Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Raising $ For The Victims Of Lingerie

Long-time reader of this group, first post here, I might do the full story later but here's an interesting development. From many years of experience, and from reading this group I'm a big believer that talk doesn't solve much, action does. A bunch of years ago I made moves to separate, and this motivated my wife to make some changes. Besides asking for an increase in frequency, I asked her to spice things up a bit, and she decided to buy some lingerie for that.

This week we were discussing things, and she said she felt my intention to separate had destroyed the trust in our relationship. She mentioned how I "forced" her to wear painful lingerie, to which I asked how was it painful, since it hadn't been on for very long. She said it had rubbed her private parts, causing a burning, and that she feels I should not have imposed on her, and I should have known when I married her she was not the type to wear lingerie. It turns out I was also to blame for some other stuff, where she made some bad personal decisions, since if I had not given her the chance to make those decisions, she would not have made them.
something2talkabout something2talkabout 51-55, M 22 Responses Jan 18, 2013

Your Response

Cancel

Dude this woman is bad news!! she is the kind of woman that will call RAPE when there is no rape!
-
All i can tell ya is get the hell out of dodge !

-
LIKE yesterday

Buy her crotchless for Christmas that should solve a few problems!

(said tongue in cheek)

She broke the relationship when she stop having sex with you. You asking to bring excitement into the bedroom isn't wrong; if anything she is wrong for not being open into improving your relationship by keep it fresh and exciting. I am sorry but I cannot sympathize with your wife because she is trying to blame you for your issues when in truth, she is failing her duty to fulfill her husbands needs.

I am just rereading this all now. We all seemed to have missed the critical issue here. something2talkabout asked her to spice things up a bit - and she bought lingerie!?!? What was she thinking?

Obviously, he wanted tabasco sauce.

Some people just don't get it.

I should note that I much appreciated the lingerie then and really miss it now, oh well, life in ILIASM

It sounds to me like you already know exactly how to respond to your wife's...uhh...compelling point of view - so no need to offer mine. Very sorry you're dealing with this.

Obviously, your wife's choices were hers to make - but you made yours as well: to marry, to stay, to endure, etc. Not to get all Bazz on you (hey Bazz), but...umm...just want to point out that you still have options, i.e. when to leave, what to take with you, where to live, what kind of partner to choose in the future. Many choices still available to you, my friend.

And lest you think I'm armchair quarterbacking here - I'm in a similar position dealing with the same choices - not easy, not fun. But the alternatives are just awful - at least they are for me. So we choose.

Tell her she bought the wrong stuff. She obviously needs silk, not lace. Thank God you didn't buy it for her. Nice of her to blame you for what she bought.

Several years back

Me: You never wear lingerie
Her: I threw it all out
Me: Why?
Her: It was scratchy
Me: You could buy silk lingerie
Her: I looked, there was none
Me: Let me search on the internet, okay, here's a store that carries some
Her: Okay, go get it
Me: Well I thought you might want to see it before we buy it
Her: Look, the lingerie is FOR YOU, so YOU go buy it, and I'll wear it FOR YOU
Me: Well I thought it might be something you would do for me
Her: I DON'T LIKE LINGERIE, GO BUY IT IF YOU WANT IT

She sounds charming. Soooo, this didn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy (JK of course).

OK, time to change the game plan. Truth be told, I don't care much for lingerie either. I much prefer my wife to be STARK NAKED! Saves money on clothing, and there's nothing that needs to be taken off if (if ever...) passions are ignited. If this works for you, I recommend you suggest it to her!

she is nude a lot, but it doesn't "work for me" as there is no sex in any form

Sorry to hear that. I would pay good money for a naked wife, though in retrospect, if she were to be naked all the time AND a refuser, I think I'd go stark raving mad. What a nightmare. My apologies.

My wife now wears flannel or a t-shirt and sweat pants to bed. Soooo sexy - NOT! I had bought her a terrific pair of silk pajamas ($$$), but she doesn't like them - the elastic waistband is too tight. I'm thinking I should get it altered for her ($$$).

