I Hate Him, I Hate Him, I Hate Him

So we were supposed to have court on Tuesday. He was supposed to move out. Well, STBX hired a lawyer yesterday and now the whole case has to be rescheduled. He told me that his lawyer says it will take about 6 months for everything to be complete and he shouldn't move out until then. He said that if I leave I can not take the kids with me without his consent (which he will not give). So I am trapped for 6 more months in this **** situation. I don't know why he trying so hard to hold his claim on this piece of crap house. Part of his P/A behavior was to promise to make repairs but never do them. We have a front door that won't close so we have to use a deadbolt attached to the frame. We have unfinished floors, a fence that fell down a year ago, a broken shower, no front yard, and gaps in the fascia which allow animals into our attic. Because of the neglect the house is now worth significantly less than what we paid for it. Hell, it's unsellable. The only reason I agreed to stay here is because we agreed that it would be less stressful on the kids to stay in their home (and I have people who would help me fix it up if he weren't here). Now I can't even leave if I want to.

To top it off, I asked him to agree to a parenting schedule because he likes to play with the kids when he feels like it but never take responsibility for them. He said he wants them every weekend. I explain that I also deserve time to do fun things with the kids so we needed to alternate weekends and he should take some weekdays to get his time with them. He went on and on about how he is too busy to get the kids to school or help with homework. Basically refusing any responsibility. Then, when I refuse to agree to his weekend thing, he said he is going for full custody. So you can't possibly care for them and that means you should have them all the time? I feel like I'm going insane!!!
Maleficent77 Maleficent77
31-35, F
12 Responses Jan 19, 2013

I know it's difficult, but you have to put your emotions aside. You have to be matter of fact. Concentrate on what is best for your kids. Don't show anger or aggression. By playing it by the book you will come out on top. God bless!

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. To clarify, I do have a lawyer but I hired him at a flat rate based on an 'amicable divorce'. I'm going to have to call him on Monday and say that I need more aggressive representation. I started recording everything yesterday.
And baz, you have no idea. STBX was in such a good mood last night. Guess he got his way. He tried to sit down and talk to me about his day, asked me if I needed him to pick me up anything from the store, told me I didn't need to sleep in the guest room (he is apparently telling himself that I've been sleeping there so as not to disturb him because him getting enough rest is SO important). He is staying and has gone into full on denial, we are a happy family, mode. It is so hard not to fall into it, because it is just easier to play along. The one thing that I am still doing for him is keeping his secret. He has not told any of his family that we are divorcing so things like my FB page, that they can see, still act like we are married. I think it's time to cut this last bond.

Use this knowledge as a bargaining tool. "If you will be cooperative about the divorce, no-one else needs to know that you cannot have sex with your wife."

No doubt he will be VERY quick to try and blame you for the sexlessness - you know what to expect!! You are too fat, too thin, don't wear his favourite colour cerise, refuse to clean out the greenhouse daily - what we call on ILIASM the "failed to solve the crisis in the Middle East" attack!

If he threatens such things ("I'll make sure everyone knows it is YOUR fault!") then smile pityingly and just nod your head slowly . . . . You could add "I'm sure YOU believe that is the truth" - but resist the temptation to add to that! He WANTS to provoke an argument - he WANTS you to insist it is NOT our fault. If you do neither, he cannot get his wish . . . .

So treat the issue as "more in sadness than in anger" - avoid threats. Use words like "I'm sure it is very upsetting for you that you cannot have sex with your own wife" and "I'm sure people who care for you will be understanding of your problem".

If necessary, ensure that he knows that his continuing resistance to a fair, equitable and reasonable settlement of your divorce WILL result in you telling everyone from the neighbours to the guy who services his car that he "can't get it up". Make sure you don't just threaten this. Tell himyou will be "forced to use everything possible in order to get a fair outcome" if he refuses to play ball. And that one of the things you will not HESITATE to use is this fact. BUT!! That you would prefer orespect his privacy and will NOT use it "unless you leave me no alternative" . . . .

Sleeping in the guest room so *he* can get the rest he so badly needs and deserves? Oooo, aren't you just so thoughtful! This is what my H thought, too. Nothing could possibly be wrong with sleeping in different beds, so this *must* be the right explanation. Fiddling while Rome burns. . .

I like your style, enna!

How frustrating! I always wonder exactly what is their angle when people behave this way?
In our state I know the police could technically not do anything if one parent took the children and moved out-unless a judge specified they could not. You might want to ask your lawyer about the laws in your state regarding that- and find out if it would negatively impact a custody hearing. Although, I don't see how it could since you would be acting in the kids best interest.
In any case, try your best to put a positive spin on the situation. If he is an active parent, use his presence to your advantage. Go out in the evenings (join a club or a class or hang out with your girlfriends!).
I would also find a spot in the house and make it my own personal retreat. Some floor pillows, incense, journals (for meditation and reading or just getting away).
I have such a space in my house that I created (it's small and only part of a room). I put up some frilly girly wallpaper and decorated that area with things I like to look at and it has just been my own personal escape. I think you deserve some personal space right now.

