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My Painful Discovery Thank God I Have An Exit Plan

This morning i found out news that at the moment has me physically sick. I am sitting at work trying to calmly hold it together. I'll give you a bit of back story as to recent events and my discovery.

August last year i bought my wife a V8 Super Drive Pass for her birthday. She is a huge rev head and i thought if she got to drive a race car for a day it would be a great experience.

Now she had a year to claim this offer and August, September, November, December, were very quite months at work. Instead she booked it in January 19th. Unfortunately due to work and the fact i am taking this Wednesday off for my birthday i coudn't go. I felt horrible that she went alone.

So fast foward to after the race day in the evening something felt off. I asked her how her day was and what she got up to and she said afterwards she had lunch at a Cafe alone. Knowing she is not the type to stop off at a cafe alone to eat my ears pricked up, red flag number 1. The next day we went shopping and i noticed she had a passcode on her phone. Red Flag number 2. I asked her as to why she needed a passcode and she took it off saying she put it on there to stop our kids from accessing it as they play app games and flaten her battery.

Funny thing is she never had the code two days ago and our kids have been away on holidays with her parents for the last week.

I kept quite and decided i'll set the trap. Over the weekend on Sunday i had a sporting commitment. I secretly placed a voice activated electronic recorder hidden in one of our cars.

I went off to my sporting activities where she stated she will go shopping. She rings me about half hour later wanting to know if my game is called off due to bad whether. Red Flag Number 3 chasing me for my whereabouts.

After coming home on Sunday i asked her how was shopping and why she didn't pop into my game as she had stated. She replied that she went to three different shopping centres. Funny thing is she came home with nothing. Also i came home and found her in the shower.

She had a shower that morning so Red Flag number 4. She gave me some excuse that she faked tan her legs and she had blotches she had to wash out.

Red Flagged number 5 was when she hopped out of the shower and she literaley pounced on me and had wild sex.

Come this morning i wake up early go to the car and pull the voice recorder out and hide it in my work bag. Once she leaves for work i pull it out and my world fell apart. 11 minutes in she calls an unknown bloke saying she will be meeting him in 20 minutes. I then heard the call she made to me checking on my obvious wherabouts. He then calls her again where i establish they met at the Race Day and she told him not to worry as she had taken the phone off blue tooth so i couldn't access the car call log. I later heard her on the way home he called her to check if she was ok and sorry for the rush where she apologised to him for having to rush home than they made fun of me saying she is not in trouble as i dont have a clue and still at my game. The call finishes with damn you should of stayed longer so i can hit a home run. She responds i already hit a home run. So they decide they will meet each other again Tuesday or Thursday.

To say my heart was ripped out would be an understatement. My first thoughts were to ring her at work and let loose but calmness got the better of me. So i sucked it all up went to work transfered any joint money to my personal account, asked the payroll officer to change my pay details and cancelled her access to my credit card.

Wow now i sit and contemplate on how to handle this. As much as it hurts i am trying to keep a calm head and make informed logical decisions. I honestly dont know how to confront her as i know she will gas light me and trickle truth me but at the end of the day i know whats up. Also i dont plan on telling anyone yet and was planning to hold onto the evidence and embarrase her in front of family. I haven't made up my mind on that one yet.

Any advice on how to confront her will be appreciated it. I honestly dont know how i am going to deal with this yet depending on how truthful she is but i do know if she trickle truths me or gas lights me it would seal the nail in all the marital possessions kids and all.

Thank God i have an exit strategy and some cash saved away which she doesn't know about for this very rainy day.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978 31-35, M 65 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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IF YOU SPENT 1/2 THE TIME WOOING AND COURTING YOUR WIFE AS YOU DID SETTING HER UP YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE AN ISSUE TO DEAL WITH!!!

what the **** you stashing $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ for ....... She ought to **** around on you ....

But what i dont get, all that time since 2000, he had a girlfriend, and she died in oct 2013. And now, he wants me to obey him?

