Horny, Lonely And Nostalgic

I want to explain something. I've been making a lot of sexual posts here. There are some good reasons for this:

1 - My live-in boyfriend of 9 years wants sex less often than I do. That's the only problem in the relationship - he'd be perfect if the sex was better and more frequent.

2 - Because he and the relationship are so good (other than the sex), I don't want to break up with him.

3 - I look good for my age, but I'm no longer young. I'd like to think somebody would want me if I was free again, but I'm a realist.

4 - I'm not going to cheat on my BF, but ************ by itself isn't enough any more. I need an actual human to accept and appreciate my sexuality. I very badly need someone I can talk to about sex. My BF knows how I feel - if I talk to him anymore, he'll feel nagged. But I can no longer handle this by myself. I need human connection.

5 - I don't want to do this on Facebook, or any other place where people know me IRL, for obvious reasons.

6 - I don't need therapy. I'm not mentally ill - I just don't get laid nearly enough. I do have interests other than sex and when I'm not reminiscing about sexy times I had when I was young, I'd like to talk about them.

Besides, therapy is expensive. I'd rather talk about what's bothering me online, and spend the money on a vacation. ;-)

SmartKat SmartKat
46-50, F
22 Responses Jan 18, 2013

I was curious to see what your earliest post here was, and so I found this, the first post of yours that remains visible.

You say that you don't need therapy because you're not mentally ill. Your statement is based on a false premise: that therapy is only for people who are mentally ill. Therapy is for anyone who could use some help with their life. You could use therapy because two years later, you're still in the same position of being unhappy with the sex in your life-in relationship, but clinging to it because you believe that he is the best that you can do.

Therapy could help you realize that you can not change anyone. Your man is who he is: low libido. You want a lover who frequently and passionately devours you. Your man will never be like that.


Since you don't want to let go of that relationship, you could focus on changing yourself, the only person you can change. You could decide to become happy and content with the relationship you have. Or you can continue to post stories about passion and to rue the lack of passion in your life.

the way i see it you wrote this more than a year a go reading your recent stories it seems nothing changed so r u planing to stay longer ? did u outsource yet ?

again if sex is not happening....I would see others why waste money on a vacation with a person you live like a roommate with----

the wife is the problem most of the time especially after she has kids she has excuse after excuse and tries too get out of the sex...she may do it too shut him but there is no love there...i'm surprised the man is having the problem---you may have too think about seeing others.

you are smart and honest

Well you're in the right place to vent. There are a ton of people out there who are willing to lend a friendly ear, as well as a ton of people who are going through exactly the same things. Judging by the 41 responses I see below mine... you're already getting great support!

well a suggestion and that is make some anonymous friends in here and atleast have a conversation with them of sexual nature, sooner or later you will find someone where your frequency matches in terms of thoughts and fantasies ......... cyber and getting off with such a person may take the boredom out of ************..... of course given your constraints and no other reason to walk out, do not let that transgress to real , keep virtual strictly virtual, and thoughts and words can still be very very powerful with someone you might connect,........

This is in progress....;-)

ahhh # 4. Once you have the connection, it is so difficult to stop at simply conversation....

I'm sorry to read your story, but I want you to know that you should NEVER fear not being desirous to another man!
You 'know' you look good ! Kat is not only smart, but appears delicious, too!

Thank you. :-)

Thank you. :-)

You are so welcome ; I only speak the truth!

I feel for you. I get sex once In a while to shut me up. You can imagine how great that is. Refusers don't get it and never will because they don't have the feelings not being satisfied. Refusers just don't comprehend then tension we feel in needing our desires to be met and not violating a relationship by going outside it . Its interesting how they find our needs trivial, or why else wouldn't they take our needs seriously, yet they don't take our going outside the relationship to have those needs met as trivial... they treat it as a violation...even when we get our needs met without physical contact. Three weeks ago I left our bed and sleep in a different room because I was not going to cuddle ... I felt if one can cuddle, hold hands, or whatever than they should be able to take sex seriously. I don't intend to act like things are good anymore. I'm polite and courteous.

BTW... I didn't see why and for what reason some where harassing you....but if it was related to you finding a means to fulfill your unmet sexual needs, I think they need to take their puritan prudish opinions somewhere else.

Best...

[hug] "Sex once in a while to shut me up"? That hurts.

Talking about it only makes me pine for the real thing even more.

I was not scolding you Sister S, just trying to figure out if you are here to show your jugs (a very worthwhile pursuit at times !!) or to make a start on sorting out your deal with your bloke.
There'd be precious little point in writing a post suggesting stuff about your relationship if that is not what you're here for.
Tread your own path.
(and I bet you have a lovely set of fun-bags)

You are right - sexy talk doesn't belong in this particular group - which is why I don't do it here.

