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Sexless Marriage

Our relationship started out with love at first sight, for me anyway. We got together rather slowly though. We flirted in a college class, dated a couple times over a period of about 2 months. By the second date we were pretty hot for each other, and by the third date, true date, we had hot sex. This continued for about a month, then I was begging. We had discussions about it, a few fusses about it, but nothing changed. I should have known then and we should have parted ways-- easy, nobody hurt. I am however, the eternal optimist. I kept believing that every time we had sex, oh, now it's ok, things are ok now. Of course, no they never were. At that time and for years there was emotional closeness and occasionally great, hot sex. There was, what I call, get it over with sex a little more occasionally. I was just so in love and she was/is so beautiful. Well, we got married, problem still the same, but, you know how we think. It'll be better after we're married. YEA! right! It stayed about the same. Now, once in a while, about once a month, we had pretty hot sex and about once a week we had get it over with sex. Now for a 20 year old you know that's, well, awful. I would fuss about once a month, get the similarity here, once a month I'd get mad about the lack of passion and it would get passionate. This went on about 20 years. I got pretty fed up with it several times. We separated 3 times. Now this is funny, all of them lasted exactly 8 months before I'd just miss her so bad I'd say let's get back together, and we would. I must be stupid, I've always admitted that. Pretty smart at what I do for a living, well, down right stupid at ....whatever this is....lovelife? We would get wild with sex, hot with sex, do different things occasionally, but let me suggest, (oh, anything different was absolutely always my idea) let me suggest doing that idea again, her answer...we just did that...even if it was 6 months ago. Let's go back to (close by big city) and got out and get sexy...answer....we just did, we'll do it again sometime. You know the answer to that...no we didn't. Well, the yes answers to my ideas gradually got fewer and farther between. Until I realized a few months ago I am too imbarassed to suggest anything and of course nothing besides a get it over with session or two has happened in probably 4 or 5 years now and those have gotten down to about one every 3 to 4 weeks. Just because I resent coming on to her at all. The nonsexual intimacy is gone completely now. Resentment and anger has eaten it away. Now, well now it's just down to depression, anger, resentment, I'm not even good at what I do for a living anymore. Believe it or not, I envy the guys who bury themselves in their jobs over a marriage like this. I don't even feel like having an affair. I've even been suicidal occasionally. Don't worry, I would never, I don't want any warnings from yall about that!! I know some answers will come back....get out of that marriage. I can't....money, she has never worked outside my office, so you know what my lawyer says....get ready, she'll take EVERYTHING you own and will ever make.
I'm sorry for all this, I just needed to vent. No one to talk to and all that.
Anyway, for you young people, if you can't get along over things when you're dating, for God's sake don't stay together!!!!
gdoc1222 gdoc1222 51-55, M 5 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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I appreciate all of your responses. My state is Georgia. My lawyer said that in my case...My wife has worked occasionally in my office, w/o salary. She had a Dental Hygienist license but lost it several years ago...and since she has shown no work history in 20 years that she is considered a domestic spouse and would be intitled to support plus half or more of estate, what little there is. I am not too greedy about money to leave, I promise, it is just that since a huge loss a couple years ago, I don't make enough to support 2 households, I can barely pay the bills now. I have failed to ask him however, if the court would make her move to a lesser standard, (less of a house)

There is money,,,and then there is your life. If money IS your life then you are indeed, screwed...regardless of your marital status...but if you are looking to be HAPPY? That is a different question....

I echo the sentiment of some others here re: the divorce laws. Keep current on them and ask a few different lawyers if some more modern laws are being proposed on the horizon. In my state there are some new modern laws that are supposed to kick in in a few months, and that will make it much more favorable to me as a husband. My wife has skills, certifications and degrees, she just chooses not to use them to the best of her ability and works very part time. It's been a financial point of contention for years. She gives 90% of her priority to the kids, about 10% priority to making some spending cash by working part time, and zero priority to our intimate / sex life. In our nearly 20-year marriage, she has only initiated sex once. I feel like I have to beg all of the time. But I digress... When the new laws kick in, she'll be more accountable to trying to generate her own income if we ever did get divorced. She'll be accountable to the skills, certifications, and degrees she has to make some money, which would reduce the alimony / child support I'd have to pay. Can't wait for these new "modern" laws... they are way overdue. I am unfortunate to know a guy who committed suicide over all of the stress from his divorce and knowing he was getting financially screwed over with the old antiquated system at a time his income was sliding down. It's not worth it folks. Don't ever start thinking that way folks. Times are changing. There is hope. Even if you get a divorce, keep current with your state's laws. It may be possible to even have an old divorce decree re-evaluated under new state laws in light of your ex-spouse's true earnings capacity.

TL2

You either live in some weird jurisdiction,
or
Your lawyer is a ******* incompetent,
or
You haven't seen a lawyer at all.

Tread your own path,

-----"so you know what my lawyer says....get ready, she'll take EVERYTHING you own and will ever make."

No, doesn't work like that. The majority of states are "equitable distribution" states with the marital assets divided up in some equitable fashion. No one walks away with "everything".
So the best way to get past the " some answers will come back....get out of that marriage. I can't....money" is to get the facts straight.

However, staying for fear of finances is not uncommon - catastropic thinking with respect to divorce and convincing yourself that you would be destroyed is one way to handle the problem and remain in place.