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Unexpected The Expected (updated)

So this weekend me and the wife had "an amazing weekend" (her words, not mine). Again I took her out for a day of different activities; brunch(she calls it that, I call it late breakfast), boat cruise in the ocean, fancy dinner downtown. Some of you that have read my other stories may be calling me a chump for continuing to do these nice things for my terrible wife. But I am and always will be a hopeless romantic that has always done these things for the woman in my life. So please don't judge me to harshly.

After our day was over and we were at home she kept saying what a great day she had with me and that she was so happy we did those things. Then something unexpected happened. She came over to me on the couch and said "you have been looking really good lately". She then undressed and asked me to please her orally. Yes, I am one of those guys that is incredible at pleasing a woman orally (her words, not mine) and I really enjoy doing it. I gladly took the opportunity in the hopes of "starting her engine". Fast forward about 20 minutes and a few ******* and she asks me to stop.

Then the expected happened. At that point I begin to take my pants off thinking its my turn to get some attention. When she saw what I was doing she got off the couch and said "I'm going to take a shower because the golden globes are on". I stared at her in awe as she collected her clothing of the floor and went upstairs to take a shower. I began to loose my temper and I told her to give me some sexual satisfaction. She then said "we will have sex later, I just want to watch the award show. Can we cuddle for now?".

I laid in bed steaming, it took all my strength not to say or do something I was going to regret. I then said the most futile sentence in my relationship. "Will you give me oral sex at least?". In the 7 years of our relationship she has NEVER given me oral sex, not one single time. She has never even tried. She says that it's degrading to women to do that, it's disgusting, it will make her throw up instantly, etc. Yet, she has no problem when I do it for her.

So at the end of the night I found her asleep. I tried to get her attention in an attempt to maybe get some sexual satisfaction. Needless to say it was useless. She went into her "sexual lockdown" fetal position and fell asleep.

I then laid in bed and cried for a few minutes. Update: This is in response to all of you who have commented on this post. Yes, you are all correct that I have allowed myself to become a doormat. But I must give a little background as to why I am afraid of being forceful with her. After we were married and during our first sex drought I lost my patience for her excuses. One night we were at home and she came to lay by me. She began being playful. I went with it and began reciprocating the attention. After a while she suddenly began acting hard to get and slapping my hands away. I thought she was playing around so I kept going. She then began to pushing and kicking me. I got off the bed truly surprised at this turn of events. She then started crying and began putting her clothes back on. I asked her what happened and she said "were you trying to rape me". I stood there in absolute shock. RAPE???? I asked. You started this with me. She said yes I did. But I wanted you to stop and you kept going. I assume that's why she was initially slapping my hands away. After getting dressed she grabbed her coat and spent the night at her parents house. I was terrified. I work in law enforcement and ANY charge of domestic violence or abuse is grounds for immediate termination. I was certain my marriage and career were over. I spent the better part of the night messaging her apologies. After that evening I have found it incredibly difficult to be forceful with her when it comes to taking what is rightfully mine. She has no history of sexual abuse, so where this sexual disconnect comes from I have no idea.
Knightinbrokenarmor Knightinbrokenarmor 26-30, M 23 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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"After that evening I have found it incredibly difficult to be forceful with her"

NO-ONE is saying to FORCE HER to do anything sexual!!!

You are a doormat in that you are not VOCALIZING your pain, and providing CONSEQUENCES - consequences such as SEPARATION and DIVORCE, not RAPE.

BTW, she has shown you that you are not safe with HER - your job will always be on the line so long as your sexuality is tied to hers. She is an expert blackmailer.

What on earth are you staying for?

Please read up on emotional abuse, passive-aggressive behaviour, narcissism, personality disorders, etc...

The definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for different results." (Albert Einstein)

Personally I think this woman has more issues than she had ever shared with you. If she doesnt, she is one major sopiled brat princess.

