My Painful Discovery Thank God I Have An Exit Plan

This morning i found out news that at the moment has me physically sick. I am sitting at work trying to calmly hold it together. I'll give you a bit of back story as to recent events and my discovery.

August last year i bought my wife a V8 Super Drive Pass for her birthday. She is a huge rev head and i thought if she got to drive a race car for a day it would be a great experience.

Now she had a year to claim this offer and August, September, November, December, were very quite months at work. Instead she booked it in January 19th. Unfortunately due to work and the fact i am taking this Wednesday off for my birthday i coudn't go. I felt horrible that she went alone.

So fast foward to after the race day in the evening something felt off. I asked her how her day was and what she got up to and she said afterwards she had lunch at a Cafe alone. Knowing she is not the type to stop off at a cafe alone to eat my ears pricked up, red flag number 1. The next day we went shopping and i noticed she had a passcode on her phone. Red Flag number 2. I asked her as to why she needed a passcode and she took it off saying she put it on there to stop our kids from accessing it as they play app games and flaten her battery.

Funny thing is she never had the code two days ago and our kids have been away on holidays with her parents for the last week.

I kept quite and decided i'll set the trap. Over the weekend on Sunday i had a sporting commitment. I secretly placed a voice activated electronic recorder hidden in one of our cars.

I went off to my sporting activities where she stated she will go shopping. She rings me about half hour later wanting to know if my game is called off due to bad whether. Red Flag Number 3 chasing me for my whereabouts.

After coming home on Sunday i asked her how was shopping and why she didn't pop into my game as she had stated. She replied that she went to three different shopping centres. Funny thing is she came home with nothing. Also i came home and found her in the shower.

She had a shower that morning so Red Flag number 4. She gave me some excuse that she faked tan her legs and she had blotches she had to wash out.

Red Flagged number 5 was when she hopped out of the shower and she literaley pounced on me and had wild sex.

Come this morning i wake up early go to the car and pull the voice recorder out and hide it in my work bag. Once she leaves for work i pull it out and my world fell apart. 11 minutes in she calls an unknown bloke saying she will be meeting him in 20 minutes. I then heard the call she made to me checking on my obvious wherabouts. He then calls her again where i establish they met at the Race Day and she told him not to worry as she had taken the phone off blue tooth so i couldn't access the car call log. I later heard her on the way home he called her to check if she was ok and sorry for the rush where she apologised to him for having to rush home than they made fun of me saying she is not in trouble as i dont have a clue and still at my game. The call finishes with damn you should of stayed longer so i can hit a home run. She responds i already hit a home run. So they decide they will meet each other again Tuesday or Thursday.

To say my heart was ripped out would be an understatement. My first thoughts were to ring her at work and let loose but calmness got the better of me. So i sucked it all up went to work transfered any joint money to my personal account, asked the payroll officer to change my pay details and cancelled her access to my credit card.

Wow now i sit and contemplate on how to handle this. As much as it hurts i am trying to keep a calm head and make informed logical decisions. I honestly dont know how to confront her as i know she will gas light me and trickle truth me but at the end of the day i know whats up. Also i dont plan on telling anyone yet and was planning to hold onto the evidence and embarrase her in front of family. I haven't made up my mind on that one yet.

Any advice on how to confront her will be appreciated it. I honestly dont know how i am going to deal with this yet depending on how truthful she is but i do know if she trickle truths me or gas lights me it would seal the nail in all the marital possessions kids and all.

Thank God i have an exit strategy and some cash saved away which she doesn't know about for this very rainy day.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978
31-35, M
57 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Oh, that's awful. So sorry.

I honestly don't have any idea how you should confront her or how to handle this. Just don't act too quickly. Wait 'till you are calm and can think clearly. Good luck.