What are you talking about?

Wow, my husband did the same to me, about credit cards.
I want to go to work, control my own money. And start having independently on my own. I want to be able to leave him without worrying where i am going to live and survived.

Sorry to hear of the betrayal - what is your status now? Did you jump ship or are things "in work"?

Wow.
At least you outsmarted her!
Good move to pull out the cash to your personal account.

Because of a current post, i was made aware of your story. i am so very sorry that you were hurt like this. Sadly, you now know the hurt caused by a partner's outsourcing. We are way too cavalier here in our group, about the way we suggest that people just go off and outsource. We really need to think about the effects of what we write.

Sexual betrayal, is a huge kick to the soul of a person. I hope that my brief message finds you in a better situation, and in a more trustworthy situation, or at least creating a way to make that happen very soon.

Thanks for your encouragment. I am doing fine now. I recently saw a story of another man here who had discovered proof of an affair and he was just going to shred the evidence and pretend nothing happened.

His attitude stirred up some feelings in me. Thanks again for the support

Umm....how cynical we all are. You had a stash you kept from her BEFORE you found out about the affair ?. Mate your marriage was in trouble long before the actual act. Moving forward, your actions to get out were right. My perspective, there are NO second chances if you do the dirty. In saying that, I assume you have no kids, cause if you do, and you cut the mother of your children off the money then thats just wrong brother. But if no kids, I still don't agree with it, but if you want to hurt her thats what you did. Bu the way, I learnt nothing hurts a woman more then your ability to survive and get over them, to get past the money and the posessions even its in their favour. After 19 years I agreed on a 65% split to my exwife and $3,000 a month in child support, and she in turn agreed to not go for spousal support. Now I have 2 kids out of child support (I pay them directly now), the last child will be out at the end of the year and I will be truely free of my ex. Shes threatened to seek spousal support but can't because she signed her right away and she had a year to challenge it and that ran out 2 years ago. She never understood the long term strategy, to remove any tie I had with her except as the mother of my kids. Yeah, it was tough some times money wise, and its bloody tough when you hear about them going for holidays and cruises knowing its on the money you paid for your kids...but you stay calm and wait, because now Im 45 with 30 years in front of me, Ive got healthy happy kids who love me and their mum and Im free. PS: What happened ??

Don't confront her - just vanish and have divorce papers served, refer everything she sends you to her lawyer. It might seem like it would be satisfying to tear her apart verbally, but all you would really be doing is creating a situation where you might do or say something stupid she can use against you.

Get a lawyer, tank her ***.

I feel for you , this is just cruel.
Did you opt for gathering evidence rather than preventing something happening ?
I wouldn't recommend embarrasing her in front of friends or family, that will also make you look bad.
Save it ...tell her..the fear of it coming out will be worse than the actual embarrasement. Hopefully you never need to show it.....no other woman will think highly of you for airing dirty laundry !
Good luck.

Hey! Frustrated I hope all is well I wish you the best!! Brother don't do anything crazy stay cool let the law work it for you. Hide your money! !!!
Your story has made all of us open our eyes and keeps on our toes. It is true your worst enemy can be sleeping next to you!!!
Some times I wonder what is love??

WRT Red Flag #5: Just an observation. I've always found that when one of my ladies went off and had sex with another man, it gave a huge boost to their sexual interest in me.

I've always enjoyed it as a perk. But then, none of them went behind my back, cheating, or lying to me about it. None of them had cut me off in the first place. Those would have been the deal breakers for me.
I wish, I wish, I wish my wife would get the hots for someone else and have an affair, because I know what would happen in our bedroom. Well, little hope of that.

Frustrated, can you update us on this situation? I'm sure many regulars here, like me, are concerned for you and want to know how things are going for you. Sending you warm wishes for a satisfactory outcome - whatever that is. {{{hugs}}}

So sorry to hear about what happened, mate. I'm glad to see that you remained calm and lawyered up. You gave me good advice in the past so I'm sure you'll be on the mend soon enough and will be free to find a good woman that doesn't treat you like crap. Your kids will no doubt be better off in the long run too. Stay strong, dude.