No force is required to stop doing all the nice things she doesn't appreciate. No phyxical force is required for you to say you will no longer satisfy her in ANY way without her meeting your needs also. Tell her you will no longer be a doormat, and unless she initiates and follows through, you will not touch her at all.

Below you claim that you are a sucker, not a martyr. Did you actually look at the avatar you have chosen?

Yes. It's to signify that I have been stabbed in the back by fighting for something I thought was worth the effort.

I believe that the knights who went into the crusades knew their chances of return were slim, although believing their cause was just. This image you have chosen, then, is more apt than you imagine.

(After your update)
She is good, very good indeed.
The way she played that one out was far more subtle, like a violin, rather than the piano she usually plays you like..

Mate, the hole here is being dug deeper. And it is you who is doing the digging.

Tread your own path.

Do you honestly believe that your wife is a lesbian? If not, why the surprise that morphing yourself into an ideal wife hasn't increased her desire?

Stop believing the fairytale that society is dishing out to young people. The scientifically measurable truth is that female sexuality is repulsed by submissive males - it's hardwired into their endocrine system. You're actively short-circuiting her response and then whining about the result of your own actions.

Romance is wonderful coming from someone you want to be with. She doesn't want to be with you so it's just dissonance. Keep doing more for her and she'll eventually find a man who understands feminine reactive response. He may end up being be a cad, but in her mind at least she'll "feel like a woman" again.

Yes, it's you that has the more pressing problem. There are not thousands of women "out there" just waiting for a nice guy to wipe their feet on or friend-zone. But there are excellent websites that would help you in understanding the futility of your personal dynamic. I suggest starting with MMSL and NMMNG.

See, I LIKE this post on male traits and femine needs. Unlike a certain offensive forum thread that directs people to the same site, this one is talking directly about his wife and while if generalizes it is not offensive. Thank you poco for proving its not the message but the messenger that was problematic for me in the forum over the last few days.

But I am *and always will be* a hopeless romantic that has always done these things for the woman in my life.
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Is this woman in your life?

Suppose you participated in a charity auction, with yourself and those activities as the prize. A random woman "buys" you, and goes out with you for the same dinner, the same cruise.

Do you suppose the both of you would have a better time? Do you suppose you'd have more consideration?

In The Bad Old Days, when my wife pulled the same stunt after I pulled out all the stops and objections like that, I changed bedrooms, took off my ring, and started making plans for financial separation and child arrangements. I found that our mutual attention became better focused when the consequence became real.

Your wife has given you insight into the thought process she's applying. She's not even particularly covert about it, which makes me think it's actually a point of pride with her, perhaps ideologically driven, which really gives you a sense of scale of the issue. It's not simple neglect or carelessness; it's actually a deliberate program, tied with her sense of belief of who she is and gender roles in sexuality, or at least with respect to her marriage to you. To even make a dent, you'd have to uncouple her from the ideology first.

What's interesting is, if you google up "infidelity forum" - a place where I spent some quality time a few years ago to get some support, you will find that many such women will end up doing shockingly lewd acts with their lovers, while maintaining this stance with their husbands.

If you are like I was, you are likely thinking that your focus on romance and denial will end with the universe rewarding you with your wife waking up and realizing your steadfast devotion, because it's so obvious to you. But what's more likely is that it will end when you discover her affair, which is happening now, or is poised to happen later, when the opportunity meets with her desire. And then you will feel as I did, like a fool.

In asking for oral from you, while telling you that the same act debases her, it says that she is ok with debasing you and enjoying the spoils.

There are folks who do that for kinks and who make it work for them, but they do it with intentionality on both ends, and choice, and it ends up becoming an act of "role-play" - a deliberate stance where both partners choose their role, and where there is recourse to step outside of it. But falling into it like you are, presently, is a recipe for disaster. If you go this route, you really need to negotiate parameters and establish trust.