<p>Frustrated, I am very sincerely sorry that you have had this awful experience. The ONLY good thing about it is that you now know for certain that your efforts to restore your marriage are not going to work - which leaves you free to make a new life for yourself. You are young and WILL find a future partner who wants everything from a relationship that YOU want.</p><p>On the subject of how to handle the situation, I encourage you to do this little exercise:</p><p>Pretend you are ten years down the track. The kids are now sixteen, You are happily living with / married to a wonderful woman. There may be more kids on the scene!!</p><p>You look back at this week. You see that you were polite, respectful, firm and honest (things she has NOT been!). You told her that her behaviour was a total deal breaker, how disappointed you were in her and that you were immediately setting a divorce in train.</p><p>You then said something like: "The kids are our main priority now. I am very angry and upset with you, but I want what is best for the kids - and I'm sure you do too. We need to work out how we can best co-parent them."</p><p>Or you look back on this week and remember how your anger (justified BTW!!) and fury lead you to be abusive, conniving, hurtful, rude, and any other negative quality you can think of! And you regret this very much, because it gave her all the ammunition she needed to justify HER behaviour!</p><p>"You can see how he treats me! No wonder I had to turn to another man. My boyfriend is the exact opposite - HE treats me with respect, kindnes, etc."</p><p>And the WORST Part of this? The kids will be fed this line too. They will believe their mother implicitly - because tthey are too young now to form their own opinions on this. And when they are teenagers they will blame YOU for the fact you and their mother are not together.</p><p>I URGE you very strongly to take the long term view and act accordingly. If you take the moral high ground in this, YOU will be the better person in every way. Your desire to "make her pay" for the breakdown of your marriage is very natural and normal, but it is not in YOUR long term interests. And it is not in your KIDS' intersts at all - either long or short term.</p><p>Please check out the postings of Blue Spruce. This man endured HELL. His (now ex) wife was setting out to KILL him! His behaviour in his separation was exemplary. And now he is happily with a new and loving partner.</p>

Enna thank you very much for your advice and support. You will be pleased to hear that i took the moral high ground last night.

I came home confronted her she denied than i pulled out the evidence. She originally went off on a tantrum on how dare i spy on her but i stayed calm and responded with you own this not me.

Last night i informed her that i was very hurt by her actions and yes it was a deal breaker and once i had time to process it all i would eventually seek out my lawyers and pay the retainer. I was calm and civil when i said this.

To be honest i think she was genuinely frightened at how calm i was. She mentioned several times she would feel better if i kicked and screamed.

So she knows when the kids come home she is now a co parent and needs to live and contribute to the household expenses.

I have already stated that if she was to move out we will work out a child support plan but she cried and pleaded for another chance.

Unfortunately for her that chance wont be forthcoming. Thanks for your support

Denial, then accusing you of being in the wrong. Sheesh.

I think you can already see the benefits of your calm and outward civility.

I am immensely proud of you! You are in the same age group (younger actually!) than my children,. so I hope you will accept what might seem to be my "maternalistic attitude"!

Over the years of my life I HAVE responded in the ways I now advise you (and others) to avoid. And the reason for my present advice, is that the "outburst and angry" response NEVER works out best in the long run.

Continue to take that moral high ground and hold onto the temptation to "let her have it". YOU will triumph with this approach. And a good session at the gym helps disperse some of those angry bitter feelings when you can't stand it any longer. {{{Hugs}}}

Frustrated - I was honestly so pleased with your reply. You're my hero.

1 More Response

That's terrible! You got her a nice gift and she used it to try and trick you. Well, get all the evidence you can and file for a divorce. You have the money to start over somewhat, and I bet you'll find a less selfish woman out there. You should try to get custody of your kids too, she'll raise them badly. Be up front with them about the divorce, as well. When I was six my parents divorced and tried to lie to me about it. I resented that. I hope everything goes well for you, and I really hope your wife gets the short end of the stick! :}

Keep the evidence , , get more, build it up, if you get a divorce she won't have rights to almost anything if you have solid proof she was unfaithful! Also try and spare the kids from the truth I've been the kid and its horrible what a truth like tht can do to us ..never mind affect our rellationships for the rest of our lives