Wowzers!! That is terrible!? Have you confronted her yet? Are you going to try and forgive her and work it out?! How long have you been married?! And I'm sorry :(

Don't do anything drastic or mean. She is in the wrong. Keep it that way. When it's all said and done, you dont want anyone to say you did something equally as messed up. Keep the negative focus on her. Good luck and stay strong!

I Been there, done that, got the T shirt. If you can forgive Her and move on. more power to you. You need to confront Her and get the truth. But sometimes it may hurt to forgive, but a wife gets a pass on a lot of bull. Girlfriends get nothing.

Why do wives get a pass and girlfriends get nothing? Would you mind sharing the why of that...would love to learn the meaning etc

Having read your own replies to this very very rough story - I can honestly say I think you have behaved admirably. It seems obvious to me that "future you" will look back in any number of years and be exceptionally proud of how you have handled this.

Keep on keeping on. Tough circumstance -> tough choices. And you're toe to toe with them. Good on you.

You should be retaining a divorce lawyer and seeking their counsel. It would of course help to inventory (to the best of your abilities) your joint assets, at least the things you want to keep under consideration. Tag each asset with an estimated value. A friend of mine did this when he told his wife he wanted a divorce, gave her a copy of the spreadsheet (600 line items) so that there's no contesting what's what.

It should be pointed out that any side which tries to hide or otherwise tuck away assets so that the other side cannot access them will likely discover that during the settlement things will get divided up pretty evenly. You might be able to protect your bank account short-term, but don't hold your breath long-term. Regardless, it's wise to work towards separating banking and other things; any asset or billing system which has both your names on it will benefit from that split. Of course, any title/deed such as a car or a house will be quite a bit less trivial to address, but that'll all shake out with lawyers and such. The court does take note of when you say you became separated, and doing things like opening a new bank account under just your name will be evidence of that.

Ugh, what a sickening feeling. Keep your chin up. Brighter days ahead.

First **** the **** out of her good using her guilt to take it any way you want. Tie her up and do her *** and leave her covered in ***. Whatever floats your boat... do that and more. Video it. It may be the last time.<br />
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After that, it depends what your goal is now. If you want her gone, talk to a lawyer and private eye. Never let on to her. If you want her back but aren't sure if that is what you want, I'd take a different strategy. Embarrassing her in front of family or online will make you look petty and weak. You need to appear the exact opposite. Stone cold tough. I would not confront her or give her the pleasure of a heated argument. After making back-up copies of the tape, calmly place all her things in the yard and change the locks when she is gone. Deal with the lawyer and police next. She may have a legal right to get back into the house, but make it her problem to prove it. Always stay calm. Only afterwards, speak to a lawyer. Only if she calls the police, deal with them, playing them the tape. After she moves in with family, friends, or boyfriend, you move on. Go out on dates even with girls you don't like. Get laid by some ugly fat chicks if you have to. Have your families watch the kids and they'll figure it out. You need to forget about her as much as possible, but also have to never initiate contact or indicate in any way that you think the marriage can be saved. That's the only way to get her to respect you or become attracted to you again.<br />
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If she comes back, wait until she crawls and begs. Never let on how you know or how much. Make her tell everything, assuming she has had multiple affairs for several years with different men. If she can't come clean with more than you know and admit that she has probably been a two-faced manipulative **** her whole life, she's still playing you and you have to reject her. She may never come completely clean. If she does, you accept her back with her acceptance that she is on probation. You will have passwords and access to all accounts. She will not go anywhere without your permission. She will in short, do everything you say without question. If she loves you and really wants you back, she'll agree to all this. If she doesn't accept your terms, you know she is just wanting to play you again. You must believe in yourself that you are reasonable, fair, honesty and worth it in order to come off as calmly confident not as upset, afraid and suspicious. You sound like a smart, methodical guy, so you will be able to keep her in her place and twist her around your finger from here out if she goes for it. Just make sure to **** the hell out of her making her do stuff she doesn't want to. You'll feel better, she'll feel better for making it up to you, and she experience that you are the man now.<br />
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FYI... If she went on a fling in a few days with someone she met once, then she has been cheating before. You can probably gather this by how calmly she talks to him and how well thought out her strategies are. If you agree, you can really only see her as a **** toy from now which is fine because a man can live a satisfactory life with **** toys.

