More On Sexless Marriage

I thought I would post a little more about my story. Now make sure yall know that I have done all the romantic things women say they want. Flowers on lots of non-occasions...LOTS of times, just on my way home from office, LOTS of times. Telling her , everyday, that I loved her, she's the most beautiful girl in the world all the way to the point that one day she said, "I wish you wouldn't say that so much" I was devastated. I assure you, she didn't hear either one for a long time. She didn't even seem to notice. I open and close doors for her. Hold her chair. I come home in a loving, good mood. Now I'm sure I've had a few days, but most every day. I hug and kiss, she doesn't even seem to like this anymore. We went to a counselor for a while, she quit. I remember saying to him that I didn't understand why even when we would go out on an effort to have a romantic date, we NEVER had good sex, maybe occasional give it up sex, but never anything that she seemed to enjoy. Just get it over with. Her answer for this was, well why do we have to do anything just because we went out. Remember when I say never, I mean it, never. He questioned this, after finding out that it was her attitude not to, I don't know....Give in? Then he said, well isn't that what going out is sort of for when you're married, to get intimate....She sort of gave up that excuse, but it never got better. It just seems like...She will never do anything that is expected of her. He called her "A brick wall" when I asked him one time when we were alone without my wife, and said she'll never change. Something he said he had said about maybe four or five of his patients before.

I'm just stupid. Don't copy my mistakes, get out of a marriage that you know won't get better. By the way, when I ask her if we can talk about it, I get ignored, or a shoulder shrug.
gdoc1222 gdoc1222
51-55, M
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

"He called her "A brick wall" when I asked him one time when we were alone without my wife, and said she'll never change."

This is where therapy gets you...nowhere. Women don't have to change...they either get their way or leave... with your money. If a man tries to get out of marriage they know won't get better, they have pay the rest of their they stay and just keep on getting disappointed. A married man has no other option.

Are you disappointed in yourself enough to start reviewing your life and examining potential choices to enhance it ? (there is no 'correct' answer to this, you either are or you aren't)

If you are, then this group could be very helpful in advancing that.
If you aren't then this group is useless to you.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar, You are right. I am as disappointed with myself and my choices as anyone could be. I also know I am advising others to do what I never had the self control to do. I'm just venting my disappointment in myself for a life of unhappiness.

One of the wise things Baz says is that "a solution is fine until it no longer works - then you need to find another solution". I think YOU need to find another solution. You are clinging to whatever "reasons" you told yourself justified NOT leaving your marriage. Time now to have a clear hard look at those "reasons".

What is it about those "reasons" that trumps you having a happier life? If it is personal possessions - consider this. These things can largely be replaced - or you can live without them.

If it is money, you can probably live with less money than you have. It is hard to "give up" money, but IMO harder still to live a financially comfortable life that is MISERABLE.

You may have other more pressing reasons for not leaving, but you do need to clearly and carefully think about these. Are they still valid? Do they really count for as much as you previously believed?

You probably have another thirty to forty years on this earth. Do you want to spend them as you are doing now??

Essentially then - "anyone out there in a marriage like mine oughta get out"

Then there is you, IN SUCH A MARRIAGE, giving yourself a pass on doing what you exhort others to do.

Most people in dysfunctional marriages do NOT leave. You haven't, lots of people in similar situations as you haven't.

And, they all have their reasons for NOT doing what looks to be such an obvious choice - when viewed from an outside perspective.

In this, and your other, story, your reticence (on the surface anyway) appears to be money. You choose to value money over potential happiness. That's a reasonable enough choice, and is entirely yours to make.

Other persons in similar circumstances may choose to stay too, for their own particular reasons, and their choice to do so is as valid as yours.

Tread your own path.