I’ve just joined this site for the sole purpose of responding to this thread. My heart truly goes out to you brother, I felt painful just reading about your terrible discovery so you have my complete sympathies and encouragement in bringing things to a swift end. The affair is one thing but for her to take a perverse pleasure in her deception is just plain cruel and inhuman. I really hope you can learn to let go and move on with your own life, with your children, as this vile person does not deserve to be part of any loving family. I know I shouldn’t trash talk she who is still your wife but please, you sound a rational and level headed gentleman, you don’t deserve to have your emotions dictated to by someone as shallow as her. You and your kids deserve much better in life, stay strong my friend.

Thank you so much for your support. It is appreciated.

I have been there and I found out the same way you did. A recording in our car and then I found the horrid "I love you" texts to my husbands girlfriend/coworker. Then I hired a PI with my parents assistance because I was a stay at home mom to our two infant children and knew I needed proof for court records etc. I got to see the BLANTANT affection they showed for each other at work, the same workplace where everyone knew me and our kids. I was beyond disgusted. I gathered the needed documents and got a lawyer. I flew home to my parents with my kids and served both he AND his mistress divorce papers, with she listed as the "co-defendant" ...for lack of the correct legal term! I was advised not to confront him by my lawyer and I spent an entire WEEK watching him come and go as he pleased...unable to even say a word...before I left for my home state to be with my parents. That week was the hardest time of my life. I sat there helpless and afraid with two babies, no car, and no money, in the middle of my very first winter...away from my home in the south and living in his turf up north. I had never even seen snow and there I was with my kids completely alone during a blizzard! He just stopped caring. He threw away me and our kids for a girl who told him to get lost 2 weeks later! Believe will be okay in the end! I know the pain you are feeling and I promise you it gets easier! Hang in there.

Thanks for your support. I will be ok. I will rebuild and as long as i have my health, my kids, and my job i'll be just fine.

I will be much better off financially without her anyway. I am sorry for your situation i hope you are in a better place now.

Don't humiliate her in front of anyone. She needs to feel 100% caught in front of YOU, and only you.
Next step can be pretending to be at some other event - on Tuesday or Thursday, right? - and instead following her until you get the best evidence of her cheating.

Frustrated, I just wanted to send you well wishes. Having read your stories, I can understand the pain and sadness and anger you feel. I've been there. It may be hard to believe at the moment, but this will subside and you will heal. It is often our darker moments which require the best of who we are. Breathe and move forward and soon, though perhaps not right away, you will let go of this burden you are carrying. Be well.

Thanks for your support. I can honestly say i took the moral high ground last night and confronted her in a civil manner.

She knows it was a deal breaker and that eventually i will be paying a retainer to the lawyers. She is not happy about it but i am. It is like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

Just be prepared for the waves of mixed emotions and be wary of any rationalizing you give yourself to revisit either your decision or how you managed it. Keep to your exit strategy. The focus now is on checking off each task which helps you on your way out. Keep breathing and keep moving - the end of the tunnel will be in sight soon and the further you crawl, the lighter you'll feel. You can do this.

Be truthful to her. Express your pain and anger, perhaps with someone present to witness who can support both of you and help things from getting out of hand. Decide together if there is a desire to keep the marriage, and if so, what each of you needs to do to repair it. Notice I said each of you.

In the end, blame does not help.

I wish you peace.

I think it is best to confront her sooner than later.Maybe she hasn't gone all the way and that might not be as hard to take.She does want to go further it seems but I would get the conversation going very soon and then tell to go be with who she wants.
You get to be free again and you will meet someone again.I hope it goes well for you.

Oh, I was reminded by a comment below, about an account I read by someone who didn't want sex with their husband and was conducting a secret affair.

She gave him the minimal amount of sex she could get away with:

"to stop him squawking"

That is the most offensive part, to me, about this whole story. Not the affair in itself so much. The taking the shower to wash off another guy and then jumping on him. ick.

