Moving Towards Me And Away From We.So, now I understand what you all have been saying about me continuing to live as WE instead of ME. I finally get it. And I had asked some of you to cut me some slack as I move through the emotional extreme highs and lows that come with a divorce.
See, I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of a marriage. The loss of a family unit. The loss of what WE are/used to be/could have been. All of those emotions are like living on a roller coaster, day in and out. It is INCREDIBLY hard to mentally, emotionally and spiritually detach from what you've known to be 'normal' or 'typical' for over 10 years with your spouse, but especially so when you have kids.
I finally see what you all have meant when you said that I was still living with the WE instead of ME or I. But it took yesterday's events, at the end of the day, to finally 'hear' or 'see' what you all have been saying.
So, my STBX and I had our first divorce mediation session yesterday. I was so scared, afraid that he would try to take my kids away from me, that he was going to push for sole custody, etc. that I had worked myself into an over anxious state and extreme paranoia. I was an emotional mess the other day. Thank you to those who helped me grieve and were willing to understand my pain and yet offer nothing but words of support and advice. THANK YOU.
In the days prior to our meeting, I had worked so hard on spreadsheets showing our assets, debts, nets, and budgets. I did this all on my own. Did my STBX do anything like that? NO. He didn't even know what documents he was supposed to provide, even though it had been spelled out to him in black and white.
Our session was trying at best. I swear he spent the majority of the time LEARNING about our finances vs. coming up with a settlement that would END the marriage. What a waste of time and money. He had no clue how much things cost, nor did he even know where his OWN money was going from his OWN paychecks!!! He didn't know how much was in his stock or 401k, nor did he even know he HAD to provide that information, let alone where to find it. GOOD GOD. Seriously?
So, when I've said to friends that I married a child, THAT is what I mean people. I married a 40 year old child who's not paid a single bill on his own in 9+ years, nor shown any interest in our marital or his own individual finances for 9+ years. But, he is MORE than happy to throw me under the bus and proclaim "but she kept everything from me. i asked and asked and asked, and she refused!!" Which is what he's told me, and probably told our mediator, as well as his parents and anyone else that would listen to his BS victim statements. I made sure to tell her this, and she quickly saw the light. THANK GOD.
WHAT AN EFFING TOOL.
So despite sitting there in silence FOREVER, waiting on him to come up with what he wanted (which was the house, as i expected and had told both my attorney and mediator about...) I finally 'heard' my ancient and tired and cranky attorney (probably not the best choice of attorneys in hindsight, ugh) tell me that I needed to be thinking about where I want to live, not what mattered to HIM or even the kids. She told me this our first visit, but I was still unable to 'hear' what she was saying. I wasn't ready to accept that yet. But yesterday and today, I did. I left our session with a sense of relief, FINALLY realizing that this was my chance to recreate LIFE for ME. Not him, not our parents, friends or colleagues. BUT FOR ME.
IT WAS LIBERATING TO SAY THE LEAST.
We ended up coming up with a temporary solution, in order to pare down the conflict that is ensuing.
I am going to find an apartment for a short term lease, less that six months, that we will rotate in and out of while the divorce is in process. I can find this apartment anywhere I like, it is completely up to me. STBX will pay the rent and we will split the bills, or whatever that means.
The kids will stay where they are, in the current marital home, and nothing will change for them except for the fact that we both will not be here together anymore, unless we agree to it.
STBX will have the kids Wed/Thur and I will have them Mon/Tues. We will then alternate weekends, with our time ending at 3PM each Sunday.
That is all I have to report.
Thanks for ALL of your support, even if if some of your words were met by me with tears.