Frustrated Newlywed

I never thought in a million years that I would be in the position that I am in. If someone would have told me I wouldn't have believe them. But here I am, I am a newlywed. I have been married for 4 mos. and 7 days and I have a horrible sex life. My husband seems to have ED and claims that it just started in 2012 with me and he has never had this problem before. Sadly to say is I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I don't believe my husband because it's so severe. I don't believe my husband because it took for me to make him an appointment to find out what it wrong. I don't believe my husband because his nonchalant actions shows otherwise. For example, if I was a man and my stuff has been working and I have never had any problems the minute it stops working I'M CALLING IN THE ARMED FORCES, because we have a problem that needs to get fixed ASAP. He doesn't even get erections when laying in the bed with me and im naked. Which I don't understand because strangers screw all the time without emotional attachment let alone affection needing to take place. I have been telling him to go see a Primary care physician for over 6 mos and he just now made an appointment. I guess what I am trying to express is that with his slowness of trying to get things fixed it seems as though he has been dealing with this issue and it's no biggie to him. Over the course of us dating I expressed deeply that sex is a major deal to me. Now we chose to do things the right way and not engage in pre-marital sex of course I tested it out to make sure the package was good and it was. But I did find it strange how he was okay with the fact of not engaging in sex, some men after testing it out is like oh well we have already done the deed LOL. It's almost as if he was hiding behind the whole idea of doing things the right way. So here we are 4 mos and 7 days in and I am contemplating leaving! I don't think that I can live like this. Our sex life is based on how he's feeling and when and if he can perform. I was celibate for almost 2 years, met him and now that I have said I do I feel like I am being punished. I was getting more **** (excuse the language) when I was single. I feel like my conjugal rights have been ******** of me. But don't be confused because I know it's not me my Stuff works and is alive. I'm so horny I think my Va G G has a heartbeat. We are newlyweds we should be going at it like jackrabbits but im lucky if I get some once in a week. I think what really ****** me off is while doing some reading and research there are a lot of stereotypical articles out there that paint a picture as if "US WIVES" don't like sex?? That is such a LIE! I love sex, Sex is a beautiful thing between a married man and woman. But when you don't have that connection your relationship is being set up for failure because growth as a couple can not take place. The bond can't grow, and becoming "One Flesh" isn't taking place either. I figure writing about it will be a good outlet because I am sexually frustrated in so many ways and I am thinking things a married woman should not be thinking. Is there anyone else going through this? I am opened to your thoughts!

InquiringMinds247 InquiringMinds247
26-30, F
13 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Sorry to hear about your struggles. But first things first. A mans penis quits thinking all the time for him around his mid 20's and believe me it's a relief. Erectile dysfunction is an absolutely embarrassing, humiliating, and big libido killer. But reading your story you can and are willing to work with him on that. But the fact he did not seek help in this very important bonding must is really the problem. Like you said "I would go right away". And for various reasons you would. (Difference between women and men in sexual meaning and arousal). A couple things you said that might just be why he didn't go right away. And a couple of reasons why. First reasons for all guys dreading the day. It is most likely a female receptionist who answers phone and asks "what's the appointment or reason for?" Next it is most likely going to be a female nurse who takes your vitals and asks " so what brings you in or what's going on". And last and now in my experience and actually prefer are women doctors. Again "so what's going on" or " so your here for ED problems" finally it's "alright lets take a look and see if there is any visual problems" (side note its not any pun to place women in these roles. My wife is an educated women and women make better health care providers in my opinion) with all that you know what was he heard. Laughing " so your here because your not a man anymore or having troubles." Or when the doctor ask let's take a look " damn your penis is small" stupid I know first these are professionals and its completely ridicules way to think but just like you women we have our moments. And after all that you have to go to pharmacy where you will see someone you know or know someone to get medicine. Now your part he may not feel he is enough to satisfy you or he needs direction to satisfy you. If a guy does not see her satisfied or you get frustrated and stop him and move to something else because it wasn't working he KNOWS leaving him the feeling of being inadequate. And stress coupled with anxiety will prevent an a "rise" and desire. So talk to him be dominate left right softer harder etc. not only will you benefit but he and all guys dream want desire a women to instruct them on how to be an amazing lover. I am not blaming any one or taking sides. But this is why communication is VITAL to succeed in any relationship because if you know you have and it doesn't work you just may not have "sexual chemistry " together

When I was reading your story I kept thinking "If I knew then what I know now." As a woman, we are often led to believe that men have sex on the brain 24-7. They need it, want it, crave it- constantly. Right? So it's devastating and confusing when we are rejected so many times. I was ashamed and embarrassed for so many years thinking it was me.
I can sense from your story that it's not something you really considered could happen ...until now.

