Sometimes It's Not So Straightforward

Where to begin... I have been with my wife for 15 years now. For the first couple of years, things were great and then... we have grown apart sexually. It has nothing to do with weight, which is the same as when we met. It has nothing to do with income or finances- we're better off than we've ever been. But there's refusal. I used to ask every day, multiple times... then once a day... then not only was there refusal, there was contempt for the request... at the current worst, I moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room. This was a shock because she- and I kid you not- said "you slept better in there than you've slept in years."

But then there's the thyroid cancer.

She had it removed recently, the whole thing, and for the best- it was Stage 2 and not looking promising. Now I have refusal amidst hormone adjustments. I've laid back, tried to be supporting.

Then there's a lack of communication.

I've also not let the issue drop. I'm not pushy. If I bring it up once a month I'd shock myself. But I'm tired of the fight it almost always brings. And I'm no mind reader. Sorry, but I wasn't born with that ability. I'm one of those people that actually believes that people should mean what they say and do what they think is right. But if you say nothing at all...

It's not that I wouldn't have sex with her. I just see the stories about how people don't want to anymore, and I don't want that to happen. It's doubly aggravating when women I know will say "she's one lucky gal to have you!" and I smile to hide the pain.

I need the sex to feel intimate. I want to feel intimate with her. I don't understand why I am refused, and I'm not being told anything other than 'no.'

RandomWordGen RandomWordGen
36-40, M
6 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I totally understand. people think I am soooo lucky to have my husband. haha, yeah. I just don't answer back. I hate having to lie about the truth.

why is NOT important. do you really REALLY want to know why? would it even matter?

I don't think so.

better to move on.

and btw - refusers will use ANYTHING to validate their sexlessness and make your libido look evil as hell.

Just like most people here for whatever reason i would say your missus is no longer attracted to you.

As for all the excuses well their bull...**** and the sooner you come to terms with it the better off you'll be.

You have two choices here stay shut up and put up with it or bring upon consequences and possibly leave while you are still quite yound and have a real shot at rebuilding life.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Wow... this is really a bad situation. I can feel the pain you are going through. I can only wish you strength and patience. The lack of communication is really worrying as well. We feel your pain pal.

I'm with you there brother.....refusal wrapped into and around health issues. A very perplexing and frustrating situation. I have been almost 7 years now without an intimate moment...and the hurt is more overwhelming than I want to admit. A split though, doesn't feel totally fair either on top of her MS.........

This reads like after the usual initial flurry, your missus natural level of need for intimate expression asserted itself. And that level was "very little".

The thyroid issue - whilst important in and of itself - is not greatly relevant here. The issue did NOT emerge after the illness, it was the 'normal' situation in your dynamic before this event.

Fact is, you don't "need to understand why you are being refused". What you need to know is that you ARE being refused. "Why" this is so doesn't matter. Even if you knew "why" it would make no difference.

Your missus is intimacy averse to you. That is either a dealbreaker, or it ain't.

It actually IS that simple. But don't confuse 'simple' with 'easy'.

Tread your own path.

Yep, feel your pain. Everything else seems fine and nothing has changed in your eyes but now refusal. It was once recommended to me to get a hobby and good friends. But that is not the same, though it does consume time it doesn't fill the spot.