M - I can't tell if you have an attorney or not yet? If not, get one! What your STBX is pulling sounds similar to what I've been going through with mine. Right now, without court orders, you cannot force him to leave the house, nor are you really allowed to take the kids and move out. At least that I'm aware of. However, you could file a restraining order against him to FORCE him to move out, but again, this requires court involvement. If he is stalling the process, then you have to be the one to speed it up. Sorry, but that's the truth. Thats what I had to do with my STBX the other day in mediation. Primarily, it was to sort out temporary orders in regards to custody and living srrangements between STBX and I in order to minimize conflict and begin the separation process You can do this with a mediator or court. It may take six months to finalize, but not to begin the process, that it BS. Get a lawyer, or go straight to court. Check into your local family laws to see what you can or cannot do. You should not be held prisoner in your home, nor should he be allowed to have zero responsibility. ((hugs))

Divorce...it can bring the true ugly out of people. Hang in there during this storm and don't give into his antics. Be strong for you and your kids. Easier said than done... I know.

GOOD for you!!! What you say is right!Get your parents and lawyer's support...he is bullying you for the house!Don't let go of it...he is trying to frigthen you with the kids....pretend you are not concerned.THey want to get the property and you stupid to look after the children fully and he play with them!...so don't be stupid!{A third person...pastor or parents visiting will upset his plans!

Not clear whether you have a lawyer, but if not you need one right now. Don't let this delaying tactic mess things up for you. Stick to your guns and you may find a judge agrees with you.

If you follow what Sister enna suggests - to let all the emotional air out of the balloon and do not engage on any "we" level - there is no way in the world he can last 6 months in an atmosphere where his bullshit is not being fueled.

What you describe is a typical last ditch "empty the gun" at you. He has nothing to lose by chucking everything at you just to see what sticks, and to provoke you into engaging at "we" level.

You might have to hang tough for the 6 months, but personally, I reckon his tolerance level will be greatly disappated in a couple of weeks. Refusives are not re-known for their pro-active traits. They are essentially "re-active" creatures, and an atmosphere where there is nothing to "re-act" to proves to be entirely unfullfilling.

Tread your own path.

I am so very sorry. Please listen to what enna says, her advice below is invaluable.

I would add, try to spend as much time out of the house as possible; that means take the kids out to your siblings, parents etc to visit, or friends. Have lots of playdates for them - away from teh house.

This is really sh*tty, but better you get him away from you and the kids NOW - this year - than waiting any longer and wasting any more of your life.


Seek your lawyer's advice. This is likely a common ploy of STBX spouses and there may be ways to counteract it. I see NO reason why it should take six months - and your lawyer will probably agree. More likely he has told his lawyer to spin it out as LONG as he can . . .

Also consider seeing a doctor and / or psychiatrist regarding your health. The ongoing stress of living in such a volatile and impossible siuation WILL take its toll. But you might also find a sympathetic medico who will assist you in your divorce by saying you need him OUT of the house for the sake of your wellbeing and that of the children.
Play this one carefully in case it plays into his hands in some way ("you are mentally unstable. . . ").

If the time cannot be avoided, then consider immediately STOPPING doing anything for him. Inform him that he must buy and cook his own food, wash his own clothes, etc. etc. Tell him that from today he has room mate status for real. This will involve him caring for himself AND contributing to the household in terms of housework etc.

Keep a diary that you faithfully complete each day in which you record his interactions (or NON-interactions!) with the children. Include your OWN interactions.

For example:
"Asked X to drop children at school - he refused because of . . . .
I picked up chn from school, took them shopping to buy G his newbasketball shoes.
Asked X to supervise M in the bath, while I cooked dinner. He told G to do it."

In other words, DOCUMENT every single thing he does / does NOT do with the children. Because this could be used in court, do NOT add any emotional words or opinions. Simply state in black and white what he did and what he said. AVOID using words like "unstable", or "hysterical" or anything else that can be challenged as your
"emotional over-reaction" - even if it is true!!!!! DATE everything - that is why a diary format is invaluable. IF you can recall the time it occurred, include that. List any witnesses to the event - visitors, children's playmates, neighbours, shop assistants . . . .

STOP playing "nice" but do not do ANYTHING that can be construed as mean, disrespectful or threatening. Treat him with politeness and with the respect you would accord a stranger who is living in your house. Do not ask his opinion about things, compliment him, advise him or argue with him.

If he seeks to engage you, tell him you have no opinion on the matter. Or that you cannot discuss it as you are too busy with the children . . .

DOCUMENT all this:
"He went on and on about how he is too busy to get the kids to school or help with homework. Basically refusing any responsibility. Then, when I refuse to agree to his weekend thing, he said he is going for full custody. So you can't possibly care for them and that means you should have them all the time?"

And remember. He WANTS to drive you crazy. That is his intention. Do not give him the satisfaction. Tell yourself "in the interests of the rest of my life, I can play it cool for six months". If he tries to provoke you over the time it takes, simply say something ike "Well, I trust the courts to make the best decision possible for our children. I'm sure you agree with me that they are the most important consideration in all this."

By NOT playing his game, he may get heartily sick of it much earlier than six months . . . !! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry. I'm so glad I have no children. I'm not at your point yet, but I believe I'm heading that direction. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Sounds like slavery to me. I am so sorry!

Agggh! What kind of ******* would force his kids to live in this kind of house, with this amount of tension, just to **** off his wife.

A surprisingly large amount of spouses (male and female) do horrendous things to hurt their partners at the expense of the children. It's a sad reality. :(