I Just Want To Be Desired.

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years, married 3.5 years. In the beginning he was amazing sexually. He was very attentive and giving in the bedroom or any room for that matter. He knew coming into this relationship that I was a very sexual woman with a healthy sexual appetite. After we got married he became a lazy lover. At first he started blaming his lack of intamacy on health reasons. I insisted he get medical attention. He went to a Urologist and then to an Endocronologist. He was diagnosed with low testosterone. He's only 34. He was given HCG injections, then Testosterone gel. None helped with our sex life. I have tried several homeopathic herbs/vitamins to help him. He has no problem getting an erection or being pleasured by my hand/mouth. He just never initiates, never touches me, never pleasures me. It's always a one way street.
He is the kind of guy that gets bored easily with his job, life etc... And he stops putting forth effort. I feel like he's just lazy. I go every day/night just wanting to be touched, kissed, licked, sucked, penetrated, played with. He gets defensive when I bring this up. He makes so many excuses for his lack of intamacy. He doesn't understand the damage the rejection and drought has done to me. I feel so alone in this.
Jerseybelle Jerseybelle
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Move on now.........save yourself 10 years

If thete are no children to complicate your situation, I would encourage you to consider closing the book on this chapter of your life and move on. I expect it will get worse, not better, and cause increased frustration. Good luck.

Explanation here is pretty straight forward. He is a selfish ****.

He put on a pretty good act that he was into a "we" dynamic initially, but revealed his true "me" agenda pretty early on.

Anyway, enough about him. He is what he is, and there is no changing of that, lest it be by his own hand - and that seems highly highly unlikely.

Best you concentrate on the things within this dysfunctional situation that YOU own. Like the fact that you have been complicit in the situation for at least 3.5 years. By staying, you have said, by deed if not words, that his behaviour is ok and that you will tolerate it.

If in fact his behaviour is NOT ok with you, then your position needs to be articulated very very very clearly to him. And, you have to start thinking about the unthinkable.

Tread your own path.

I understand what you are saying, I have allowed this. You are right, I have enabled his behavior.
Tonight I confronted him, he told me that I put too much stock into sex. :-/

I'm at a cross road. I can either continue to be neglected and ignored, or leave my marriage. Neither are roads I want to take. Can you recommend another avenue? I was thinking about a Couple Retreat?

Unfortunately Sister J, I can not recommend another tactic. To the best of my knowledge there are only two options.
1 - stay (with variations such as stay and chest. Stay and trust in the Lord etc)
2 - leave.

Even with the best will and intent by two engaged and motivated spouses, the recovery / rebuild option is a long shot. It is a complete non-starter when you have a selfish **** involved as one of the spouses.

above should read "cheat" not "chest". Your chest will be of no help here !!!!

My self esteem is too low to leave or stay and cheat. Living in this turmoil has destroyed my self confidence. I've gained weight, a lot of weight, I've become reclusive (it took a lot for me to reach out online) I have literally started to hate myself. How did I get like this? I ask myself all the time. I was so vibrant, happy, audacious when he met me. I'm a shell of myself now. Always confused, frustrated, broken. This is not what I signed up for. Not what I intended my 2nd marriage being. I have thought about divorce, sincerely. My kids were strung through a terrible divorce/custody battle with their Father and myself. I have one child with Autism. Change is very hard for her. I battle with guilt over divorcing again. I put on a fake smile every day and keep going for my kids sake. At night is when it's the hardest for me. I'm left alone with my thoughts, the realizations of my broken marriage.

There are a number of stories here that will help you challenge your thinking about all sorts of things, in particular the advisability of staying for the kids. But maybe, having just got here, it might be smart for you to just consolidate for an appropriate period of time and gather your thoughts before diving into the group deeply.
There are a lot of things you will see here, and truth be told, you ain't going to like most of it.
Best to go at your pace, if you are intending to hang around (which I hope you do)

Jersey, we have a ton in common. Kid with autism(aspie for me), selfish h (x in my case), low T, sexless, lazy, self esteem beat all to hell in the beginning of the end... Read my stories please. This is a journey and it's not fast or easy. But it's WORTH IT.

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OK, when did you marry my husband? Mine has given so many exscuses, and won't initiate to save his life.