Can You Stand Another Update From Me..Life is happening fast. I just want to thank everyone for the strength, and often times actual words to say, in order to stay strong as I go through this with stbx. My real life friends are wise too so I have a ton of sound, sane, positive support and I am so grateful.
Tonight I learned it's not "the house" I hate -- I am sitting here with peace. Here's what went down:
All day he had been texting me things like, "it is too quiet here" (he was at home, we had just put dog to sleep last night). He didn't ask me how I was once, though I did ask him several times, flat out, "Are you okay?"
I got home and I told him I was going up north to heal and I asked him what he was planning for his weekend - asked if he considered what he would do to take care of himself. He got all sad, didn't say much. He moped around the house, doing weird stuff. Finally he said it -- "I can't believe I have to spend the weekend here all alone." That fed right into my guilt. But I kept strong thanks to all of you and your words.
Later we hugged - I said I am sorry for our losses. He replied, "Why can't we just act married, we are both here anyway." I said, "I can't act anything, I know we are not right for each other."
That set things in motion --- he started pacing, huffing, puffing ---- I went in the guest room, closed door, sat on bed and just listened. He was stomping around the house, I could tell he was packing. 20 minutes later he left -- and was gone. Now *I* was left in this god-for-saken house.
So -- I put on Yiruma to cleanse the air of crap -- lighten it up -- (piano music). I packed christmas stuff away in a frantic mad-dash rush (yeah, been ignored this year, go figure). I threw away most of it, admittedly -- lights, ribbons, stupid fake flowers, garland, any ornament with my name or our name--- I never packed christmas up so fast in my life. All as I was listening to "calming music" -- that made me laugh anyway. I am not a thing-keeper, so my things were tossed, his things were semi-handled with care.
After the Christmas whirlwind, I sat in my chair, feet up, dog's picture in my lap, hugging his ratty, crusty teddy bear that smells like him, wailing (the ugly cry) and praying he hears me and knows how thankful I am he was my pug, how sorry I am for all the hurts at the end and for having to let him go. After the wailing was calm...... quiet............ and an ounce of peace.
Then I read something from a good old gal friend of mine that just really helped: neither he nor I will regret this later. We will both be happy one day again. That will make the pain worth it.
So - he is still gone - no idea where he went, or if he's coming back. I am comfortable in this house I found stifling now that his energy is gone. That once again, says a lot. I feel peace -- I remember the love I had with my boy (dog) and I know it's all for a reason -- a shot at real joy.
Hopefully this update will sustain for awhile............. plans are to go up north this weekend (peace) and figure out my next move. I was going to move in with an old gal friend, but I am questioning it now, for my own sanity and peace. She has four special-needs dogs and while I am a dog lover (obviously).... I just............ I just don't know. I need a bright, cheery, positive space and I have to be very careful what I do next, I think. Who I surround myself with and where I live.
So I am happy. When he first left I wondered how I would sleep through the night in this place. Now I know --- peacefully. And I have to add --- I am really grateful I get this closure with the house. Really glad. It was for a reason -- it will be okay.