My only advice is read through the struggles on here. Read them and take note. Notice how many years some of us have spent in SM and decide if you are up for that. It's a lonely road. It's a painful road.

Actually, I do want to echo one other piece of advice you already received in response to your story. Please, do not have children. At least not yet. At least not until you're CERTAIN that you have repaired this aspect of your marriage. And if it cannot be repaired you need to decide whether or not to live with it or move on.

Thank you very much for your response. It really saddens me to know that a lot of men and women have been suffering in silence and in pain for years. I don't want to be that person, I am reading and I am taking notes...guess it's more of a how do you tell the man you just said "i do" less than 5 months ago that this isn't going to work?!? Kinda tough but needs to be done!

You wrote, "Over the course of us dating I expressed deeply that sex is a major deal to me. Now we chose to do things the right way and not engage in pre-marital sex of course I tested it out to make sure the package was good and it was. But I did find it strange how he was okay with the fact of not engaging in sex."

We did the same. We never had a strong sexual bond to begin with, but my H was the "total package" barring sex. I thought that perhaps if we refrained from sex until marriage, we would turn wild and passionate for one another.

Didn't work. Utter fail.

I have come to realize that he was okay with it (to refrain until marriage) because he has a low libido. No pressure, eh? Literally.

Fast forward 15 years and two gorgeous girls. My future, at this point, is uncertain. I don't know which way it will go: 1.) divorce, OR 2.) a new, redefined marriage with my husband.

Either way, change is coming.

Am I crazy?! Perhaps. I'm rather scared and excited by the prospects at the same time.

Wishing you the best outcome.

WOW!! so you really understand my frustration and you understand it very well with being 15 yrs in it. Has your H tried medication? or even been to see a doctor? Well at least you know his ***** works because you have two gorgeous daughters. My future is uncertain as well with being 4 mos and 8 days into my marriage. I have to choose happiness Im 30 years old and from what I hear the older us women get the hornier (if that is a word) we get. And if he is having problems now, it will only get worst as time goes on. I can't live like this, it's changing who I am as a person and causing major resentment towards him. Sadly to say but divorce is looking my way. But I would love to have a redifined marriage with my husband as well....but that is not gauranteed and would probably leave me feeling cheated out of life over a problem that is his problem.

My H doesn't have ED, but low libido (testosterone tests always come back within normal ranges). When we decided to have a second child, I remember having drinks with a friend and expressing concern because I didn't know how we were going to get pregnant -- at this point we still didn't know what to do with each other; how to initiate, etc.

First pregnancy took, literally, a couple of tries over the course of a month. By time we decided to have a second, we'd already been together nearly 10 years. Unbeknownst to us, my uterus "broke" after my first daughter. It was crazy; took 28 cycles to get pregnant. Imagine how awkward 'trying to do the deed' was with the pressure to have a kid. And the last few cycles were "assisted," as in he had to provide the ***** in a collection cup, which I took to fertility clinic for insemination. I almost didn't make those appointments because the pressure was too much for him.

Frankly, it was a dark time in my life AND one in which has taken more than 4 years to emerge from, with respect to depression. Though I'd say there are a few contributing factors: I stay at home now (miss my career), we moved back home (but my mature friendships, generally, had been forged in old city), AND we lack intimacy, overall. I found myself in the darkest place yet this past December. I've never felt as alone as I did.

We talked early in December. I told him how I felt about not being intimate in over 1.5 years. He was duly shamed, though not my intention. Not much progress since then, but he has expressed that it can get better. I asked, "how do we make it better, when it never has been?" He didn't respond. Left the bed to look for his inhaler (he has asthma). ?

I plan to go for coffee this wknd and write a letter to explain to him where I am at, to describe how i truly feel, what i desire, and that there is no going back now. We either redefine our marriage, to include intimacy as a key foundation, OR... I will leave.

I am ten years-ish older than you, and I AM insatiable. As a matter of fact. I am no longer satisfied with my "toys," if you know what I mean. I need to be touched, kissed, fvcked. And if you read my first story, you'll see that I made that happen. But all it did was highlight the problem.

So, what are you going to do? Have you laid it all out on the line?

I see you have put this story out into 6 other groups as well, to get a range of input.

Here's mine.

I'd suggest taking the focus off your spouse and his array of issues, as you can do nothing about them in any event.
I suggest that you swing the spotlight onto YOU.

See, you own the fact that you married the dude when clearly there were problems before that. You also own the fact that thus far you have stayed with him, thus telling him by deed, if not word, that you are ok with the situation.