I'm really sorry. It almost makes me cry reading that. You seem like such a good man and so good to your wife. I unfortunately know exactly how that feels. I've not received oral from my husband since the night before we got married. Even though whenever he wanted or accepted he got oral. My situation hasnt gotten better, I hope your does.

Until you own your complicity in this dynamic there will be no change in the relationship pattern and your outcome will remain the same.

Maybe you get off on being a martyr? 'Cause I can't see any other reason you keep putting yourself in this position.

I'm sorry for what you are going through - but - you are putting YOURSELF through it now. You are now educated enough to know this will never change - why should it? - until you DECIDE it will change.

And part of me wants to smack you upside the head - what is WRONG with you - that you can't see there are a million other women out there who - for a mere fraction of the attention you lavish on your narcissistic selfish spouse - would love you wholly and completely back.

The problem wont' be resolved until you start loving YOURSELF and realizing YOU are worth more than this.

Good luck. We've all been there.

PS: I am a feminist, but I have never found giving "my man" oral sex disgusting - I really enjoy(ed) it. She's got major hangups and every excuse. But even if oral sex had been agreed to be off the table - no excuse for the rest of it!

Me too! I'm a feminist and I like pleasuring "my man." She's taking advantage of you. That's not feminist.

I'm not a martyr, just a sucker.

The term feminist means whatever the person using it wants it to mean. A "BJ loving" feminist cancels out a "BJ's are demeaning" feminist and the end result leaves us right where we started, at least with regard to ideology and oral sex. I find much the same with God-fearing Christians and Jesus-loving Christians debating among themselves who the true believers are, while the original topic and problem slides to the side.

What's clear to me is that the wife in this dynamic sees differentiated sexual roles and likely other roles in the marital dynamic, where knight plays a servile role to his wife's pleasure.

There are three outcomes to this:
1. Acknowledge it between the two of you as a kink that either she has or that you both have and negotiate together on how to explore it for maximum potential in your differentiated roles. Get some resources on dominance and submission, including chastity and ****** denial. Better that you actively collude with it than accidentally so. There are ways to do this if you are game. If you are going to do it though, learn more about how it works and how to take care of each other within that exploration.

2. Force a reckoning. Cold war tactics aren't going to work. I kinda think you need to go big or go home with this. If you are crying in your pillow (I've been there), it's time to start thinking differently about the relationship you have, as opposed to the fiction that is your marriage, presently. Like a market correction, you two need to get back to what's real. And what's real, at this point, is that you have a roomate who eats your food, who doesn't pay rent, and who treats you like ****. You have an idea of a wife, but it isn't that person, so when you look at that ring on your finger, what does it represent right now. Take the effing thing off and put it away until the two of you earn it back again. And for gawds sake, move out of the bedroom for at least a month, so you can get a decent nights' sleep without staring at her celibate or cuckolding backside.

And talk to a lawyer. For you. Not for a threat or negotiating chip. Don't tell her.

Sorry, the third outcome is continue as usual.

2 More Responses

Princess Complex. You owe her everything - and I suspect so do the rest of us, in her shameless narcissistic universe. She owes you nothing. No consideration, no care, no affection.

I am actually not adverse to being used, sexually, from time to time - but there has to be some kind of mutual consent and reciprocity even in that.

In your life that has turned into repeated serial abuse. I don't see any mutual consent or reciprocity here at all. Here is one person only interested in taking, and one person finding themselves getting no benefit from the transaction at all. There is one, and only one cure: kick her sorry arse out on the street. Or you will be as you are, henceforth.
This person you married has no conscience at all.

Never mind how cute her blonde head, how pert her ******* or how long her legs: she's a boil on the arse of the universe, considering her consideration of you (or men in general for that matter). Your story "expectations" really lays it out so neatly, I don't know what else needs saying.

Stop doing all these nice, wonderful things for her!!!! And for Pete's sake, stop satisfying her when she won't return the favor. Maybe you should remind her there are plenty of women who don't find certain things disgusting and would be willing to oblige.