Hmmm. If she said you should buy it for her and she would wear it for "YOU", at least she is willing to do something you want (with, I presume, a price), do you think she is entertaining the thought of sexual relations with you, that will go hand in hand with that lingerie? 'Cause it that isn't going to happen, it sounds like she be gunning your engine, with no tires and locked brakes. For me, that would be hell on earth. That's why I view my wife's clothing choices as a great big "Do Not Disturb" sign. And I don't.

yes, a few years ago she was willing to put up with it, but no longer

3 More Responses

That last point about making decisions is what i have to endure, as soon as something goes wrong its my fault for not making that decision. We went shopping one time and she was asking my opinion about a pair of trousers, i said i liked one particular pair which she bought and in the next store i wouldn't choose between 2 items of clothing, so we came home with nothing elseand in the argument that followed she said it was my fault she doesn't have anything to wear because i wouldn't choose, i said well what about the trousers. To which she replied, do you think im gonna wear those things i only got them because you said get that pair, id have rather had the other pair, but you said get these pile of **** trousers. So now i have nothing to wear, thanks for your help.
That is just one of many examples damned if i do damned if i don't.

From a few days ago:

W: It's your job to wake me up on time!
Me: and it's your job to blame me if the clock alarm doesn't work
W: what did you just say, how could you say that?

Anybody know the technical label for the blame the other tactic?

That is a core part of the aggressive passive behaviour spectrum.

I asked my wife last night how she would like her chicken breasts prepared for dinner ... are there different ways? ... hmmm, cordon bleu, barbequed, thinly sliced and stir-fried, breaded and fried ...
She would not, could not tell me her preference. After my listing her options instead of choosing one she asked me how _I_ would like the chicken.

Well I'm not playing any more. It took me 3 seconds to decide, I cooked it and we ate it. Tough **** (pardon the expression) if she can't even accept such a little bit of kindness (getting the choice) without making a production out of it.
Fortunately she's past trying to play the blame game.

Wow, mine does that! Today he was going to the supermarket, and I asked him to pick up something, anything he wants, for dinner. He got angry because I wasn't able to come up with something that HE would like to eat for dinner!

Where do these people come from :D

steed66, that is unintentionally truly hilarious! It should be a scene in a comedy or something!

In all seriousness, how ridiculously passive aggressive.

its an awful situation to be in ,despite it seeming hilarious im at my wits end

2 More Responses

You cruel beast! You let her make her own decisions? And sometimes they weren't the right ones? What sort of husband are you? Did you not know your job was to IMPOSE your wisdom on her by making her decisions for her?

Oh! Wait . . . then you are disrespecting her rights. Mmmmmmm! Tricky . . . . hard to know exactly how to play this one!!! ROFLMAO

belly laugh {wipes tear from eye}

Also long-time reader of this group, first response here...and I must say first that I love lingerie...even though there is not anyone here who wants to see it. You said you made moves to separate but your wife decided to make changes. You asked for her to spice things up a bit up and increase your sexual relationship. It was her decision to do whatever she wanted ...to do or use lingerie or whatever items she wanted to spice it up. You did not make that decision. She said she felt your intention to separate had destroyed the trust in your relationship. Point out to her couples in a marriage have sex. They do it often. That is why they are a couple. Otherwise they are separate. Look up couples or marriage it's even in the dictionary lol. And trust well lets look at that. When you got married you trusted that she wanted to sleep with you, have sex with you, and that she wanted to please you and have you please her sexually. The fact that she does not not has destroyed your trust in her. Hey trust me....I understand. :( working on my own. :)

"I should have known when I married her she was not the type to wear lingerie."

Didn't she know when she married you that you were not the type to tolerate a sexless marriage?

Wow I'd love to have a discussion with this ... woman ... and I'm using that term loosely.

How do you feel about separating now? Because she's just given you the green light to go ahead, i think.

I just keep SMH every time I read this. You "forced" her to wear uncomfortable lingerie *scoff*. JUST when I think I've heard everything.
You could say she forced you to bed with pain from lack of sex and found that very abusive, if you so wanted to throw it back at her.

I'm sure she'll use the fact that you separated as an excuse (broken trust. yeah right) to deny you sex in the future now. (Didn't she break all trust long before that by denying you the very intimacy that makes a marriage special?) Ironic, since she took you back under the impression of change.
I don't know where to start with this woman.