Note, I am not suggesting that this is YOUR fault. In truth, it doesn't matter a whole lot who's "fault" it is. It is a dysfunctional situation and all the fault finding in the world won't alter that fact.

It gets down to this.

Is his behaviour a deal breaker ?

If it is, then you own what you are going to do about the situation.
If it isn't, then you own you choice to stay in the situation.

Tread your own path.

Actually I do not own the fact that I knew and accepted this. I said it happened and I thought that it was first time jitters!!!! What I do own is the fact that I trusted my husband and believed him when he said there wasn't an issue. I own the fact that I probably should have ****** him more to really get an idea of where things stand!!! I own the fact that I am a very sexual person and would have never been ok with this!!! And yes it would have been a deal breaker for me!!!

So, if you HAD known, it would have been a dealbreaker.
Yet now, you DO know, but it's not a dealbreaker ?

That line of reasoning is rather hard to follow.

If you are staying, you own that choice.

I'm sorry bazzar but you seem to not understand what I am saying... IT IS OFFICIAL A PROBLEM!! WE HAVE BEEN TO THE DOCS NO CHANGE, HE HAS TAKEN HIS MEDS NO CHANGE I EVEN WENT WITH HIM TO A SEX THERAPIST STILL NO CHANGE!! I am still his wife and I know at the end of the day it will be my decision and honselty it is a deal breaker but before i walk out that door I, myself must know that I did everything I could as his wife so that I can sleep good a night! The line of reasoning is never hard to follow but with everything I choose to do it's with class and dignity!!

Thanks for the clarification. So it IS a dealbreaker. Your reply (4 above) looked ambiguous on first reading.

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Tell him that if he can't please you, you will have to take action yourself - and go out to bars alone - see if it wakes him up. If he does not even get jealous - just leave him.

Sister Inquiring Minds at this early stage of your marriage you seem to have a realistic outlook at what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavour in your marriage.

Your husbands behavour is most unacceptable made worse by the fact that he doesn't give a about the problem.

This problem needs to be dealt with now while the marriage is still young. Only complete honesty and a hard line from you is called for if you have any chance of salvaging this marriage.

I suggest you sit him down and tell him that you will only be saying this once and he had better take you seriously and if he doesn't you are out the door.

Tell him that sex is a major part of your married life and he needs to step up and be active in seeking medicle help for his problem. (Not you making the medicle appoitments for him) Explain to him that if he refuses to address this problem than it is a deal breaker for you and you will be out the door while its still early and rebuild your life with a man who wants to be with you intimately.

Failure to address this issue now while the marrige is fresh and no children are involved will result in a much complicated situation for you later when you will have kids & commitments and feel that it is near impossible for you to leave. Also things sexually will only get worse as he gets older.

At your age sister Inquiring Mind when things were good i was rooting the wife at least 6 - 10 times a week.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thank you for your response. I have sat him down and talked to him letting him know that I am not happy and that he needs to take more initiative in fixes what ever it is that is going on. I have screamed at the top of my lungs and have probably said some foul things out of frustrated. I have even told him that this situation is having me rethink our future together. Let me give you an example, he has medication but not once has he popped one this week and tried. That's the part the ****** me off and causes me to think that he has been dealing with this issue before I was in the picture. I would just like to say that you have a very lucky wife!!

Annulment... Sorry, never could understand this secondary virginity before second marriage... What is the purpose? I am much older than you, but even in my young years I only knew one friend who did not have sex before wedding... and it was rather odd then... and she was 19yo virgin...

Just read, read, READ here. It is an awful situation we all share. But the great thing about this website is tat the hard won and distilled knowledge of those who have gone before you is here for YOU to read. And if you are open-minded and willing to challenge your thinking, you WILL learn a great deal. Then you can make informed choices about your own future.

You mostly mention your emotions to the situation and less about the back-drop.

[quote]we should be going at it like jackrabbits but im lucky if I get some once in a week[/quote]

So, it isn't classic out-and-out ED then? Or is your once-a-week non-penetrative?

I mean is there a pattern of behaviour around this? Do you have to pester and pester him? Does he then give in obviously reluctantly? What is his behaviour like during those occasions? What is his behaviour like after those occasions? Do you suspect there is/are practical reasons for his reluctance? Do you think he is being controlling? Do you think he wants to have the control in your relationship, rather than be a peer partner? Is he able to express himself emotionally?

There are lots of things that you might consider but as others have said it will probably not matter one way or another as far as practical outcomes are concerned. The best you could possibly hope for is to ask him, "Before I leave, what exactly is/was your story, I would really love to know".

