If This Desert's All There'll Ever Be, Then Tell Me What Becomes Of Me

The reason why I wrote my first post (Raising $ for the Victims of Lingerie, and thanks for all the comments) was that it was my WTF moment, and it stunned me. She told me she shouldn't have had to wear lingerie or do anything she didn't want to do, as she was not that type of woman. I replied that sometimes with sex we do things the other person would like. She looked at me as if it was the strangest statement ever said.

Background, my view only, it covers decades, and there is some content that is sexually explicit:

I ignored the red flag of why a mid-twenty woman would be sexually inexperienced and never to have used birth control, even though she was not very religious and still not. From the beginning until now gifts for my birthday etc. have been bought with little thought, effort, and expense. I listened well but it was not always easy to talk to her as she would usually cut off my first sentence or drift into her own thoughts, and that continues to now. She was a terrible cook, but she was very athletic, attractive, smart, unpretentious, enjoyed dancing, great with children and I was madly in love.

No sex on our wedding night, not much on our honeymoon, considerable before the pregnancy, not much otherwise, she sometimes would chatter on about daily activities while we were having sex. After our child she did not want to have sex in case of another pregnancy, I had a vasectomy, then she repeatedly developed various ailments, most of which the doctors could not figure out, that did not allow her to have comfortable sex regardless of the amount of foreplay but she still could play lots of sports. I actually considered if she might be a closet lesbian but she didn't seem to invest any extra time away from sports. She did not want to ever talk about sex as she said talking about it made it worse. After a few sessions of martial counselling we had to quit as she got too emotional. I tried all the usual solutions, such as giving her massages without expecting anything afterwards. A doctor recommended using lots of lube which made intercourse feasible again. Our rule was that she would tell me whenever she was willing to do it, since me asking always got a no.

I tried to be the best husband, maximum attention etc., but there was little change. She did not want to take holidays without our kid with us 24/7. Bought Joy of Sex book, she never opened it, wrote erotica, she never read it, bought toys, she wanted nothing to do with them. Often we had the dead fish ****, and oral sex on me sometimes had her watching TV at the same time and not moving her head or body at all. I drank too much, immersed myself in work and hobbies, and ignored her.

When our kid was a late teen, I made initial moves to separate as part of my mid-life crisis, she promised changes, I cut back on work, we took holidays, did many activities together, and became empty-nesters. I had what I thought was the best sex of our lives for several years. In addition she was ************ for the first time, and seemed to enjoy sex both with me and by herself.

Over a few years the sexual frequency and her shown interest declined, exacerbated by the focus on the illness of each of our moms and other family concerns. She went through menopause, and then developed health problems with moving around, and although she still works, there is now the complete drought, no sexual activity of any kind including no touching, except for lots of hugs and kisses. We say I love you to each other several times a day. She strongly prefers that I throw out my few toys and small **** collection that I have hidden away for myself. She is adamantly opposed to me outsourcing my needs.

I'm been seeing a therapist for the last few months, and she strongly feels I should not confide in the therapist, only her, and that she doesn't see any point in seeing a therapist with me or by herself. A friend of hers had a therapist that told her to leave her passionless marriage, which she did, and my wife worries my therapist will recommend that course of action for me.

The reason why my wife telling me about feeling obligated was my WTF moment is that I had thought the period where she was sometimes using lingerie was the best sex of our lives, and it turns out it was a mirage. The whole ******* thing has been a mirage.
something2talkabout something2talkabout
51-55, M
2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

If she prefers to take a selfish and simplistic position of being - " not that type of woman", then your counter is - "I am not the kind of guy who is going to stay with the type of woman you actually are" and act accordingly.

Really though, the "me" just screams out of your story. I couldn't find any evidence of "we" in it anywhere.

I know what I reckon you should do, I reckon you know what you ought do too.

Tread your own path.

<p>The important thing about the WTF moments are that we confront the awful reality of them, and start acting in our own interests at last. I felt your last post was all too true, and you were still incredulous (as befits the insanity).</p><p>It sounds like your best route is to continue individual therapy, and if you want, you can blame it all on that. Get out of jail. For good.</p><p>As we are saying on this board right now - there is no we.</p>