Jeez. "JohnyWhoozle" is back, under another name !!!

WTF, why would you stoop to that level..idiot.

The high road is to leave. He's "stooping" by choosing to stay. If he's going to stay, he at least better enjoy it and stand up for himself. I guess you prefer him to roll over and play "nice boy?"

BTW... I think everyone gave up on this guy. In subsequent posts, he did exactly the opposite of what everyone told him and later admitted to having been the one to cheat on her first... multiple times. So, I kind hope he did stay and try to play "nice boy", get taken advantage again and wind up frustrated and rejected. He started the whole mess.

I hope you get through this situation. Do not give up.

Stay strong and keep the faith. I too am going through some really rough times w/my husband. Praying for you and your children. Hugs to you

I experienced something very similar in my first marriage. I'd been in denial for many years about my husband's fidelity...and I might have continued to ignore his lack of it except he treated me so badly. The short story is I also did some recording and caught him on tape arranging trysts and also, like you I was subjected to ridicule. I saved the tapes (which he begged me for), then I hid his guns (he had threatened me with them before). It took months for me to move my clothes and household items out of the house, literally under cover of darkness. Then.... I ran like hell. Unfortunately I left without joint funds (I was never allowed access to money or accounts). But I was safe, and believe it or not I was happy. I slept on the floor for a good long time and it was the best sleep I'd had in years. Best of luck to you....

I know a private investigator who will get the job done quickly. Do not tell her or let her know what you know. 336-908-4625. John Callicutt

You are permitted to read the back story and profile brother privateyenc, in fact, unless you want to make a **** of yourself it is a real good idea to do that. What is this private eyes swimming skills like ? Will he swim the Pacific Ocean to consult with the OP ?

Don't tell her crap. Put the recorder in her car, find out as much info as you can......then play the recordings on her Facebook, outgoing voicemails, everywhere.....sorry I'm a bit spiteful but my god, why be married?...

LOL!!!

I know the feeling, been there. Right now nothing is probably helping all the feelings you are going through because it is all fresh. But one thing to remember when you take each and every step you make by foot or every turn you make in your car, just try and have faith because God said, he will never give us anything we cant handle. Get closer to him , and trust me I am no one to be saying that too, but I know he will help . It may seem like there is no way, but having faith, God will make a way to walk you through this and you may not even realize untill you are still. much love and prayer for you ............

Seems to me that the Deity has done his job. Gave Brother F a couple of clues and a couple of tools to use, and had enough confidence in Brother F that he could figure the rest out himself.

In an emotionally charged environment, it is the person who keeps their cool who carries the day.
It is most likely that the person best placed to keep their cool is the one who has prepared best for the situation.
It is most likely that the person who has prepared best for the situation is the one who recognised the situation for what it was / is first.
Tick.
Tick.
and Tick.
You ticked all those boxes Brother F.
Well done.

Now, the next bit. Those same principles - recognition of the facts / preparation / coolness - will serve you just as well through the next stage which will likely be the "negotiation process.

The same principles will work in the stage after that too. And the one after that. And the one after that.

Tread your own path.

What a stupid *** reply. You are making yourself look like the real **** in this thread.

Odd choice of name "smart"!! Especially for someone who does not even read the OP's story or the thread . . . .

Sorry you are going through this. Place a GPS tracking device on her car and track her routes. If you are sure that she is going to meet up on Tuesday or Wednesday, take the days off from work without telling her. The track he whereabouts. Good luck but it is probably over.

