually served you her response already....you just aren't reacting because it isn't the serve you were looking for. Funny thing about competitive sports, rarely do you get the pitch or the serve you want.

"I have put the decision in her court."
-------
I suspect that you will BEGIN to get traction when you put the decision in your own court.

Check the adultery laws in your jurisdiction to ensure that they have no bearing on a divorce.

Resolve to place an ad or attend an open relationship event where you can meet some people who are open to this. Meet people, and go on a date. Let your wife know when it is. Then brace yourself for anything.

Your wife's choices are:
1. Open relationship vs divorce vs take this seriously and put a real plan in place.
2. How involved does she want to be in the relationship - how much to know, and how much does she want to be involved with your partner.

That has a way of drawing things into sharp focus.

In fact, if you want to do a trial run and see what happens if she "doesn't want to know anything" (this isn't viable, by the way, to keep it on the down low - it's very difficult), then just go out on a Friday to a coffee shop or some place where you can have an alibi that can be proven to her in a fight. Then you'll get to see what her reaction is, without actually having done anything.

But I don't recommend doing that more than once.
It doesn't hurt to start having a night out on your own every week or two. Let her interest guide her in what you are doing.

and be prepared for her to ask for the same.

I suspect your wife knows that you meant your vows (and that you would never leave) Perhaps, she's relying on? You didn't leave yesterday, last month or last year, so you will probably be there tomorrow. Please know that I understand your pain, I have felt it too. This is what I have learned from my circumstance:
There are underlying issues to my sexless marriage
I am enabling my Husband, he doesn't want change..., it's up to me. There will be no realization on his part, no change
Inside, I am dying a long, slow death; I am the walking wounded.
I have to leave and need to put things in order, even though I can barely put one foot in front of the other, given the emotional strain.
Someday, I hope to emerge from this with the possibility of recreating a happier life; my life is my responsibility. I will be sorry, if my husband doesn't see that his life is his responsibility but, if he does not--there is nothing further I can do about that

"I am committed to my marriage. I meant my vows. I have been loyal to a fault. I don’t want to mess this up, or make it worse. " Obviously your wife is not that serious about her vows... Maybe it is the time to question yours?