If any of this sounds harsh, it's just tough love.

knight: should you give up your romantic nature? absolutely not.

should you give your wife a "come to jesus your day of reckoning is near" talk?


you betcha.


she's walking all over you and you're not only letting her...you're helping her do it.


sorry to say this but my gut tells me you'd better see an atty and start planning your exit.

It literally causes me pain to read this story. This is so wrong.

But I think about the times that my husband asked for massages, etc and then pushed me away in disgust if I tried to take things further.

The saddest part of being in an SM is watching the love you once felt slip out of your grasp and die. Nobody wants to lose the closeness they thought they shared. No one wants to admit that the partnership is gone. No one wants to face the stinging cold left by the emptiness. And yet...

You are held in thrall by trying to hang on to your misplaced love. Holding on keeps you isolated, lonely, chilled to the bone, and hurting. To leave this spot of eternal damnation will require you to change. Maybe you don't want to leave behind the role of hopeless romantic. You don't have to leave behind the *romantic* part of your personality. But you do have to leave behind the *hopeless* part.

beautifully said

Perfect, perfect, every word in this comment is perfect.

When are you going to listen to your feelings?

Look in her purse. There you will find your balls. You're welcome.

very descriptive and funny...what does a person do when they are used and abused like that? Is it totally the narcissistic spouse or has the offended done something to bring it on himself?

The refuser owns their behaviour, the refused owns their choice to stay and continue to subject themselves to the behaviour.
There are no free passes for refuser or refused.

If you persist in "we" thinking, you are going to produce identical and predictable results as you have thus far done.

There is no "we" in your dynamic and until such time as that fact is recognised, you are operating on a false premise (that there is a "we" in play) that will not work to your advantage in any way, any shape, any form. You will continue to be played like a piano.

Most people do NOT leave their dysfunctional marriages. They post an anguished story, maybe several - as you have, then they choose to disappear off this board and return to their lives of quiet desparation.

On the odd occassion they come back, ready to get real about their shithole marriage, but usually not.

Tread your own path.

Brother Knight it is very hard not to be harsh with you. So she duds you once again in the biggest way possible and all you could do is lay in bed steaming about it.

I ask you what consequences do you plan on giving her for this most unacceptable behavour? or are you just prepared to have you vent and go along with the current tide of you being screwed over.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

"So please don't judge me to harshly." I will!
"She says that it's degrading to women to do that, it's disgusting, it will make her throw up instantly, etc. " She said all... This is HER idea of relationship - you either suck or being sucked... In your relationship -YOU SUCK... Nothing to do with passion, partnership, love etc You are BOTTOM... and sorry,will be harsh again - it is YOU who allow it...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...
and again... coke just never been there http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2717600
You can be million time more romantic... You will stay and sink deeper if you continue and accept this humiliation...

Your fault was is that you are more empathetic than you should be. You turn her needs into your needs. There's spectrum in personalities between overly empathic (suicidal) to sociopathic (homicidal), roughly speaking. Somewhere in the middle should work. You are losing your sense of self. Your not going to have a survival instinct left.

I used to be like that, and sometimes I still can be that. But I'm aware of it and always try to self-correct. I went through counseling to work on this.

You're not realizing your full potential and happiness with a woman who does not care as much for you as you do for her.

This is the 2nd story I have read about your going all out for her (there may be more).

The next story I want to hear is how you stood up to this woman and gave her an ultimatum and made plans to live without her.

It doesn't have to be forever. You're not a failure if you end it.

like++++

No judgement from me mate. You made your choice. Each choice has its consequence and its share of pain. No one gets a pass on choice.

...:( She does not love you. She does not care that she is hurting you....I'm very sorry to say that, but that's my opinion here.

You've married someone who does not have the capacity to care.

...I'm so very sorry this has happened to you, but I believe the faster you get going on divorce, the better things will be.