Just do what is necessary man, I dont think you need to humiliate her if not for who she is then out of respect for what you once had. I hope your near future changes for the better. Good luck and take care man.

Hi, So sorry this must be a terrible shock for you.
At all costs keep your cool as only that will help u to make the right choices.
I hope all goes well for you.
Please keep us posted as from what I have read here everyone is rooting for you and your children.

Please allow me a "do over". I had said OK, I have a totally off the wall comment that you are free to completely disregard:<br />
<br />
You posted "...literaley pounced on me and had wild sex."<br />
<br />
Where I am right now in my marriage, with my sad first thought would be that I had died and gone to heaven. I'd almost wonder if the ends would justify the means. Then I would come to my senses, wonder if the guy in her tryst had an STD, HIV or AIDS, then wonder if the b**ch was intent on giving me one of those as a "parting gift".<br />
<br />
However, the reality might be that she thinks she is pregnant and she had that wild sex to make you think the child was yours. Or, she is meeting a sex therapist to improve her relations with you. Or, she's a polygamist. Or, she's joined a softball league. Or, she's become a prostitute to make some extra money. The key thing seems to be that if there is a MAJOR change in my wife's behavior - regardless of how great it seems on the surface and how much I may have craved what she offers - I BETTER RUN LIKE HELL. <br />
<br />
Frustrated1978 - Thank you for the insight you have given me, though it took me a while for it all to register.

You said "Where I am right now in my marriage, with my sad first thought would be that I had died and gone to heaven. I'd almost wonder if the ends would justify the means."

F's wife was hoping for this same response and I'm certain she will be completely shocked when she finds out she's busted. That sex was meant to pacify him and at the time she probably thought it worked.

Understood. It would NEVER happen with my wife, so I don't expect to die and go to heaven anytime soon. I'd seriously consider letting her be a polygamist is she could ever have wild sex!

Frustrated1978 is clearly with a diferent woman than my wife.

The reality? What a slap in the face to buy her a present that turns into the end of the last hope for saving the marriage. Cruel and heartless.

Here's hoping that Frustrated1978 gets a quick divorce, unlimited visitation to the kids (or custody, even) and, frankly, a totally screwed up life for his ex-wife.

Don't talk about it.
Don't even engage.
Don't talk about the recording, just give a copy to your attorney.
She seems to be an incorrigible liar anyway, WHY ask her for her effed-up excuses?
You know she's just gonna bull$hit you.

...Don't argue, don't try to prove a point or anything else, personality-disordered types really never will take responsibility for their own behavior...
That's what she is, methinks.

...ANY emotional energy expended towards her is a waste. She's a waste.

You are so right. Thanks for your support

I do hope you can use your (entirely justified) anger to propel you to a different future.

A future which is hugely better.

Nothing to do with her, she's a CPOS who's done more or less the most contemptible thing you can do in a marriage IMO. Not the affair as such, but the sexless lying.

Treat her with absolute professional contempt, as you are planning.

Go home, pack an overnight bag for her, tell her you need time to think, you know she's cheated and there is no excuse. Don't blow up at her, l only say this because you have kids and its not fair on them. In times like this leave with your dignity in tact. Goof luck fella

I really like the advice of packing a bag for HER and telling her to get out! Good for the kids, because Frustrated1978 took the high ground and won't screw up the kids!

Still all is your thinking, why dont you ask her up...

Sorry for your experience. But it sounds like you are more excited about the demolition sequence and optimal damage and revenge than you are about fixing your marriage. Yes, everybody is entitled to feel hurt, angry, etc. But you have to know what it is that YOU really want. Be proactive instead of reactive. If you want to keep her, then work on fixing it. If you want out, take her to dinner and calmly tell her it is over. Don't do anything in front of the kids. Regardless what happens, you both will still be your children's parents and you have to have a united front and support them and act like adults. What she did is wrong. But you have the choice in how to respond to it in doing it the right way. Never let anybody make you respond in a way that diminishes your character. You will have more respect from your kids and colleagues for handling the situation with grace than mud slinging.