Ughhh.... I'm not the type of person to wear uncomfortable lingerie or toe pinching shoes either. But here's the thing, all she did was make a bad underwear purchase. Too bad, so sad. Chuck out the uncomfortable lingerie and get something that's more comfortable but still nice looking.

You can just imagine the evil Gestapo man, or some Smersh croney, with maniacal glee whipping out the instruments of torture:

We have vays and means of making your privates burn, Ja? Pass me the purple panties with garters!

Of course, the problem was they were faulty - how come they weren't crotchless?

hl: omg so funny!

LOL

Threatening her with that baseball bat was an evil thing to do. "Wear that lingerie or else" he shouted ...

All I can gather from your story is this: she is not honest. She's not honest with you, she's probably not even honest with herself. All she wants to do is shift blame for things going awry away from her own precious blameless self.
Not a good basis for any kind of resolution.

Precious - now that's the right word. Might have been her parents's nickname for her growing up. "Precious would never do anything wrong..."

People like that leave me speechless.

However, I'm sure you could find a seamstress that could make her some lingerie...out of BURLAP!

horse hair shirt!

wow just when i thought I heard everything.... lingerie?

What's funny is I don't disbelieve you in the slightest. My ex, when she started looking to date again, embarrassedly asked me whether what she'd heard about modern expectations of female personal grooming were true or not. I had to explain that, yes, most women who were dating, really did go to a great deal of effort to make themselves as attractive as possible, in that manner. The bathroom cabinets at the house we once shared, now have a fine array of feminine products that I'd never seen there before - and just to sweeten the pill, she's even bought massage oil, lube and condoms. I'm finding it difficult not to hate her.On the flip side, my lover doesn't actually own any underwear that isn't seriously erotic lingerie. It's her luxury, she wears it for herself - she's also an SM escapee. Although often when we meet, she doesn't wear knickers at all. It saves a few seconds.

To be honest, it's not something I've ever been bothered about. I'm genuinely fond of women no matter what their hairstyle. It was more the signal of 'now I'll give a sh1t' - thanks for that.

Oddly enough, if your story is accurate, all you did was ask for things to be "spiced up." She is the one who went the lingerie route. Hell, she could have done other things besides lingerie if she hates it so much. That particular argument for her holds no water.

-----"forced" her to wear painful lingerie, to which I asked how was it painful, since it hadn't been on for very long."

Did your wife ever give birth?

Because if something like this sets her off, how did she manage to survive a childbirth event?

Ah, but dilating the vagina to the diameter of a basketball is for god, country and species, but lingerie is "merely" for entertaining a lecherous ugly man.

hey thanks ulae for squaring me away on that one!! :)

Interesting. I tried spicing up my already quite spicy sex life with my lover with a "here's your Christmas present" themed surprise romp with new Holiday lingerie. He was appreciative and enjoyed it but... Gosh darn it I think he appreciated it being OFF more than it being ON.

Note to self: while in a SM lingerie is one technique that may possibly and occassionally lead to sex. In a healthy relationship lingerie is typically a cherry on top of an otherwise healthy sex life. Lesson learned.

Oh,yes! It is rather for removing...

I've always felt it's a complete waste of time and money. Nothing's as erotic as the feel of skin on skin ... clothes just get in the way, never mind what they look like :-D Guess I'm just very tactile.

If she felt a true, long term deep conviction about NOT wearing lingere, and that she is not the "type to wear lingere" then I guess she should have refused to wear it and promptly divorced you.

However, it is easier to blame the other person -----" She mentioned how I "forced" her to wear painful lingerie" so one can play the eternal victim to wit -----"It turns out I was also to blame for some other stuff, where she made some bad personal decisions, since if I had not given her the chance to make those decisions, she would not have made them."

Her tactic appears to be working as I take it you two are still married.

Good luck with all that!

Yep, your demands are totally unreasonable.

Do the right thing by her and separate again, this time permanently.

Poor woman. My heart bleeds for her.

Tread your own path.

I am guessing her heart is not included in private parts...

"She mentioned how I "forced" her to wear painful lingerie" She obviously chose very cheap and bad quality... Silk chiffon knickers, silk basque and silk stockings are the gentlest kiss to woman's skin... I am professional lingerie buyer, trust me...