You people that are scolding me don't understand a few things:

1 - Yes, I've tried talking w him about it. Several times a year for 4.5 years. Believe me, he knows what I want.

2 - It wasn't always like this. The first approx 6 yrs, he was all over me. I wouldn't have stayed with him or even become serious in the first place if we weren't, er, compatible.

3 - I was feeling rejected, unwanted, unloved and totally undesirable. I needed to know if *anybody* would ever find me desirable again.

4 - I don't understand how he can love me and want us to stay together w very little sex. But he does. That makes no sense at.all to me. Sex is supposed to be part of the package - *especially* if you're monogamous. If one person doesn't want it and the other does, that's totally unfair.

5 - If he was doing stuff w other women, my first question would be, "Why not w me?" I'm eager, I'm willing, and I'm his. If he's crazy enough not to take advantage of that, then if there are other women - we're done. I'll find someone who appreciates what I have to offer.

But I'm almost 100% sure there aren't other women.

I don't care what your reasons are, it doesn't matter, you do what you gotta do, as long as no one gets hurt, I really don't care.
But the ILIASM is all ready filled with perverts and lurkers looking to take advantage of us, so I personally don;t agree with certain types of posts ON HERE myself.
There is a time and a place for everything.......

Well, I don't know what to tell you guys. I feel scolded and shamed by some of you, but vindicated by others. I'm not going to mess around IRL, but I'm aching to feel desired and desirable again. And in a desire-discrepancy relationship, the LD partner calls the shots. We don't do it unless he wants to. But I'm supposed to stay monogamous. I can't even have the strength to turn him down on the rare occasions when he wants it. I'd like to show him what it feels like to be rejected, but my hormones won't let me.

You do realise that point 3 is nonsense. There are loads of normal people in your age range, dating and having sex - really, there are. Sexless relationships severely damage self confidence and make you irrational with respect to your chances of having a normal sexual relationship. But it depends how important point 3 is in your decision making...

I'm not MARRIED either, is that suppose to make things easier?????
But yes, you can always turn that page ad change the scenario.

Great strategy swapping a therapist for a vacation, btw.

We keep reading about all these "scientific studies" done by scientists: "repeated hammering of skull may cause brain damage" --- in the same vein, or may be not, I'd really like to see a study related to the stand "all is great except for sex" and this group's immediate reaction to it. Suppose there is a couple with this description, and their sex life is magically and quickly fixed. In what fraction of cases does the marriage fall apart regardless?

I think it's about power differentials. The very fact that there is a begging, and a refusing, suggests an inherent imbalance ... and a lack of care on the part of one party. I'm sure there are exceptions. But I've rarely seen a description here that didn't, in addition to the refusal itself, include something about the refuser's fundamental indifference to the pain caused by the act of refusing. To me that says something about character. To all those posts that say "s/he's my best friend", I have to ask: would *you* treat *your* best friend that way? I would love it if, though, someone came along telling us a good news story about it working out, after all.

A refuser may well be a refused person's best friend, if the refused person is bad at making friends, or just plain unlucky.

Kat, there are a lot of people out there — me included, once upon a time — who will swear up and down that the relationship is absolutely great "except for the sex". Many of them — me included — ultimately find that the partner's disregard for sex is symptomatic of a much wider issue and that the relationship really isn't all that great, after all. Not when you scratch below the surface. Sex isn't an optional extra to a relationship. It's key. It's an expression of all that a relationship is, or isn't.

You're talking about being free again ... and that's noteworthy. If it wasn't in your head, you wouldn't have written it. I can tell you this: if you look good "for your age", then you look good, full stop. You will be desirable to someone ... and isn't that what you *really* want most of all? I know I did.

You are certainly not mentally ill. And ************ can only get you so far.

I can't tell you what to do about this; if you think that you and your partner can work it out, great. But I'm holding up a mirror to you by telling you things that I discovered in the course of my awakening to my sexless marriage and my subsequent divorce.

God bless you. You are most certainly desirable. Don't ever believe that you're not.

You don't need to justify yourself here. If your coping strategy for your SM is to garner virtual friends to 'chat' with then I'm sure your stories in the other groups will prove fruitful. And whilst this is a satisfying distraction; just like junk food, it's plastic & fake and will leave you feeling hollow making you acutely aware of what is missing IRL.

I'd love to chat - or exchange sensual emails - enhancing the masturbatory experience for you (and for me)

How can just talking about help. It just makes me miss it even more.

I agree with you Riley it makes it worse for me as well. Don't get the point in cybersex and sexting. Especially if you know ************ isn't enough for you and that human contact is so important. I feel the same way...

If your solution to your malaise is to write sexual stories etc, then you are probably on the right site, of EP, but in the wrong group within EP.

Tread your own path.