...I sincerely hope after all the crap she's pulled he DOESN'T want to fix it.


And telling someone what has happened is hardly mud-slinging, I think they could make up their own mind about the moral character of someone who does this to their spouses.

Not that I think that's a good idea, but he has every right to treat her with icy professionalism. He now knows who she is, what she is made of.

I know. But I have seen stranger things happen with friends who you would have bet were heading to divorce court and miraculously they worked it out. I still disagree that you should sink to anyone's level if you are truly above it. Yes, he has every right to treat her how he wants to and in the moment it may seem totally justified. But hindsight is 20/20 and he would probably feel better about taking the high road than living with regrets later. I personally would not give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she hurt him. I would say, it has come to my attention that I want a divorce. Instead of him not feeling good enough. Let her know she is the one who isn't good enough for him.

Frustrated....I am sorry that you are going through this painful situation. I have been away from EP for awhile. Beware! My H put a GPS in my car & I found a voice recorder in his bag. He assumed that i must be having an affair since i wanted to divorce him. He couldn't fathom the possibility that 13 yrs in a SM would make me want a divorce. My voice was not on the recorder. If it was, I would've pressed charges against my H. It is a felony in my state, to record someone without one of the parties involved being aware of the recording. I understand your desperation in doing such a thing. BUT... it may not be wise to let anyone know that you have done so.

My lawyer has stated that since the vehicle is in my name and the voice recorder is mine it is not against the law to have an active voice recorder in my vehicle.

Thanks for your support.

Keep it classy. She is still, and will forever be the mother of your children. Take the high road.

Dear F: I'm so sorry about this. You have truly and sincerely tried to work this out...she had denied you and denied you...and come to find out, she DOES like to have sex, just not with you.

Now that you know the truth, you have two choices: 1) Stay 2) Divorce. If you choose Option 1, know that she will likely stray again and you will have no leverage to get sex back in your life. From your stories, it seems that this was never an option anyway. If you choose Option 2, forget the revenge...just get the best lawyer you can and move along; no discussion or emotion. I like it that you're thinking of simply communicating with her through lawyers. Don't confuse her cheating with the real issue, which is the chronic sexlessness. And don't get bogged down in the drama. This is tempting, but it's most important that you focus on YOU.

So, many ILIASM posters want to know WHY. Now that you know why, does this make you feel any better? I'm gonna guess not...but maybe it does make it easier to resolve the situation by leaving, if that is what you choose.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing...


Thanks for your support. I have had most the day to think about this and i will probably just confront her with the evidence and leave it at that.

I have a very good law firm who have done other work for me in the past so i will probably pay the retainer for their best Divorce Lawyer and deal with it that way.

As far as i am concerned i will claim everything i am entitled too and now that our marriage has passed the 7 year Mark i am entitled to the $150,000 inheretence money she contributed to the deposit 6 years ago.

Find the nastiest lawyer you can. You're fighting an uphill battle. No revenge. It stays all with the lawyer. Get a P.I. and document the affair. Then, when the lawyer is confident, approach her with copies of the evidence and inform her that she lets go of it all - kids, money, house, everything- or the lawyer will have to seek out more evidence by calling her family, friends, and employer (if there is one). She forfeited her future involving you. But stay within the system.

That is the way i am leaning. If i can control my temper i will deal with her only through lawyers.

Lets put it this way she will find no compassion from me when the reality of the **** storm of her creation hits her.

Thanks for your support

Random, I live in the same jurisdiction as Brother F, and it is "no fault". In legal terms, the "why" and the "how" of who did what to whom and when don't matter a flying ****.

So right you are Bazz. All i can do is draw the line take the high road and let the lawyers deal with her.

I have had all day to mull on this and have decided i will just confront her tonight calmly with the evidence sit her down and play it to her.
After that i will get up go out and let her process what is about to happen.