Well I don't know how you would describe the classic ED. I mean from not getting an erection to not being able to maintain one if you get one i guess would classify for ED. But I'm no Doc. No I don't have to pester him, I make comments about how it's been a while and he would respond it has we need to change that..but nothing happens. Yesterday he made an attempt 20seconds but before then it had been exactly 2 weeks since he tried to engage in anything intimate. No I dont think he is being controlling, no I dont think he wants control versus a peer partner relationship these type of questions have already been answered in the courting phase I would have never married him if I had a hint of any of these characteristics. He's a really great guy, provider, and father to my child from a previous marriage. He does express himself emotionally and I times I feel sorry for him, but I can't get past the problem being severe and he never knew about it..and your right I would like to know the REAL STORY....but I wont hold my breathe...I dont see why a person would court someone, have them move across the country, marry them and then start CHOCKING!!! makes no sense unless he mistaken my kindness for weakness and thinks that I will settle. #WrongWoman

it could be that he was embarrassed by the ed, and was trying to be cool in front of you. and maybe didn't want to admit he has a problem. If that is the case, get him some meds and see if the sex starts.

But it could also be any of a number of other problems, including maybe being a closeted gay guy.

I think you need to lay the problem out there. Offer to work with him any way you can. But if he isn't taking responsibility for fixing himself really soon, you need to move on.

don't get pregnant...

We tried the meds and they dont seem to be working? and if he was embarrassed that is kind of F'd up to go into a marriage knowling you can't perform to please your wife!! I asked him if he was gay and he got pissed, i asked him if he has ever been molested, etc. answers no to all. We did discuss to start a family but i just told him recently that there is no way im bringing a baby into this mess...hell the rate we are going I wont get gotta have sex in order for that to happen :(

I know what you mean. My wife claims that she has pain on the rare occasions we do have sex. But in 7 years she has never made a real effort to figure out what the problem is.

That has got to be frustrating!! 7 years God bless you! Do you put up with it because you are respecting your vows? or maybe for the kids, if any? I just said my vows 4mos ago and I feel like crap! We dont have children together but I moved across the country for him which was a major sacrifice...I don't think I can do self-sacrificing being Sex is a great thing and is much needed.

Sorry for you. Read on, you will find some great advice here. With all sympathies, consider this other, rather frequent stereotype: a man in your position, if he confided in friends, would most likely be advised to slow down and take it easy until his wife was adjusted to the marriage and got into the mood, that he was coming on too fast. Summary: the partner that seeks sex more is always the loser. Very unfortunate.

u kinda lost me?!??!

Leave him instantly. Please. I beg you. You are so young, you have no kids with this guy and you will otherwise ruin your whole life.!!!!!!!!

I think what bothers me the most is that I got married at a young age I dropped out of college and had a beautiful son. That didn't work out probably because we were so young and barely knew who we where as individuals let alone a married couple. But I have managed to raised my son, go back to college and finish with my Masters. I own two homes and have an awesome job. I waited and tried to weed out the men that have corssed my paths and it's like I meet him and he's a great person, great provider, and great father. BUT I HAVE NEEDS and im not happy im miserable and this has truly been an emotional roller coaster. We don't argue at all not even about money..our arguments are based on SEX. Leaving is an option but I feel like a failure, I feel like once again being fully happy is unreachable. I don't want to be the couple that looks happy on the outside but is hanging on by a thread on the inside. And I don't want to ruin my whole life by staying and self-sacrificing...I'm in a bad place right now

No doubting that your CV won't look any better, but you really are setting yourself up for a horrible existence. I don't want to leave my little boy's mummy, that's my choice. But if it wasn't for him I'd be off LIKE A SHOT! I am so sexualised and I get nothing back. And I'm a good looking enough guy, work out. No beer gut. Get nothing. Makes me feel less of a man for sure. The world around me is teeming with beautiful women. But I won't do it for my son. But you are free. Please take that step.

Thanks for your response...You say I am free...I just wish I felt like I was...I mean I don't feel stuck or trapped because I am very self-sufficient but I feel like a failure on so many levels because this is my 2nd marriage and it's just begun. I think the major thing that I can't get over is him telling me that this problem just started. hugmaker it's so severe that I don't believe him...I feel setup. Men know when their equipment is not working properly and to say that you thought it would get better on it's own is very much selfish especially when bringing someone into the picture...

Couldn't agree more about the ED. I mean come on!!! What you said before. If my **** stopped working I'd walk naked to accident and emergency at 3 in the morning!


I stayed in a marriage I knew wasn't working because I didn't want to feel like a failure. It is NOT easier to leave 10 years later. RUN

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