It is permissable to read the full thread Brother smartz. In fact unless you wish to make a **** of yourself, it is mandatory.

Frustrated, I'm so sorry for this. I read your story, and it is quite similar to mine, from several years ago. I was in shock, at first, and felt rage. I'd waited YEARS, and my reward (because I thought in those karmic terms) was that my loyalty and torment had earned me nothing.

I went through about three months of insanity. I could actually feel the crazy happening, my senses warping. I woke up from shrieking nightmares 3 times a night. I went through periods of an insane desire to "take her back" sexually, and periods of horrific heart clutching torment and revulsion. I sat on the step of my house every day for a half hour to muster the gumption to walk in and face my kids. I thought people could tell I was a cuckold, just by looking. I wondered how many of our friends knew already and were involved in actively hiding it. I fixed on the strangest of details. I wanted to bang on the windows of parked cars to tell them to stop shagging, that it was wrong and they should go home to their spouses. But I also knew it was crazy, at the same time, and breathed through it.

My first action, right away, was to contact the partner's spouse.I figured an ally might help. It didn't work out quite the way I wanted, but it was still the right move to out the whole thing to all vested parties. Let's birth the baby and see how ugly it really is, instead of just me. This wasn't a vindictive thing necessarily. It was about authenticity for me. Because I realized I was facing a fantasy predicated on the idea that there was no cost for their choice. And that was wrong.

It took some time after to embark on a plan, and it eventually came to separation, at which point we chose to explore some other options that helped, though they brought their own complications.

Stay cool. Correct stance is professional contempt until your head gets screwed on back again. You are dealing with a co-parent now, and neither of you should diminish that role. It's going to be a valuable one to your children. It's unrealistic to see her as an ally right now, but she eventually will be if it works out best.

If it helps at all... I wonder...
The most overwhelming feeling I had at the time was that the person I loved did not exist anymore. That there was a palpable break. A loss so profound it is hard to explain unless you've been there. Not just of disappointment, but more akin to death. Of finding out your best friend for ten years was a schizo illusion you dreamed up. Such an intense desire to rewind and find the person I married because I didn't know who this person was, that was wearing her skin, and the mind-**** that the whole time, this person was waiting there. I remember looking at her, and it was a stranger staring back. A creepy feeling, living in the same house with this person, wearing her skin. This person I didn't know, but that I would have to get to know.

I wonder if you can use that feeling for positive effect. Detachment and objectivity. Mourn the wife you lost. Take the time to do that, privately. Think back to a happy time, before all this crap. Something simple (not your wedding), and mourn the loss of that person, because she's gone.

Whoever this person is in your house right now?
Pretend she is a divorced lady and you've been taking care of her kids for a long time and love them, but haven't met her yet.

The standard of relationship you have going forward, begins now, with a stranger.

Mourning the death of a relationship and waking up with a stranger. Really good perspective.

Thanks for your support. You are right she is not the girl i married. The girl i married would of never made fun of me behind my back.

I keep listening to the audio to remind myself just how cunning and nasty she is. She made her bed now she can face the legal **** storm that awaits.

That's a really good way to put it... she's a different person, replacing the person you know. She's probably been this way her whole life... I think we all know this. Perhaps she was able to bury the bad parts of herself for a few years, but it was always there. It's like you said earlier... you fell for a facade, just a sliver of who the person really was. Now the reality has taken over and your wife is gone.

FYI... I luckily found out about a woman this way before it got too serious. I still have the conflicting emotions, but nowhere near like if I had married and had kids. Can't imagine it.

I'm going to say something that you are not ready to hear yet, and many here will not be able to hear it. And that is, the person we fall in love with is not *ever* the person who exists. We are all capable of levels of sadism and self interest, to which our partners are not party.

In time, depending on how this shakes out, you will come to understand the fuller, more realistic view of who this person is. And she, of herself.

That was one thing my wife had to finally accept and integrate into herself. That she was a person who did this thing and had it in her to do it.

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