Update Number....?

when last i posted, i was still reeling from the news of some really devastating financial crap my has been up to these past x years.

i have successfully frozen both accts (found out this week both banks froze on the day i spoke with them, go me!) and gotten back information from one. the second has been a bit more problematic. i left progressively unpleasant-er msgs and yesterday threatened to involve attys. well that did it. VP called me & explained what they've done so far & by close of business the manager of client data had left a msg for me. so, today, after a month of wrangling, i will finally get back data on the second bank info.

THEN i can go hire the atty.

i had planned to give h a letter this past weekend and talk with him. upon advice from a coworker: give him *nothing* in writing. and she recommended i say nothing unless & until i am ready to grab my daughter & leave.

while i am not sure it needs to be that drastic...i do believe she's entirely right about not giving him any potential ammunition by putting anything in writing to him.

i also need to be able to tell him when our daughter is not only not around, but best she's either on a sleepover or at a friend's house. i really don't want any chance she could overhear what might become a really ugly discussion.

if it *were* "just the sex" it'd be easier. but given the extenuating *other* crap, it is definitely bound to get ugly.

just letting you know why i am seemingly hanging in limbo. every day it gets harder.

thanks for being here. xo
smithy8015 smithy8015
46-50, F
9 Responses Jan 16, 2013

UPDATE: i spoke with the atty after sending her an e mail with preliminary info. asked if she thought mediation possible. i have an appt a week from today.

her basic response; it's not really possible to mediate with someone you can't trust.

and, given his deceptive behavior over the past several years, i can't trust him.

so--it's looking like this will definitely have to be the hard(er, est?) way.


thanks all so much for being here.


sending moral support your way.....

Hire the attorney before you do ANYTHING more, especially before confronting or writing to you spouse. Be prepared to provide the attorney with all financial records.

thanks chai; i think i have found the one i want to represent me & have reached out with an e mail outlining preliminary information & questions.

crossing fingers.

Smithy the best form of attack is the element of surprise.

Keep your cards close to your chest sister. Get your affairs soughted than when ready strike him hard and fast.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Sounds like you have good support, good advice, and good self-control in this matter. Here's wishing you a swift resolution. [and agreeing with those who advise putting *nothing* in writing.]

Is it likely he will be surprised by your words? I imagine the drama will not last as he is certainly aware of the lack of harmony in your relationship. You have said it before, you are responsible for your action and reaction not his. Be bold, knowing it won't last long and it is not like jumping over a cliff but more like landing softly after a potentially bad fall.

Looks like everything is coming together. Good luck.

I second your co-worker. And I would make sure to have a neutral third party along when telling him - or get your attorney to tell him, AFTER you have left.

Based on what you have told US, and then with your co-worker's feeling on top of that, prepare for the worst and protect YOURSELF. To me, anyone who could treat a spouse with the disdain he has treated you - and then lie about the money on top of it - could do ANYTHING when cornered.

Being "right" as Baz and Lao say below is no good when you are 'dead'.

Do NOT give him ANY ammunition.

Just adding a couple of thoughts to Bazz's comments. Minimize your interactions as much as you can and try not to be drawn into discussions on fairness or right and wrong. When you are ready to set out your agenda, have it done through your attorney. Try to put aside any desire to be 'right' or explain your position. It is now about hoa to move forward as individuals who share a child. Breathe and take measured steps. There will be time later for sitting with your pain and unravelling the jumble of thoughts and feelings. You are walking the gauntlet now. Be well.

The logistical side of the deal is invariably the most protracted and difficult and frustrating part of the process.

Compared to the logistical work you have ahead of you, the likely flare up when you drop the bomb on him is unpleasant, but of relatively short duration. (Usually. A couple of recent examples of that would be members AwakeForTheDance, and GeekWithMuscles who have recently been on bombing missions)

The fact that you are aware that the bomb drop could get ugly is 'good' in as much as you can prepare for that, but don't be surprised if it is no-where near as ugly as you might think. If, as appears, you are holding the initiative and the momentum (and most importantly the timing**), then it is YOU who drives and directs this process, leaving him in an entirely re-active position.

**Timing. Possibly the most important component in these situations. You get your **** together, then the timing is yours. Your co-worker, who likely has far more detail on your dynamic and the personalities involved than your ILIASM siblings, may be imparting a very very valuable bit of advice to you about telling him nothing until you are primed and ready to unload.

Tread your own path.