Brother Bazz last time i had legal advice i was informed that becuase our marriage was under 7 years any potential split would result in her taking the first $150,000 as she put that in as a deposit thanks to an inheritance.

After speaking to my Lawyer today i am informed that the $150,000 is now out of play for her as the marriage had passed 7 years last November.

Mate i'm probably just going to take the high road and let the lawyers deal with it no screaming or anything just play back the evidence and leave it at that.


You are $75,000 to the good already then. Using some of that to grease the wheels of goodwill and amicability may be a really good investment mate.

1 More Response

OMG I am so sorry. so sorry sweetie.
i have no suggestions as of right now, haven't gotta clue on how to fix my life, sure a hell don't have anything wise to say.
But I'm glad you caught on so soon, you're a smart guy, you'll be ok.

<p>Depends on how you want to go about this brother F.</p><p>I could make all sorts of suggestions about how you could humiliate and shame your missus and make her exit out of your life as ignominious as possible. (At one time in my life I was very very good at "revenge")</p><p>However, whereas this might be a perverse bit of fun, would it be in your best longer term interests ??????? I suspect that it would not be. Most of us have quite enough enemies in this world and there is precious little point in creating fresh ones.</p><p>If you can carry it off without going ballistic, I would counsel you to put 'most' (but not "all") of the cards on the table of what you know and (I am assuming that this is a dealbreaker) and tell her you are leaving (or she is).<br />
I suspect (you may recall from the get go of your storys) that she may be further ahead of this game than you suspect, and may have her own plans pretty much in do-able shape too.</p><p>Likely, the discussion is going to be you teasing out just where she is up to in her exit, and her trying to figure where you are in your exit. There may be common ground in the middle, and maybe you can (both) proceed, if not amicably, then at least with as little ill will as possible.</p><p>Anecdote -<br />
- when I left I did my level best to do it on as good a terms as possible. If you were to judge that on the first few days after the discussion you would assess it as a failure, however, longer term it has worked out fine. To the extent that when I go to see my kids (and her) I am welcome to stay, and we have defined a new relationship. We are not enemies.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

Thanks for your input brother Bazz. Your opinion here is one i value. I will wait until i get home tonight than i will play back the recordings.

The rest will work itself out.

How do you plan to handle custody of the offspring?

{{HUGS}} I am so sorry she has done this.
I just scrolled through a bit of your past posts to get a feel of your situation (since I'm new) and the first thing I wonder is how long this has been going on with her. I cant imagine the range of emotions you are feeling right now and I'm so offended, for you, that she jumped you and had sex after that shower the other day. Wow!
Good on you for having an exit plan! You absolutely deserve better than this and I think you KNOW that (I hope you do).
I admire your will not to call her and blow up. Knowing me I would have driven 100mph to get to my husband and confronted in him in some severely mentally ill type way. SO- huge points for control go to you.
You have invested everything you are into this marriage and you deserve to know every detail that you want to know about this affair. Don't let her get out of answering your questions. She owes you the damn truth. Not sure how old your kids are but wait till they go to bed, pour yourself a glass of wine and tell you want to talk to her. Take the car keys and hide them before you do this so she can't just hightail it out of there in a huff when you confront her. Let us know how everything goes and I really wish you all the luck you're going to need tonight.

Thanks for your support. My kids are 6 they are twins. They are currently away holidaying with her parents so i dont need to worry about that aspect.

I plan to play it cool tonight until i get access to her phone. If i do i will find out who the other man is. And yes i will be dialling names under women as well. I am not that stupid.

She could however find out earlier if she checks the bank account as the transfer states Cheated Husband.

Anyway as angry as i am i didnt go rushing off to her work to make a scene becuase i wanted to play it smart. The last thing i need is a bunch of witnesses claiming i threatened her and therefore giving her a get out of jail free card by filing an AVO order.

Thanks for your support

Yes, it was SO good that you checked yourself and made rational choices. I think you will handle this just fine.
I like how you changed the transfer at the bank, btw.